Once again here lies the eerie mist
A well of recollection
To look inside I was afraid
But now the key is turned and I am not forsaken
Words lie hidden in the eerie mist
Spontaneity has its own cure
Has its own way to filter through the darkness
And bring light to a brand new day
Me and you were lovers
In another time and place
How I felt your fingers and
Felt your warm embrace
For , for long have I wondered
Amongst the eerie mist
I lost you now I weep
Years wash against my door
For I am a lonely traveler
Looking to tell me tale
Listen to me sweetness
This time I can not fail
She told me in a whisper
She sang it on the wind
One day love will find you
One day you will be king
And now I wait and wonder for I can see your door
The road was long and tiresome
The road we all adore
When death came she came lightly
She passed me in my dreams
Now the mist has passed and the world is much the same
Love is now fluent and speaks a weathered tongue
Love flows through to everyone
Time stands still and the river flows
Enter through this door my friend
And you will surely know,
The mysteries bred of darkness pain and sorrow
When the hills they trembled
When your mind assembled
Lost count of those wicked lies
That poured through a funnel
I shut my eyes and you were lost
Down the sleepy tunnel
The mine is deep , the river flows
Yes deep she goes
Past the highest mountain
And passed the dark eerie mist
. Dec. 2005
2007-08-21 01:44:35 · 8 answers · asked by likeminded 3 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
Overall I think its very good. Lots of great combinations of words, such as "mind assembled" and "sleepy tunnel" and "years wash against my door". You need to stay focused on these types of images and get rid of some of the more cliche imagery (although there isn't much of it). Clean up the wordiness and overall I think its REALLY good!! Tons of GREAT images. Its an honor to have you on my contact list :)
2007-08-21 02:12:11 · answer #1 · answered by Linz ♥ VT 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I like your poem. You do show potential. I love the way you wrap a single thought from one line to the next. For example:
"How I felt your fingers and
Felt your warm embrace"
That's one of my favorite devices, I learned from Elizabeth Barrett Browning's sonets. If you keep developing this, it can become very sophisticated, and powerful.
But the date stamp on that was December 2005. Keep writing!
2007-08-22 09:42:27 · answer #2 · answered by livemoreamply 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
this is a lovely use of the English language. I found myself lost in the flow of your words when I say lost I mean in a positive way. I am honored to have you as a contact and look fore-ward to more of your musing. you have a way of linking each passage that is so comfortable and enjoyable. I can't wait to read more
2007-08-21 20:00:57 · answer #3 · answered by heads 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think eerie was a little over used but overall this poem isn't bad but it could be bit more better with a re-write.
2007-08-21 13:52:10 · answer #4 · answered by Anthony M 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
should really call it 'The eerie mist', these three words repeat many times in your poem. Or if you don't, give it a title, it's pretty good, reminds me of my lil sister's poems. Anyway, it has been interesting for me to read it. Tx
2007-08-21 08:54:48 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
Never start a sentence with "Me". It's "You and I were lovers...." and it needs some punctuation. Have an English Lit teacher help you.
2007-08-21 09:09:56 · answer #6 · answered by red 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Its great! Good Job. When it's good it CAN be a touch longer, you almost want it to!
2007-08-21 08:52:07 · answer #7 · answered by Lilly 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
you should get a job writting for hallmark cards! or maybe even start your own card writting buisness.
2007-08-21 08:58:32 · answer #8 · answered by hippy 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋