I want your honest opinion on this poem?

Question

All Alone

I want to taste vengence
I'm tired of our romance
All you do is lie to me
I don't get how we can be
Together anymore
So I walked out that door
I left you all alone
And your pain shone
I knew about you and her
But I wanted to be sure
That I waited to hurt you
I don't care about being "true"
I am so over you
Now I don't care what you do
I'm finally free
To be the real me
You didn't come after me
You let me be
I left you all alone
I left you on your own
I'm not sorry
You told your story
And now I'm telling it
Because my fury is finally lit

Answer 1

short rhymed couplets...same comments as before on your other poem...uneven meter, forced rhymes, "he did me wrong" rant...uneven beats...I know there is more to you than these poems convey...you have fire in your belly, but all we see are sparks blowing in the wind...stop telling us...start showing us...we want to see it, we want to feel it...but you won't stop talking...start painting with your words...stop ranting. Poetry is NOT about sing-song rhyme...read more, alot more, and "listen" to how other do it well, and how others make mistakes so you'll recognize them when you make them too.

....keep writing...you "will" be better if you try.

Answer 2

So many answers, so many opinions. I guess I can add mine to the midst. Kevin made some good comments, also a couple I would not expect from an editor of poetry, but poetry is in the eye of the reader I suppose. Yes, it was choppy and disjointed, but the subject was there, and clear as crystal. The reader does not have to wonder what you meant. I really hate cryptic poetry that says a lot and seems to have no purpose other than to string words together for the sake of confounding the reader. My advice may never get you published in Kevin's press, but then again, I have read poetry for many years and never heard of that publication before joining yahoo answers. Maybe I have had my head in the sand all my life. Anyways, I digress, your piece was insightful, although not poetry. Poetry flows, it has cadence, and rhyme if you so desire it. People who tell you not to rhyme are giving you an opinion of their own, not the pverall poetry community. I have read more published work that rhymes than so called free verse that is reminiscent of the 60's and 50's beatnik and hiooie movements. If you like rhyming, then by all means, develope the skills to do it in an entertaining manner, and have fun with it. If not then learn to make the word flow smoothly, and the lines easy to read. And yes, read the masters, but don't try to copy their styles, learn from them and develope your own. Good luck.

Answer 3

Once again, Kevin S says all the right things. Yes, your work (Personally, I cannot call it a poem, as it reads more like a shopping list of forced emotions than anything possessing any deep feeling) lacks a lot of what we need to feel on your behalf. As Kevin S says, you need to start showing and stop telling. Or, put another way, you should tell us about the process and not assume the product is simply enough. If you read your work again, I think you will also see that what you demonstrate here is NOT enough to move the reader is any way.

Are you reading poetry as well as trying to write it? If not, then PLEASE do...go to the greats: Yeats, Shelley, e.e cummings, Plath, Frost...go...go today...and then you will see why they are great and why you have a great deal to learn from them.

Thanks for posting.

Answer 4

I think you've gotten some good advice here. Let me reemphasize something Kevin told you on showing rather than telling. You are going to hear that comment often if you continue writing, and I hope you do continue to write. Eventually someone will ask you to give your honest opinion on their writing, and you will take them aside and say, "You need to show me these things, rather than tell me about them." It will happen.

Poetry, and all good fiction even, needs to show rather than tell. The way you show is by using images. Here's a simple non-poetic example to consider:

Bob is angry (telling)

Bob punches a hole in the wall (showing)

Is there any doubt that Bob is angry in the second example--even though I didn't specifically write that he is angry. It's similar with poetry by communicating in images you allow your poem to be layered with meaning. It makes it much better. I get concerned about giving too much advice too soon. It's hard to take it all in. It's hard to make changes while you are still developing the tools to fix things. You need to start by seeing things differently and that takes time. This will be true as you grow in your writing; it will just be different things you are working on. So start with this one thing, go through your poem and ask yourself, "Am I saying Bob is angry, or am I showing him punching through walls?"

Best of luck to you. Take care and keep writing.

Answer 5

You sound fatigued and I felt bored.

You know I love you sweet thing, but you have written much better than this.

Answer 6

it's good but not THAT good. i'm sorry. you told me to be honest. but you know what, i can feel the emotion that you want to tell the reader. nice job. :) the words aren't really that strong. i suggest shortening and concentrating your poem. good luck! :)

Answer 7

Clearly heartfelt.

Answer 8

I thought I was reading an angry letter to a person. It was a poem anyway.

Answer 9

obviously it has an angry tone to it. as long as you think it is poetry, it is. i personally like it. if it were me writing it though, i would have been longer and more descriptive of certain tortures which one must be put through because of this circumstance.

Answer 10

you convey your feelings well but the poem itself seems choppy rather than flowing. it might help for you to concentrate less on rhyming, and more on similes and softer phrasing. please don't think your poem is bad..it's not...i just think you can make it even better.