SAVE ME
Broken on the inside
Lost within my mind
Searching for a reason
While my heart is left behind
No actual words are spoken
as I call for help
I'm deaf to all who try
"Save me!" calls from closed lips
And no one can here my cry
When I'm laughing amongst my friends
I've never felt so alone
Yet my mind becomes crowded
and obstructed
When I'm on my own
Floating through existance
Childrens laughter echoes through my ears
I hear their piercing screams of pain
As they live out their sleeping fears
"Save me!" pleads from my resting tongue
Still no distinct answer to my cry
I just lie here
Detached and unaware
Not even wondering why..
Let me know what you think, I wrote it when I was 15 and I'm not sure if I like it, I rarely like my own poems.
I'd love to know what others think and maybe have some helpful suggestions..
Thanks!
2007-08-20 23:25:08 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
Its very good.Make sure you keep it.My daughter is in her 20s now and still writes poetry and has kept all her ones from way back then.keep writing it doesnt matter what your friends think its what you enjoy that matters.Are you going to be a writer?
2007-08-20 23:37:19 · answer #1 · answered by groovygran 1 · 0⤊ 2⤋
My first thought after reading this two times is - why do you choose to be so miserable? Clearly it is a choice you have made, since there is nothing, repeat nothing, in your work to show us what happened.
This takes me to my second point - you spend no time at all telling us what happened to you (if anything). Rather, you assume we will 'understand' your 'pain'. No, we don't. Especially if you cannot be bothered to tell us why. That's like me writing to this website and saying, 'I hate X'. Wouldn't you want to know why? Especially if I posted that on a website asking specifically for feedback on that idea. So, your point is lost here.
Then, you confuse yourself very often here:
as I call for help
I'm deaf to all who try
What? To all who try what? Don't you mean THEY are deaf to your silent cries? Well, they would be if they are silent.
"Save me!" pleads from my resting tongue
No...that does not work. A resting tongue says nothing. Not even in a poem.
Children's laughter...I hear their piercing screams of pain
What? Laughter associated with pain. No sense to that. I think you are just playing with words without considering what they will mean to the reader.
It's good that you are trying to write something. Keep it up. But, be sure you read the great poets too before you write something new, so that you can see how it is really done. You need all the help you can get.
2007-08-21 07:06:16 · answer #2 · answered by Superdog 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The structure is a bit all over the place. Like some verses are longer than others, some rhyme and others don't ect. But other than that it is good for a 15 year old. Very dark, but well voiced.
Do you still write poetry? Keep it up :-)
2007-08-21 06:39:01 · answer #3 · answered by 84raven 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
It's allright the flow gets a little messed up between the third and forth stanza. For me it doesn't really seem to move that much right there. It's o.k. though overall.
2007-08-21 13:16:16 · answer #4 · answered by Anthony M 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It would probably make a good song, but it's not a real poem, despite the rhyme and the stanzas. Poetry is more than a complaint; it contains imagery, metaphor, simile and most importantly, universal meaning. Of course, loneliness is a universal theme, but it doesn't work in this "poem." Popular music requires much less than poetry. Perhaps you should submit it to a group and see if they will buy it.
2007-08-21 06:37:06 · answer #5 · answered by Elaine P...is for Poetry 7 · 0⤊ 3⤋