Relationship,13 yrs and 3 young kids,stay or leave?

Question

Been with hubby 13 yrs.Have 3 children by him, 8 yr old boy, 3 yr old boy and 20 month old girl.He doesn't work because he was injured in the Army on duty.He is 38 and so am I.He is home 24/7. He has no social life and spends no time with our children. I tell him life is short but when he is not sleeping, he is on the comp or sucked into the TV.He doesn't hear anything they ask. I feel like I am living alone.I think he has played like 3 games with them in 8 yrs and maybe threw a ball a couple times.He has never taken any of them fishing, camping or any kinds of activitiies other then as a family when I have pushed it.He yells everyday about something,mostly at our 8 yr old always doing something wrong but I don't agree.I don't feel like this is normal but I have been with him for 13 yrs I don't know what normal is anymore. He loves us and has promised when I get upset to change but only does till things settleThis is not normal, right?Feel bad to split up but I think this is unhealthy.

Our reelationship was troubled from the beginning with his wanting to be with friends and smoking weed 24/7. I don't smoke weed. We have had major problems but have been civil. Kids don't see fighting or disrespect.,well,maybe couple times but things aren't crazy here.I feel like I am ripping his life apart if I leave but feel like he is bringing us all down. He would go back home and that is 2000 miles away but he cant afford the rent around here.So,he would be ripped from his children, I am so confused,any suggestions? Tried counsling,talking,writing and although things have improved these last 3 yrs,he still is not emotionaly with us ever.

Oh, he is a charmer. He can talk his way into anything. His IQ is very high but his life IQ sucks! He sold me on a dream and pulled it off long enough to convinse me. I homeshool our children and we have so many social events just through homeschool alone.Lots of invites.He is not interested.Till now,cause I rocked the boat but been hear, done this.Always goes back.He has lied,cheated,spent all the money we had on drugs at times,thenwent for cousling and came back.I am tired,I take care of my 86 yr old Grandmother and try to keep a balance.If I have to feel like I am doing this alone,then I want to be alone, just hate that I feel like I am ripping us apart.We are both in counsling.Done couple and I am tired of it all. Guess I know my answer but I am guilt ridden. That's all.

Answer 1

I am sorry, it sounds like a very disfunctional situation. But I can guarantee you that it will not change unless you change it. Your kids deserve better but it sounds like you know that already. Do not let financial things get in the way. Make your plan and go through with it. Don't let his promises make you stay because he will say anything to make you stay. It sounds either like he is in a depression or he is just plain lazy and is taking his family for granted. Don't let him say he will change while you stay. Leave and tell him on a trial basis to see if he does something to change the situation he is in and if he really does wonderful. If he doesn't then you are already out the door so keep on walkin. You have to for your children's sake if nothing else.
Good Luck!

Answer 2

You don't just "try"counseling - you stick with it - even when things are "better" because just because things are "better" doesn't mean the problems are fixed - all you did was put a temporary bandage on a deep wound.

Get back into counseling. His injury more than likely has left him very depressed - whihc is evident by how he stays on the computer and the glued to the tv, and basically chooses to have no life at all.

Did he want children? Or did you just get pregnant? That could be a huge issue too - if he doesn't interact with the kids, that sends a clear message he wasn't exactly a willing partner in the idea of being parents.

Answer 3

They say never to stay together for your children.. it's a hard decision. I would see if there is a way to compromise. Maybe one night a week, he should make the family dinner. Or 2 nights a week it's his job to read the kids a bedtime story. I don't think counseling works all that often.. if he's not beating you, I think you should try to work things out. As far as the smoking weed thing.. let him go to his friends house once or twice a week.. as long as he agrees to do something for the family.. like cooking dinner or reading a bedtime story. There has to be some kind of flame left.. if not.. then yes you should leave. And atleast once a month.. if not more.. take a day that you and him do something together.. like fishing.. or bowling.. or dinner and a movie.. both of you need to realize what brought you together in the first place.

My boyfriend and I take one day every other week to spend together and it brings us so much closer together.. we laugh and just spend time together and it means a lot to both of us.

I hope this helps you.. good luck!! I wish you the best.

Answer 4

Based on the information you provided, yes, I agree that it is unhealthy. It sounds like you can provide and take care of the kids on your own. What is your husband "bringing to the table?" Are you living on his disability funds? If you are capable of raising the kids and not putting yourself through financial hardship or that the court will not grant you full custody, then I think you should consider leaving.

Maybe this will be the "kick in the butt" he needs to see what he is going to lose. If you are looking for reasons to stay, you should seek marriage counseling for some ideas on opening up to each other and not resorting to yellling at the kids and displaying that sitting around at home all the time is acceptable to do as an adult.

Answer 5

Your husband is not well. He doesn't realize that, and you are so used to his isolated behavior that you may not realize it either. Your children are young, but when that 8 year old reaches his teens, he will be sick and tired of the yelling that has been directed at him. Like most teens, he will not just take that quietly. He will react in some way... at home or at school or both.

The emotional distance between you and your husband affects your children. And you are correct, that is unhealthy. This is how they will perceive marriage. Drag him if you must, but do schedule counseling. If he refuses to go with you, then go alone.

Answer 6

First off I want to say I am sorry u are going through this. Kids or guilt are not a reason to stay in a marriage going no where. When my hubby was out of work he went into a serious depression because he felt like he was no longer taking care of his family. I know you have already been in counseling but all counselors are different. It sounds to me like you really love this man so don't give up give him a dead line to change 6 months a year whatever you feel is right but you have to make a complete list of the things you want to change and be a bit flexible. I think you guys can make it because you have a lot of anger right now but the love still shows in your words.

Answer 7

If you want this relationship to work, then always remind him not get mad at everything) the yelling is not good for the kids! But most of all tell him to calm down and take him out because being just at home not having a little fun is pretty boring....y'all should go out to the movies or to an amusement park to have fun as a family!

Answer 8

He sounds like he is suffering from depression. Maybe you could encourage him to see a doctor or a therapist. It is very unhealthy and the man is obviously suffering. It would have to be hell for a man to be injured and not be able to work and provide for his family. My husband would be depressed too. He has too much time on his hands and he's just given up on himself. Maybe you should try encouraging him and planning new fun things for the family to do together to get him out of the house. Help him find his passion and tell him you beleive in him. You love this man right? Try to put yourself in his shoes for a minute, and try helping him first, before leaving him. Good Luck

Answer 9

It sounds at first like he is having trouble coping with the disability and is burying himself in his computer and TV shows, BUT THEN you mention the hanging out with friends and smoking weed 24/7 before all of this... You mentioned that he cannot afford the rent on his own, so that leads one to believe that you are working and supporting yourself, him and the children while he is sitting at home playing on the computer and watching TV. He probably does have some emotional issues that need some attention from a professional (VA hospital in the area where he can get counseling?), however, it also sounds like you are making things too cushy for him and he probably doesn't see much reason to be a dad or a husband. He is busy being a big kid. Sounds harsh, but I have been there. I remember being 8 1/2 months pregnant, barely able to walk, working 50+ hours a week while he sat at home on the computer during the day and drinking beer at night. Things ended badly for the marriage because he refused to get help and I refused to continue to enable this behavior. Things are better now for all of us - leaving allowed us to have a happy, normal life. I don't believe in divorce, I am a christian and the christian faith does not condone divorce unless someone commits adultery or leaves you. I discussed it with my pastor and the bible doesn't specify that the person has to physically get up and walk away to leave you. Sometimes they leave you a long time before they are physically gone. Try everything in your power to get him to seek help. If he chooses not to, you have 4 other lives (besides his) that you have to take into account. Quit listening to his promises to change - he is just trying to keep you from getting tough on him. How long do you have to hear "I'm gonna..." before you realize that he isn't gonna? If he is serious, HE will get appropriate counseling. Long-term counseling. He is the one with the problem and he is creating problems for everyone else. He is a grown-up and you need to clearly spell out exactly what you need and expect from him. If he will not do these things, you need to leave with your children. Can you imagine what it feels like to be 8 years old and feel like you can't do anything right? Children are so emotionally tender sometimes and really look for validation from their parents. Instead of feeling like you are responsible for how things turn out in his life, worry about your responsibility for how things turn out in your life and your children's lives. You have allowed him to come first for far too long - that needs to change. You aren't his mother.

Answer 10

He's depressed about his situation. He's not sure how to fix it because he can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Suggest counseling. If that doesn't work try setting up a secret video camera to record how he reacts to the kids. Play it back for him so that he can see for himself. Then suggest counseling again. If he doesn't go then I would let him know that you are done and have tried everything but you can't live like this anymore. Good Luck