Would it be fair to expect a future wife to take my surname?

Question

I know this is a provocative question, and it isn't going to happen any time soon, but I have a very strong feeling that if I get married in the future, I will expect my wife to change her surname to mine at marriage. I probably shouldn't be worried about this since it's hypothetical but when I tell people this often they are horrified and it makes me wonder whether it might end up being a sore point with a future partner.

I very strongly feel that the tradition where a woman takes her husband's name is a beautiful tradition and I would feel really uncomfortable if I was married to someone who kept her birth name. I'm not really old-fashioned but just don't see why it is a patriarchal practice: after all, ususally a woman's maiden name is her father's. It makes it easier for potential children and it also sends a clear signal to the world that you are married. Do you think it would be reasonable to expect that someone I married would take my name?

Answer 1

It's totally reasonable, especially if the couple is planning on having children. Then it is only good to have ONE family surname. It's just crazy otherwise for kids - I know, I'm a teacher, and some kids are just nuts about their last names, sometimes they have the name of one parent only, or a long hyphenated thing, and sometimes the surname of neither parent - it can be just crazy, and is just not fair to the kids.
A woman taking the man's surname is NOT her giving up her identity, or that she's not a feminist, or means she belongs to her husband in a negative context. It's simply a union - the beginning of a new family.
Way more women than ever are taking their husband's surname, simply for lots of the aforementioned reasons. And I like the new trend of them keeping their maiden name for a middle name. I didn't do that, but if I want to use my maiden name, I put it in parentheses - Lydia (Smith) Jones.
And, by the way, whilst I was in the process of deciding - my husband to be DID offer to take my maiden name as his own surname, just so we had the one family name.

Answer 2

It's fair to expect it but unfair to demand it.

If taking your surname is extremely important, make sure you discuss it before you marry her and that you reach an agreement.

If you're only concerned abou the last name of future children-they can always have your last name even if she doesn't choose to use your surname.

Also, there are men who take the wife's surname if there is no one in her family to carry on the family surname and this is very important to the wife.

On many other cases, there are women who do not assume the husband's surname while socially being referred with the husband's surname.

From your inquiry, you demonstrate this is very important to you and you feel very strongly about it. Be sure to make your point to your future wife, otherwise it may cause problems in the future. If you are considering her as your future wife, then you have already dated enough to realize "this is THE-ONE" for you. So, why waste such a good opportunity with your lady even if it's something you feel strongly about.

In a relationship, married or not, there will always be differences of opinion. Diversity is what makes the world go round and an interesting place to live. My suggestion: Try to reach a compromise similar to the ones that I have mentioned above. It seems this is a meaningful relationship enough for you to compromise, no?

Best wishes.

Answer 3

Actually it's a patriarchal tradition but there's also a matriarchal tradition where the name of the wife is added to the husband's and is the LAST name. Hispanic culture does this to this day.

It's up to the BOTH of you how you feel about name changing. To me, I grew up with my last name and have answered to this name ALL my life. To change it would be weird. I would try to hyphenate it when I could if it didn't sound too uncomfortable.

Why if someone kept the last name they had all their life would be uncomfortable to you tells me you are uncomfortable not being the head of household. You are a traditionalist, and that's great, but marrying someone means you love them for them and want to only be with them and see a future with them only, and not over something silly like a last name. I'd be more concerned about religious views or views on monogamy than a last name situation. If something that petty would put you over the edge then I'd hate to see when the really big things come down.

Marriage is a hard work and it's working at it EVERY day, EVERY month EVERY year, and not just a one day pledge in front of everyone or a judge.

Good luck on your marriage views.

Answer 4

I think its reasonable for you to expect it. I know personally that I felt very strongly about taking my husband's name and all my friends that have been married with in the past 5 yrs have also taken their husbands name as well. I love the tradition as well and I think it is a beautiful way to join your lives together and it was wonderful when the preacher announced us as one at the end of the ceremony. I guess you'll just have to wait and see what your future wife wants to do, but chances are she'll take your name and if not then if you love her and she loves you and you want to spend your lives together then it wont matter.

Answer 5

It's patriachal even if she has her fathers name. It's been going on for quite some time. What happens is that once she marries you, traditionally she is no longer part of her father's family, but part of your father's family. In a matriachal society, men become part of their wives families. By not taking a man's name, women are attempting to change the traditional system of names. Some couples even come up with their own new last name.

Now, that really doesn't matter, but what does matter is what you are both comfortable with. I'm still debating whether or not I want to take my fiances name. We're not having children, so there are no problems there. If having the same last name means so much to you, would you take her name?

Would you leave a woman you were going to marry simply because she wouldn't take your name?? That does seem very extreme. Is it unreasonable to expect that someone you marry takes your name? No, not really because I think most women are okay with it, but if you happen to meet someone who is perfect in every other way, but doesn't want to take your name, you're just going to have to get over it.

Answer 6

It seems to me that if you find someone to marry, you will share many of the same views. I doubt it will be a problem. Stop worrying about something you may never have a problem with. It would better for you to turn your attention to enjoying and living in today. Besides, how will you find her when you are worrying about some hypothetical woman, when the real one may be passing right in front of you very nose at the very moment you are obsessing about a marriage that will never happen because you missed her as she went by????

Blessed Be

Answer 7

If you expect your future wife to take your name then date someone who's down with that. More and more modern women either hyphenate their name or maintain their own name. But there are plenty of women who change.

Its really not that big of a deal either way. In some of the most traditional cultures, like African cultures the wife doesn't take her husband's name at all. If you want your future wife to take your name, you know what to do. Address it before you walk down the aisle.

Answer 8

No it is not unreasonable. Plus u are putting the cart before the horse. Remember these people that u are talking to are probably not married and they sure aren't in love with u.The woman who falls in love with u will most likely be proud to take your name. Women fall in love with more then just guys looks. Your strong traditional veiws are very refreshing and more normal then u think.Good luck in your future mate.

Answer 9

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Answer 10

No, I do not think it is fair to expect your future wife to take your surname. You must look at it from the woman's point of view.

We have had the same name since we were little girls, it is part of our identity. So to expect someone to all of a sudden change it seems rather unfair.

Think about this: how would you feel if things were switched around, and someone expected YOU to give up part of your identity simply because you married her?

It takes time and a lot of paperwork to change your name on everything from your social security card, credit cards, insurance card, etc. Would YOU want to go through all this?

If she wants to change it, more power to her. But I would strongly advise against pushing the issue, you don't want to miss out on an amazing woman just because she wants to keep her identity.