Is this poem good? Like does it make sense?

Question

Wow!!!!
Every time I think of you together,
I just want to cry.
It’s like I’m in bad weather,
I just wish he would die.

From the pain inside,
To the pain outside,
I just wish I could hide,
And just let all the lies collide.

Nothing has changed,
It’s all just the same,
It’s all just deranged.
It’s all just one big game,
And you just play along.
U believe all his lies,
Which I think is just wrong,
Because u cave into all his buys.

I don’t think u know how much I care,
Which I hope you soon realize,
Because sometimes I just can’t bare,
And I wish I can idealize!

But that can’t happen,
Because every time I try,
The picture is just misshapen,
He is just not the right guy!

I just want u to breakup,
But then he’ll just convince u.
Then u’ll makeup,
And u’ll still have no clue.
Yet u’ll have another shakeup,
But you just won’t listen to our crew!

We’ve been trying to tell ya,
U just won’t listen.
We just feel so blah,
U think he just glistens!

But this isn’t about me,
Or our crew,
It’s just the way it will be,
All about YOU!

I would never mean to hurt u,
In any way, shape, or form.
All of this is true,
I just want u back to norm.

I want the person I miss,
When u were happy,
When the fun we had existed,
When every thing was SNAPPY!

That person was my best friend,
Always by my side,
But that has to come to an end,
Especially when he lies.

He took u away from us,
Swept u off ur feet.
Left us in the dust,
Which left us in defeat.

Then we got u back,
I guess we were the spoiled ones.
We never expected the SMACK!
We once again we missed u tons!

This time is hasn’t ended yet,
I just really want u back again.
I’m just waitin for that one threat,
Then all I will say is AMEN!

My friends say i should become a writer because i have written alot of poems but i dont think they're that good..... this one is the one that has gotten the most reponse from my friends....

oooo and im 14.... just for everyone who wants to know

Answer 1

Is this poem good?
Well, sometimes it rhymes.

Does it make sense?
Actually, yes, but not the sense I think you are looking for.

Count how many times you used the word "just" in this poem.
Outrageous. Totally unoriginal. Frankly, embarrassing.

Here is what is going on here.

This guy or this somebody attracted a friend out of your little circle/clique of friends and now everybody is ticked off and you are the mouthpiece and you write this poem. Then what? She comes back or he dumps her or both and now everything is fine in Oz?

This is soooooooooooooo dumb!

This is life! Get over it! People move on. People make new friends. Girls leave girlfriends for boys. Sometimes boys do it too (not too often but it's been documented!)

The time of life you live in is all about change and nothing but change. If there was ever an example of what doesn't last forever it would be teenagers and the crushes they go through. This isn't a time for bonding and stability. This is a time for testing and moving on!

So, yeh, this makes sense but maybe not what you want to hear. And I don't disrespect what you're going through. But you need to understand this is exactly what your life is going to be all about until you can vote. And then the relationships will last more than a few weeks or a few months.

And then, oh crap, you'll vote and then you'll really be stuck with somebody you don't like. And he or she will be the President.

Answer 2

Take a deep breath then read Margot's and Kevin S.' answers again. Difficult critiques are hard to hear sometimes, but will always take you further.

Something made you express yourself this way, and that's a good thing. You've said that you've written other work which you're friends have enjoyed so perhaps you have a passion for writing. Unfortunately, poetry isn't a paying gig, it's that passion, that drive to express yourself in writing.

For your work overall, do yourself a favor and DON'T RHYME. It's hard to do well, and many starting poets stop because their worried more about the rhyme then what they're trying to express.

For this work specifically, shorten it. Try to find where you're repeating yourself, or find the lines that are expressing most clearly what you want your audience to hear. I'm going to throw this challenge to you: turn this into a blank-verse work, sixteen lines long, with 10 syllables for each line.
You have some solid imagery and a good feeling for what you're doing: thank you for sharing this.

Answer 3

Rule number 1 in poetry: don't listen to reviews by friends and family unless you just want good news and support for your latest work.

You have a rather long poem, but I'll try to provide some comments on what I can see. First of all...please, give the words their due...it's "you", not "U", "you'll", not "U'll". Really, this is not text message central, it's a poetry forum. You're not using your cell phone, you're using a computer...how much more difficult is it to write "you" than "U"????? Do you have any idea how much that ticks off your readers? Please, poetry uses words carefully, the sound, the context, even the punctuation where it tells you to stress certain words by the meter, style and form...line breaks that tell you when to breathe, or a comma that tells you were to pause...all these things are important. So please, treat your words like the powerful tools they actually are, okay?

Lines like "we once again we missed you tons"...if you'd read that line out loud to yourself you would have heard how it was wrong...you need to do this. Poetry takes time, it isn't a note written quickly to a friend, it should be something you did with conscious, focused intent. After you've written a few lines, read them out loud, make sure they sound like you meant them to sound. Do you know how long it takes to edit a single phrase? to make the sounds dance on the tongue? If you want to write snappy little rants for your friends, fine, but if you want to be a better poet, listen...not just to me, or others, but to your own words...make sure they "show" your listeners or readers what you see in your mind's eye, don't just "tell" them what happened, what you're going to do, or what "U" did last night! If you want to be a serious poet, then start training yourself by asking more of yourself, by trying to dig a little deeper and come up with images that say more than just the words...you have it in you, everyone does, and you have the desire or you wouldn't have put your poem up here for comment...don't give up, dig in...and keep writing

Answer 4

Nice poem! Some of the stanzas are a little too repetitive, but otherwise, very good! Keep up the good work!

Answer 5

wow that's a nice one!!
how old r u???
too good for what ever age!!!
all the best and do continue the good work!!

Answer 6

that's pretty GOOD! u r definelly a writer already... lol