Has anyone ever told you how beautiful you are?
So beautiful and here you are with me.
From the very first I noticed, you are God's gift to all of us,
and the holder of a very special key.
Do people try to stop you, so they can say "I love you".
You add love to everything you do.
Someone must've mentioned you're a beautiful work of art.
You filled the hollow chambers in my heart.
You mean no one's ever whispered,"You're nothing less than a miracle"?
Well "You're nothing less than a miracle" to me.
Is it OK to tell you that just your elegant presence,
makes me want to wrap myself in thee?
2007-08-20 16:11:07 · 10 answers · asked by paris 2 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
Wow, that's beautiful! Did u write that? I wish I was the person on the receiving end of that poem. The person that poem is intended for is very lucky indeed to have u as a friend, if u wrote it that is.
2007-08-20 16:20:57 · answer #1 · answered by kiwi_mum1966 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I enjoyed this: the positive energy and the truism of the sentiment behind it. As you're using metaphor in several lines., I'd like to see you add an additional line per stanza taking that metaphor further.
Ex.
From the very first I noticed, you are God's gift to all of us,
and a holder of a very special key,
unlocking the goodness in us all.
Somone must've mentioned you're a beautiful work of art;
you fill the hollow chambers of my heart
with color, light and glory.
If this is for someone special, go further! They'll appreciate it.
2007-08-20 23:20:33 · answer #2 · answered by ObscureB 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First 4 lines are okay; abcb. Then you shoot yourself in the foot by switching to rhymed couplets, "and" you use "love" twice within a few words...not very creative. Then another pair of couplets (there goes the other foot) with a tired metaphor that's become a cliche "you're a work of art"...please, try to think of something original. Then you do an unrhymed couplet, followed by an anachronistic "thee"...unless you're writing a period piece of Victorian England, or Quaker USA, leave your thee's, thou's, and didst's. at home...you're a 21st century person, speak like one, write like one....and don't feel bad or alone, because I don't know any poets who didn't make the same mistake when they first started writing....me included....so you got some good company, just don't keep making the same mistake.
Have fun editing, and keep writing
2007-08-21 02:55:06 · answer #3 · answered by Kevin S 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
A beautiful poem. Sounds like it's come straight from the heart.
2007-08-20 23:28:53 · answer #4 · answered by *JC* 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Is this poem for a lover? because when i read it, I think that it is about a newborn child, a family member.... you could improvise some lines to make it more full of live... hmmmm
2007-08-20 23:40:40 · answer #5 · answered by mel 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
its pretty good but if you dont want it a ryming poem then change the last words in the second lines of the first two and the last two stanzas
2007-08-20 23:20:45 · answer #6 · answered by help me 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Kevin S says it all. All I can add is, it is very clear that you are young and have a lot to learn about love and what you think it involves.
Thanks for posting.
2007-08-21 03:50:21 · answer #7 · answered by Superdog 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Right on, Man!
2007-08-21 00:18:22 · answer #8 · answered by rumblecookie 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
very nice free verse....great metaphors and imagery!
2007-08-20 23:22:03 · answer #9 · answered by ButterflyBecoming 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i like it. its really sensative and sweet. i love it. Great Job!!!
2007-08-20 23:19:17 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋