LOVE
I love thee with all my being.
I feel your essence coarse through me.
I see you in all things.
You more than complete me,
you are me and I you.
My chest aches,
I can not breath,
your love takes hold,
takes my breath away.
I see you in the stars,
the mountains, the lakes,
in the bluest of skies, and,
in the darkness of nights.
Your light warms me,
fills me with joy,
releases me from my fears,
bestows on me the knowledge
to receive and give.
You fill my hunger, my wanting,
my needs.
(c)
2007-08-20 19:02:10 · 6 answers · asked by *JC* 4 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
Thank you everyone for your responses.. very much appreciated.
2007-08-20 19:31:24 · update #1
Okay...please don't get upset...but unless you're going to write a "period piece", something as if written in the middle ages, do NOT use "thee", "thou", "hither", "yonder", "didst", "goeth", etc. I know how you feel...trust me, I made the same mistakes when starting out, so don't think you're alone, we all do it. Now you're past it, just don't do it again.
Next hit: "you complete me"...okay, it's a cliche, you know it, I know it, everyone knows it...still, it can work for you if you use it sparingly. I'll give you a pass on this one, but I'm not going to go easy on the "breath" "breathe" errors... you use it correctly the second time when you say "you take my breath away", but the first time you should have said "I can't breathe". However, once you've said it, either way, that's enough. Don't repeat yourself...which is what you do when you say "takes my breath away"...because you just said you can't breathe a few lines earlier...we get it, you can't breathe...let it go. Then you say that her light "warms" you, that it "bestows on" you "the knowledge to receive and give"...what? the knowledge to receive and give? what is that? I think you mean to say "the knowledge that comes of giving and receiving" or "the knowledge that comes from giving and receiving" or "the knowledge of how it's better to give than receive"...something, but not just "of give and receive". Oh, yeah, I almost forgot, be careful of malapropisms like "coarse"...you should have said "course"..."coarse" is the opposite of "smooth".
Start editing...read it out loud, edit some more, then post a revised copy so we can take another look. Your poem has promise, but you'll need to work at it a little more.
...and keep writing
2007-08-20 19:21:07 · answer #1 · answered by Kevin S 7 · 4⤊ 0⤋
Kevin S says it all. Yes, you repeat yourself, you make many grammatical/syntax errors, you repeat cliche after cliche and your point of view confuses the reader.
This needs a lot of work doing to it if you really want to transmit your ideas to the reader.
Good luck...thanks for posting.
2007-08-20 20:22:48 · answer #2 · answered by Superdog 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Nice...Very heartfelt. But, (please excuse my frankness) I don't think worthy of being printed. You don't need to read beyond the first 2 lines to get the drift. Make your poem a journey. Don't lay it out so fast and thick.
2007-08-20 19:26:22 · answer #3 · answered by Mark G 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I love it—it's beautiful. Did you write this? This poem simply goes right through your soul; it fills your entire being. I'm a hopeless romantic and I'm a sucker for these. Keep it up!
2007-08-20 19:13:28 · answer #4 · answered by g_sexy_cool 2 · 0⤊ 2⤋
awww this such a wonderful poem i love it....
2007-08-20 19:09:37 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 2⤋
aaawww, i like it
=)
2007-08-20 19:06:54 · answer #6 · answered by Bella Latina, 22 summers 3 · 0⤊ 2⤋