Divorce or no divorce???help?

Question

My husband and myself have been together for almost 10 years and things have been up and down..stressful at times.His family doesnt like me much, so they dont come or call or visit our little girl. And when they did visit they told her mean things about me! That broke her little heart.(by the way shes 5) He never really sticks up for us like he sticks up for them when we argue. He calls me names and my daughter sometimes like brats,bitches,stupid,dumb. I get so mad and we start to argue, he has a bad temper and I tend to always be the one to make things better. He is not putting much of an effort. Also he says he will change and has for the past 2 months but little by little I see him creeping his old habits back into the relationship like the name calling and not spending enough time with us. That was one of our conditions we would try to work on that. I cannot make it by myself he makes 3 times more than I do, my daughter is already having a hard time at school, I am scared to move?

Answer 1

Well, dear, since you seem to have a good line of communication with him, try to incorporate identifying the behavior when it happens.

So, he gets mad and calls you a name. You say, "Name calling." and he agrees to stop.

As far as helping him to learn a different behavior, invite a couple with appropriate behaviors over for dinner one night, or go to the movies, double-date. Let your man see first hand what appropriate behavior is.

Start asking him every day if there is anything you can do for him. Just indicate that he will be part of your thought process at some point in your day. Do what he requests.

This is a great pre-emptive move, too. What can he yell about if you've already asked if there was anything you could do for him?

Try to keep him in some kind of constant exposure to appropriate behaviors. Maybe you could choose a specific couple you'd like as model.

Rent comedies for when he's home. Pop popcorn, have a good laugh. Raise seratonin and endorphin levels.

Serve balanced, nutritious meals. Incorporate a good multi-vitamin into your diets. Cut out simple carbohydrates and sugar as much as is reasonable from your diet.

Research depression online. See if there is anything you can incorporate into his/your diet that naturally combats depression.

When he brings up a negative, excuse yourself. "Oh, there's a load in the dryer, excuse me..." or " Oh, I left my mail in the car..." or " Gotta pee..." but physically remove yourself.

If he insists on conversation regarding a negative, agree with him: "You know, my love, you are right. Oh, Suzie is calling me, excuse me." Just let the man be right. About whatever comes out of his mouth.

Do not engage in verbal sparring with him. Come on here and vent, but in his presence, hold your tongue.

Teach him positives. Say, "Your sister's baby took his first steps today." "Mary colored you a picture today." "I repotted that overgrown plant and now we have two." Only positives you speak.

He has to learn/unlearn behavior. He will try and he will slide. As long as he tries again.

Remind him when you need to that the little girl loves him and looks up to him.

Hang in there, hon, it seems like he does want to try. Agree on a strategy with him and keep with it.

God bless you and yours, dear....

Answer 2

You ask a question @ the end that is actually a statement. You r scared and so you should be. But do not let the fear of single parent hood keep you in a situation that is depleting what self esteem you may have left. You all have been together for a while so I am thinking that you pretty much can separate yourself from him emotionally even when you find yourself having to play the wife role. Utilize this time to get stronger and to plan your leave. Search varous websites geared toward assisting one in preparation for divorce. Start saving, tell a trusted friend and make sure it is not an inlaw or one of HIS buddies. I left my first verbally abusive husband & because of that fear (2 kids under 10 @ the time).....Scariest !@)&*#(* yet one of the best things I ever did for me and my kids. You cannot change another person. No matter how long you stay.

Answer 3

You should move away and go on social services if you can. If you have family member or friend to stay with, go there until you can get on your feet. It sounds like it's time for a divorce. It is NEVER acceptable to call a 5 year old stupid, dumb, ***** and he shouldn't be calling you names either.

He'll have to pay you alimony and child support so you'll have some help. Your daughter may be doing poorly in school becuase of her home environment. Your'e both much better off without someone like him in your life. If his family is so important to him, they can deal with him.

Leave him for your daughter's sake at least.

Answer 4

I agree with the first poster. Get clear about the situation in the area of finances and until you do say nothing until then

I am curious though have you guys gone to counseling? Communication issues are usually symptoms of a larger challenge that may have nothing to with you. There is a progress to relationship breakdowns.

There is the criticism part - that feels like a global rejection of your being and ideas and then there is the final phase which is contempt. That is the name calling aspect you are dealing with now. That issue is not yours - it is his.

Let me ask your this,what is it costing you to live that way - day in and day. Is it costing you your peace, your daughters stability? What will be the impacts of that beautiful one?

Separation is what I would suggest until he could get a handle on his anger.

If you would like to IM me please feel free.

Tina
dramafreeme.com

Answer 5

Scared to move? Scared to move on without your husband? You should be more scared staying with the verbally and emotionally abusive man. If he refuses to seek therapy to control his behavior...then divorce him. Do you really want your daughter to be brought up in an environment where her father has zero respect for her and her mother? You are damaging her by staying with this man. So big deal he makes 3 times the money you do....Isn't your life and your daughter's life more important then how much money your husband makes?

Answer 6

well if this man is giving you a hard time leave him he probably doesn't deserve you.you can do better than this jerk.he's no good like any other man.i know that there's womens shelters.they take you to this home(you can stay with your kid too)and they take care of you and give you this special cell phone so if he ever finds you they can come and help.i think its the best for you and your little girl.if she's not doing well in school please move don't let your daughter have to live with all of that trouble she'll always have bad childhood memories of everything so do it now that she's still young. it may not feel right but it's the best u can do for her.

godbless

it may sound bad because im a teen but i think it'll help.
take care

Answer 7

Couples often go into relationships with different agendae, and they never come to terms with the differences.

Nobody ever sits down before marriage with a paper explaining what they're agreeing to, expecting to recieve, expecting to give.

Do it, and if it doesn't work, figure out what's next and do it.

Read a few books about boundary issues and ownership [relationship] issues. Maybe also about dependency relationships.

Answer 8

me an my husband want a divorce. we have one son, but we have agreed to everything with our son an property. We both want to do the online divorce so we can save a lil money, does anyone have any suggestions on a good site to go through? I dont want any advice on marriage or goin to court i just need a good site to do it! ...... Marriage counselling adelaide

Answer 9

Hi Glossy,

It sounds like you have communicated with him, pointed out his immature and abusive behavior, and he is unwilling to change - for you OR for your daughter.

Regardless of your income, divorce is a realistic option you should consider.

Seek the advice of an attorney, who can also point out what you can count on in the way of child support. Follow the attorney's advice, when it comes to documenting the behaviors and filing paperwork and moving forward.

I also lived with a controlling individual who disregarded the needs of our young child and behaved horribly in front of him. Divorce placed a clean distance between us, gave my son and I a fresh start. I struggled financially, but have never been healthier in my life.

Children are resilient. You will see improvement in your daughter's attitude, when she is spared having to watch her parents argue.

good luck ~

Answer 10

How is you self esteem? Now imagine that happening to your little girl's self esteem as its developing. How is she ever going to understand that she deserves to be respected by a man if her own father never respects her, ie. calling her dumb, stupid, a ***** etc.isn't what I call respect...she'll think every man in her life is allowed to call her names, keep her down and never support her as a person. Is that what you want for her? If you don't think that you can make it on your own and couldn't make a healthier choice in a partner then stay with your husband, cause the grass isn't always greener. But if you stay, please be sure to give her any extras that you can to keep her self esteem healthfully growing.