What do you think?

Question

I started writing this poem but I'm not sure how to end it:

What do you see?
What can it be?
Your point of view
Is what you see inside of you

An empty room
Can be peaceful and quiet
A quiet you love to hear,
But to someone else,
It's beyond loud-
Torture to their ears

Your only friend could be the moon,
That hangs in the sky so bright,
Or it could be your enemy for standing in the way,
Of extinguishing all the light.

What do you think?? Any suggestions or comments?

Answer 1

Seriously, this is a great poem. I like the fact that it's unique, visual, and creative. You have great talent, and I would love to read more. You've got a good head on your shoulders. Keep it up, because I believe in you and you can go a long way. Writing has the potential to change lives, and make a difference in the world. You can do that. You're a bright individual. Keep up the great work.

Answer 2

I think you could use a little editing. Your lines are in consistent, the meter as well. You started out with rhymed couplets, then went to...something abcdec...almost, then settled in to an abab pattern...which will it be? I think the best "sound" came from the last stanza, but the meter was off and the phrasing was very awkward. I see what you're trying to say, but you're struggling. My recommendation would be to start over. Pick a form, free verse or rhyme, and just stick with it for the entire poem. Decide how many beats per line you'll use and try to be consistent, or, if you're using free verse, make sure that your sounds resonate and that your phrases read naturally. I could try to do a full rewrite for you, but you need the practice, so go for it...edit it, read it out loud to yourself, then edit some more, then post it and we'll take another look. Don't give up...just work on it; the message is fine, you just need to workshop your poem, that's all.

keep writing

Answer 3

Well, first thing to say is...as Kevin S says here, you need to decide what form you are using here. It is too confusing for the reader as it currently is.

Next thing to say is, your second stanza here should be your first. It takes us directly to where you want us to be. The third should then be the second.

This leaves with what is now your first stanza. Hmmm...this is the one that needs to be cleaned up the most. Empty rooms mean that something has been taken away, or that something needs to be added. So, tell us...what has been taken away? Or what is it that needs to be added? Leaving the reader to answer your questions is a 'cheap' way to end a poem...because it's NOT our problem, it's yours - otherwise what are you writing about?. So, avoid that '?' at the end of things. It makes it look like you have no idea what you are trying to say.

Thanks for posting...work on it dear.

Answer 4

I like it, this poem has a lot of potential. I really like the second stanza. It seems though that the image of the moon, sky and "the enemy" comes rather sudden. There is no mention of them in the first two stanzas and then we get these images. Maybe somehow try to incorperate these images in the first two stanzas.

Answer 5

This is great!
You dont need anything else.
But if you really want more then do something like.

And god is silently waiting in heaven.

Answer 6

i agree with the person above me!!

Answer 7

I think it's done...PUBLISH it