The real 1st sentence???

Question

The first time I saw him, my breath stopped in my throat, and whooshed out of me while I stood there, gazing at his beautiful form.

Answer 1

awesome 1st sentence... really good but as a sugguestion.. only a sugguestion i think you can elaborate on him form.. like 'gazing at his delicate silhouette' or something... but it's really good.. keep up the good work!

Answer 2

Sorry if this is a bit harsh, but I'm a critic and I want to help.

"The first time" is poor wording - you can use "initial" for the same thing and it sounds more elegant. "I saw him" is also vague. Use a different, more descriptive verb instead of "saw." "Stopped" can be better; describe how it stopped, for how long, what it felt like, etc. "Whooshed" is a pretty infantile word to be honest. Try "escaped" instead; however, if your breath has "stopped in [your] throat," then it wouldn't "whoosh" out of you. It could leave after a moment, but you need to clarify that because breath cannot stop and leave at the same time. The comma after "him" and "throat" are unnecessary. I think the syntax is intelligent, just choose more descriptive words.

Answer 3

Man, this sounds like my wife busted me for something. Is this a horror story?. Also sounds like a new mom describing her newborn.

Anytime a woman said anything close to that to me, she puked right after the breath went out of her.

I have that effect on women.

Answer 4

It is great. BUT you must continue by describing him. Where you are and then start the story...
The reader MUST know what the characters look like (especially the main) and obviously, where the stroy is located.
Your a good writer. Simple. Easy. And to the point.

Answer 5

Stop staring at me and remember to breathe.