We were married for 4 years, and there was always verbal or physical abuse. He says hes changed and wants us to get back together. I am still scared and dont know what to do. I dont want our kids learning that its ok to do that. Since we are appart I am trying to improve my life by going to school to get my degree. What do i do? Do i give him another chance, do i continue to work towards my degree? Am i making the right choice to leave him and not go back? Im so lost and dont know what to do.
2007-08-21 06:19:30 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
First let me tell you that no abuse of any kind is right nor acceptable. There's many forms of abuse, you might even be guilty one or more....did you ever called him a name, like stupid or something to that effect? How many times have you put him down? Are you really able to cast the first stone? Were you totally perfect with him? Have you ever did anything that you wished you hadn't? You did it not realize what you were doing until someone told you or you got in some type of trouble, and then you made a decision not to do it again. This happens all the time, we all are guilty of it.....even you and your husband.
You said you "were married", what does this mean? Have you already given up on him without knowing for sure if he has or hasn't changed? I did not see the word "love", does this mean that you do not love him? Are you like alot of people today, they get married knowing that if they wake up in the morning and don't want to be with their spouse anymore, they just get a divorce. No big deal anymore.
Have you had problems with him coming around and harassing you since you left him. Has he threatened you by telling you he'll kill you or make you regret it if you don"t come back. Or has he asked you to forgive him. Sometimes we really don"t know what we have until we lose it. Maybe, just maybe he didn't know what he really had until you left him. You walking out of his life could have woke him up, and made him realize what he was doing, and maybe he really is sorry.
I would hate to think that you married your husband and had three children and didn't love him. If you do love him, then why don't you try to believe the best in him, remember you did marry him-surely you had good reasons in doing so!
People do change, if they realize what they have done, and know they done wrong. Haven't you in times past?
You can have a wonderful marriage, go to school and have happy children, it is possible.
Let me add one piece of advice-stop listening to everyone else-even parents. By the way you did not state if you got your own place or moved back home with your parents, so I'm assuming you moved back in with your parents. Most likely they never liked your husband anyway so they are telling you not to have anything more to do with him. How is their marriage or are they married still?
You have to make this decision yourself. Let me know what you decide, and if you need someone to talk to, you are welcomed to e-mail at any time.
2007-08-24 21:14:35 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
If i were you i wouldnt go back. I have a friend that has been married for 4 years and has 1 child together and she has 2 from previous. The 2 girls are teens and the one they have together is a baby. She always says shes leaving, and when she does he begs her back and the same thing happens everytime. They get along for a couple days and everything breaks loose. If I were you, i would continue on with your education and get your own life going. There are plently of other guys out there that are not going to abuse you. No matter if its verbal or physical. Its not good for the kids to be around. You can do it! Keep strong!
2007-08-21 13:28:32 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Youb can only answer this question for yourself. Several on here suggested dating. That is an excellent idea but keep in mind that daters are always on their best behaviors. Batterers programs do work sometimes (recidivism rate is very high - higher than an addict) so be wary of that. Your best judgment is your own two eyes and ears. If you do not like what you see or hear, run fast.
A good book to read on this subject matter is Why Does He Do That? by Lundy bancroft. This book saved my life when I thought I was crazy. I highly recommend this book to any woman going through abuse.
Good luck and I hoep whatever happens in our life you make the best decision for you and your children. Keep up with your school no matter what. This will make you feel good and if he does not change, you will be that much closer to independence.
2007-08-22 18:21:54 · answer #3 · answered by Jennifer 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
DO NOT let him move back in. If he's serious about your marriage, then you both need marriage counseling and he needs anger management. The abuser gets relief from abusing you, which is why he is so sorry and loving afterwards--you have provided comfort for him. He swears he'll never do it again, but the pressure builds up and he can't help himself. It takes a lot of work to break the cycle.
You are on the right track for you and your kids, don't let him talk you into anything. Good luck.
2007-08-21 13:32:55 · answer #4 · answered by Countess 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Not going back to him you are making a choice that is great for you and your kids. Make your life for you finish your degree and if he has really changed he would have enough patience to wait on you he would. I don't believe him though because they always say that they have changed when they don't. he just wants you back to ill treat you again.
It seems that life is good for you now don't go back to him for you and your kids you deserve better. You are better than that, when you get your degree no one can take it away from you. They can take anything else but your education, do this degree to make a better life for you and your kids.
Good Luck
2007-08-21 13:35:47 · answer #5 · answered by *Pretty In Pink* 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Do not go back to this man. It is very difficult for a person to change that dramatically. He is entitled to visitation with his children, but I would make sure that he is supervised at every visit, at least for a while to make sure he doesn't show violence towards the children, but as far as you're concerned, continue doing what you're doing. Whatever he says or promises, it doesn't make up for what he did to you in the first place. Now that you are away from him, you should have an easier time standing up to him...do it, you will not be doing yourself any favors by going back to him.
2007-08-21 13:30:34 · answer #6 · answered by maishabrend1977 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Leave him! People don't really change. My x wife has been in therapy for almost fifty years. She has not changed one degree.
Just imagine that you move back in and in a few years he starts abusing your children physically? Abusers abuse because of how they feel inside. They have a bad day or get into anxious times, then it is you who must suffer. Lose him!
But YOU have a chance to go back to square one and heal, and grow, and hopefully fall in love again.
2007-08-21 14:27:53 · answer #7 · answered by fOrTyLeGz 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Zebra's can not change their stripes. You have gone through hell to get this far. If you go back, you will have to travel the same road all over again. You can always go back. For now, you will need to keep contact because of the kids. Just watch. See what happens. If he has really changed you will see signs like no more drinking. Kindness to the kids......
I would not subject my children to that environment too much risk for bad results.
2007-08-21 13:27:35 · answer #8 · answered by Willie J 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You split for a good reason once. Don't make the same mistake again. Even if he has changed and is completely unabusive, would you want him with the memories from before? Put the kids first and you will make the right choice. Be a good role model and you will all win. Good luck.
2007-08-21 13:27:25 · answer #9 · answered by Wendy B 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Is he in counseling? Did he go to domestic violence classes?
If not, then don't believe he has changed, that isn't something that he can turn on and off like a light switch without help from a professional.
You can give him another chance, sure - but you don't let him move back in and you tell him the conditions - which include DV classes and counseling - but I wouldn't hold my breath that he will stop.
2007-08-21 13:29:45 · answer #10 · answered by allrightythen 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋