I Love You
I'm tired of waiting for you
And I think you're tired too
I just want to hold you
And for you to hold me too
But you betrayed me
You broke my heart and made it bleed
And now I can't stop crying
And now you can't stop lying
You say you're sorry
But that's just a story
You broke my heart
And now we are apart
You knew how I felt about you
Are the rumors true
Do you really love me too
Because you know I love you
But now I can't think about it
You extinguished the flame that was lit
I can't speak to you anymore
And now I'm not sure
How I feel about you
Can you ever be true
No you can't
So stop listen to me rant
Go live your life as a player
And leave me, you slayer
You killed me inside
You killed my pride
Now all I do is cry
And all you do is lie
2007-08-20 18:41:27 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
Here's the thing...you chose to write in short lined rhymed couplets...a form that it almost impossible for beginners to do well. Why? because the rhyme comes back at your so quickly that if you haven't phrased the lines perfectly, it won't sound natural and will have a childish "rhymy" sound to it...just think about "twinkle twinkle little star" and you'll see what I mean. There are two things you can do if you insist on writing in couplets. One, you can extend the lines so the rhyming word is delayed, or you can use slant rhymed words that are similar but not exact...the only other option would be to insert a word that is perfect for the phrase...and I don't mean just so it rhymes, I mean that completes it in such a way that you can't imagine any other word that would give the phrase as much meaning as well. Very, very difficult. If you decide that short couplets are too hard, then try a different rhyme pattern, or no rhyme at all. The other thing to keep in mind with rhymed couplets, or any rhymed poem, is that you need to decide on your meter and form...your lines are uneven, the beat is off in half of them and you left "anymore" just hanging out there without a partner. One thing is true, you said in your poem that this was a rant...that's true, but even rants have to be well executed. Another thing to consider in couplets: don't repeat the same rhymed words back to back...like you did in the first four lines. You have some good lines, but you lose them amongst the rest. This about this...your entire poem can be condensed into this:
I'm tired of waiting for you
you betrayed me
You broke my heart
I can't speak to you
I'm not sure How I feel about you
live your life as a player
You killed my pride
all I do is cry
all you do is lie
The rest of the lines are just repeats of these...not a whole lot of depth there, more like an average teenage romance with no background music. I'm not being mean, I'm trying to show you how empty it is...you're not empty, just your poem...so you need to figure out a way to fill it up with the emotion you feel...and you can't do that by "telling" us about your emotion...it's no good to say "all I do is cry"...so what? We want to know that your "eyes are red from betrayal"...it's no good to say he's a liar, we want to hear "I saw you with her". Can you see the difference? can you picture the difference? We need images, not just words...if we wanted words we'd go read a true romance novel...we want pictures created by your words...you feel them, so put those images on the page so we can see them too.
...and keep writing
2007-08-20 19:11:03 · answer #1 · answered by Kevin S 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Is there a three chord progression to this? Just kidding. I liked it for what it was but since I'm not a big poetry guy I am not the one to give you professional advice. This sounds a lot like a pop song though with the repetitious rhymes and themes of betrayal and forgiveness.
2007-08-21 01:48:54 · answer #2 · answered by knownothing 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Lets start with you are rhyming too and too. Please expand your vocabulary. Are you really 13 or just trying to sound that way? Also, punctuation might help to make this more bearable to read. For example: "so stop listen to me rant" changed to: So, STOP, listen to me rant or so stop listening to me rant.
2007-08-21 03:01:23 · answer #3 · answered by alaindrea 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
what's gone has gone by
be stronger and don't cry
the world is a place very big
out there someone for you indeed.
when someone cheat and lie
it's not worth a second's cry
God is Kind and you would be looked after
surely what He does it's for better
so dress your best, work and enjoy my dear
hope you will find someone true and sincere.
2007-08-21 02:06:22 · answer #4 · answered by Sharp Shooter 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I'd love to see you use more metaphors to describe your pain.
Not bad at all :-)
2007-08-21 19:37:40 · answer #5 · answered by ? 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋