Should I leave my wife?

Question

We've been married two years. My day always gets started off on a bad note because she is constantly running 15-20 minutes late for work and I have to fight w/ her every day to get her out the door. We are not in a financial position to have our income interrupted by even temporary unemployment.

Also, she has really let herself go physically. I understand Mother Nature takes away outer beauty over time, but it's really like she decided I was stuck with her and just stopped taking care of herself. When her face breaks out, she messes with it until she has a half-dozen scabs that make-up doesn't cover and I told her it's disgusting but she won't stop, even when I threatened to take her cosmetics out of our budget.

I told her six months ago that I was fed up and a month later I gave her an ultimatum. She didn't change so I told her I may be leaving. She begged me to stay and I did, then I warned her again last week and no change.

What should I do?

A lot of these answers are really sad. The men side with me for shallow reasons. Many of the women assume I'm to blame.

To answer a few questions:
1. We are in this financial situation because she got sick and even though I took on an extra job we still had to max out our credit cards to put food on the table.
2. The patience, support, and understanding came into play through the first 100 conversations we had about these issues. No change. Then I got a little more stern about things. Nothing. Then I raised my voice. Same result. Then I gave ultimatums. I got empty "I'll change" promises.
3. The face thing-- I have told her to go to the dermatologist and get it treated, but she won't. Even when we do have the money, she won't. She says she can't help it, to which I reply taking one's hand and digging nails into flesh in front of a mirror is a conscious decision.

I still love her, it's just that every day gets off to a bad start. I have responded with every angle from sympathetic spouse to counselor to getting upset. None of it initiates change. When I do have to raise my voice, I get bitter because I feel she has made me do it. I'm not the type who likes yelling, degrading, or verbally abusing, so when it escalates to that, I get mad at her for making me feel like I need to do it.

Answer 1

It is so easy to let yourself go after you get married because you no longer have competition. However, you wife has an obligation to remain what she was when she married you.

By letting herself go to pot and taking the easy way out she has violated that implied agreement. She broke the contract you and she made. Therefore, you have a right to divorce her and find someone better.

You gave another chance and she has not made any effort to live up to her side of the agreement so you should divorce her. Just move out and don't see her or talk to her. Let her talk to your attorney.

Answer 2

Do you love your wife? I think that would be the biggest question.

You don't sound like you respect her and you've said some really unkind things about her.... it's the middle of the night and you are asking random internet people if you should leave her... there are clearly some major problems.

As far as the letting herself go physically, are you in the same condition you were two years ago?
Have you ever had a problem with acne... I assure you, your wife doesn't pick at her face because its fun and she enjoys it... she's probably feeling absolutely awful about it, its probably uncomfortable, and you are telling her she's disgusting... Do you think this is helping the problem? Instead of threatening to take away her make up, how about treating her to a facial so that she can get some advice/tips on how to reduce / avoid these problems (a trip to the dermatologist might even be helpful)? Offer to take her out somewhere fancy... give her a reason to dress up--you'll enjoy it and it will give her a big self-esteem boost.

As for the running late thing, my partner is the same and it makes me insane. We spent a week keeping track of what was going on in the morning causing the delay and then made a plan to deal with it... make the schedule, agree to the schedule, and stick to the schedule... everything is set up the night before and every morning is the same...
we have separate alarms so that she can hit snooze 15 times before wake up time (i get up as soon as the alarm goes off and am ready to go... she needs to wake up slowly)
clothes, shoes, socks, accessories are picked out the night before and set aside
backpacks, briefcases, and lunches are made and packed the night before
showers/baths are done the night before, if we do have to shower in the am, then we agree who goes at when, for how long, at what time the night before
breakfast foods are quick easy foods that can be eaten in the car if time is short--eggs, bacon, pancakes are for weekends, hard boiled eggs, instant oatmeal, containers of yogurt, granola or breakfast bar, carnation instant breakfast, string cheese, bananas, etc.... coffee/tea is set up the night before and ready to be turned on
our morning is 100% planned, we do the same thing every day, we get up the same time every day
I used to worry about what time my partner got up, she'd hit snooze over and over and over again and I'd get more and more anxious... your wife is a grown up... tell her it is her responsibility to get herself up and out on time and then let her be

What should you do... well, you need to decide if you love your wife and if the relationship is worth saving. I'm sure that there are more issues than the two you've mentioned and those need to be dealt with... If it were me, I'd probably try and find a way to get some couples counseling or maybe try to find some classes on strengthening relationships and communication. You can usually get this type of info from your primary care doctor, a church, hospital, YMCA, or community college.

From what you've said, the relationship sounds kind of broken... if you are willing and think you can fix it, go for it. But if you can't respect each other and aren't willing to try, then it'd probably be healthier for you both to end things.

Answer 3

It sounds like to me you need some marriage counseling. Also I would suggest individual counseling for her. To me, I think she has some possible depression and self esteem problems. There are often centers that will give you free counseling and if that is not an option I would suggest finding a church, any denomination, that has a minister you both like. Often he or she will be able to offer you help and guidance. Marriage is full of ups and downs. Most importantly, don't tell her she is gross or that you will leave. That does not encourage her to change. Offer support, ask her if there is anything that you can do for her, get active together like take up golf or tennis or just pledge to walk around the block together after work. Offer to find a dermatologist for her skin problems. No one, especially women feel sexy or even good when there skin looks bad. Maybe if she saw a specialist she would learn how to take better care of you skin. You took a pledge to your wife and God to remain with this woman in good times and bad. Help her to change, to force her too.

Answer 4

Please don't be mad with me for saying this.

From the gist of your question, it is apparent you have lost the love you had for your wife. That is why you find her tardiness every morning and neglect of her appearance so irritable and unbearable to the extent you want out of the marriage.

This is not to say that men in general who still love their wives will ignore the bad habits and changes in their spouses' looks. While these men are super pissed off they are able to overlook the negative side of their wives and focus on the positive.

In your case, I reckon your wife already knows you no longer love her and it could be vice versa, that's why she doesn't care two hoots about herself and how annoyed you are having to wait for her every single morning. She might begged you to stay, not so that she can salvage the marriage but rather, because she's not mentally nor financially ready to go back to a life of singlehood.

I empatize with you on the matter of waiting as I am myself a punctuality practitioner. It is so stressful to have to rush to work and arrive at the workplace in a dishevelled state. Grrr...
Please STOP waiting for your wife. You have already told her about her tardiness and if by a certain time she's not ready to leave then she'll have to make her own way to work.

I am sorry to say this but if you continue to give her chances to change, you'll be wasting your time. Your wife can change but only when she knows you are serious about leaving.

Leave.

Answer 5

Look at yourself. Are you perfect? Have you tried ? I mean really tried? Why did you marry her? Were you forced? Where is your encouragement, love and praise? You are supposed to love your wife more than yourself. Do you make her feel beautiful and adore her so she wants to look good? More than likely you are the one making her face break out! The stress of those 15 or 20 minutes a day could do it. Before you lose the love of your life, make a genuine effort. Ultimatums do not do it, go to to get some help or you will have lost the last two years for nothing.

Answer 6

It sounds like you are not happy with her. I strongly suggest couples counseling. She doesn't seem to be happy either. Talk to her and try to find out why she's not happy. Communication is an essential key to a marriage. It seems as though that is lacking. Universities offer discounted counseling. Don't just quit, the two year mark is always difficult. Good luck.

Answer 7

Well I think maybe you should see a marriage counselor. I don't know how old you are but maybe you guys married to young or too fast and arent' mature enough to be in a marriage. Maybe she's stressed out and that's why her face breaks out. I think you've already checked out of the marriage which is too bad. Maybe you dont' look as hot as you used to either.

Answer 8

Honestly, if you really want out, get out. What kind of life would it be if you spent it unhappy? I do all kinds of things to make my man happy and to keep him always looking at me. She's in a comfort zone right now, and she won't get out unless something is done. You only live once, do what feels right in your heart, maybe you guys just need a bit of a break to realize what you are to each other. Good luck.

Answer 9

I feel sorry. Sit her down and let her know you did not get married to babysit a grown woman. and that you will not be responsible for getting her off to work anymore, and dont do it. Then ask her if she needs something to help her with her skin problems, if she acts up or does nothing, THEN tell her you are not ready to babysit a grown woman, and leave. She does not care enough to try at that points, so leave. good luck

Answer 10

Get counselling together. Obviously she has problems but I wonder how much of it is a reaction to your tense, controlling behaviour. Besides your up tightness about finances suggests that you've been living beyond your means. How much of this is your own fault? Marriage is about compromise and two people growing together. You need to take responsibility for your own side before you give up.