" A work in progress"
Those words stay in my head
I will always remember
Those words that were said
Standing on the ground
Looking up at the sky
Not quite ready to leap or rise
Not quite ready to be a butterfly
"A work in progress"
That says it all
Too long I've been standing back
Ready to fall
People told me to shed my cocoon
But I wasn't ready
It was too soon
"A work in progress"
Describes where I'm at
I'm slowly becoming
Theres no turning back
2007-08-20 15:25:32 · 5 answers · asked by SnowWhite92 4 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
I'm Not a Girl
Not Yet a woman...
Seriously, I like it. Britney could learn something from you. Probably a lot of things.
2007-08-20 15:58:38 · answer #1 · answered by knownothing 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's good but it's very much on the surface. You really don't drill down into your feelings. I would love to see what you would say if you took this to the next level down.
For example, what were those words that stay in your head?
What kept you from leaping?
Why aren't you ready to be the butterfly?
Why are you standing back?
Why weren't you ready to shed the cocoon?
You seem to understand you are slowly becoming and can't turn back, but why is that?
It is the answers to these questions, not the questions, that will make this a poem.
2007-08-20 23:12:55 · answer #2 · answered by margot 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Not bad...you need another line break in the second to last stanza to keep your form consistent (between "me" and "to"), but otherwise you did okay. Don't forget the apostrophes...like the one you missed in "their's". Also, the last line of the first stanza is weak...you're basically repeating the second line and it is unnecessarily redundant. Also, the line "too long I've been standing back" is a little weak as well. You could have said, "...been tilting back" or "holding back" or "leaning back"...but "standing back" and "fall" just don't go together very well. Margot's comment is well taken, however. Your poem does lack a little depth, but that doesn't make it bad, just a little shallow, that's all.
keep working on it...edit a little more...
and keep writing
2007-08-21 01:30:05 · answer #3 · answered by Kevin S 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Got it. I watched one butterfly emerge, watching another one emerge. Well, that's the way I view my girls. And this poem describes it.
Thanks for sharing :)
2007-08-21 00:01:19 · answer #4 · answered by Poetry 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I like it.
2007-08-20 22:53:21 · answer #5 · answered by *JC* 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋