I mean we have been married only a few years and then i started going thru his things and found little things that shouldnt be there or kept so i asked him about it and we started to fight now he doesnt know if he wants to be married or if he even wants to try that all of it is over welming.Its lasted a few days and i dont know what to do.I have always trusted him untill my mind wandered and hurt him. what should i do about our problems how should i try and fix things between us?? should i go to counceling should i give him time to think but still let him know that he is the only one for me and still tell him that i love him or what?? I need help to save my marriage. i need something to change the down fall of this great mans heart and my place in it. my world will end and i will die inside if i lose him. when i met him my heart knew he was the one and he still is the one for me. I hope i can find some help to make it stay that way.... please help me out! i really need it.
2007-08-20 13:28:20 · 29 answers · asked by Ashley 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Look, to tell u the truth there a worst things out there that can ruin a marriage, I say you talk with him further about and tell him WHY you had to make the choices u made adn how they affected the past and how they can affect the future. I'm sure if u tell him u had a good reason for the things in your past then everything will be okay, he'll undertand. Tell him though, that of all the things u did that the one thing u know not to undo or cahnge is being with him. Loving him is all u need and your love is in a way the trust the 2 of u share. So don't worry about it.
2007-08-20 13:34:24 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
If you go to counseling on your own, maybe that will help you more than trying to force the issue of counseling right now with him.
If you found little things that shouldn't be there in his things, then there are a few worrisome aspects to that: 1) he shouldn't have those things and that's not in dispute 2) he's angry that you went through his things and that means that if he is cheating, it will be a lot harder because he wasn't aware of the surveillance - it makes life harder for him 3) you went through his things because deep down, you have a gut feeling that he would cheat, could cheat and does.
None of that matters. You are now being faced with him retreating from the marriage. Let him. He's hurting you by telling you effectively that YOU are the one who screwed up here. This makes you double your efforts to show him and tell him that you love him.
So who is the person who screwed up really? You going through his things (he should have some privacy, true, but you also shouldn't have that gut feeling that he's capable of cheating) or him having the things that seem to show he's not being honest with you.
I guess it would be helpful to know what those things are. All of this would be addressed in counseling. If you go together, he will be defensive and may turn to lying even more. A skilled counselor would call him on those lies. Do you really want him to get 'nailed' that way?
If you go to counseling yourself, at least you'll have a chance to understand what is going on between you and your husband and whether you really want to accept the life he is offering you.
Frankly, if a guy gets caught and then says, 'All right, now, you've really done it this time... I want out', I'd think he's not good husband material. Emotionally, he's not with you.
2007-08-26 04:47:26 · answer #2 · answered by kathyw 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
it gets me that all of the people here are saying he cheats. I saw nothing in your question that would lead me to believe he cheats, and I've had a cheater. you only say that he has things that you don't feel he should have, or should have kept. remember that these are his personal things. I don't care if you are married, you had no business going through his things. would you want him going through your purse? there has to be a certain amount of trust. if you found things that show he is breaking the law, or violating the trust of the relationship (things that prove he is cheating), then it is right that you brought those issues up with him. however, if you found other things (pictures of old flames, porn, love notes, tokens of love and such) remember that is a part of his past, and he's not yet ready to leave those behind. it marks a time in his life, that was probably happy for him. it doesn't mean that he's not or can't be happy with you. it just means that it marks a time in his life. I still have love notes from high school. I have momentos I collected, memorbilia, and even pictures of me hugging past boyfriends. it doesn't mean that I can't let go. it doesn't mean that I don't love my boyfriend. it just means that was an important time in my life, and when I see those things, I smile at the memories. I have kept these things through two failed marriages. when things get hard in my life, and I wish I was a kid again without all the responsibilities of adulthood and parenting, I can mentally go back in time, remember those good times, and walk away with a smile on my face.
if it's just "things" you found, and nothing incriminating, then you should let it go. (and let's be honest, if it's porn, there's no reason to get upset. all men like porn to some extent. at least it's not laying around in your house for you to have to look at.) everyone has a past, a history before you came into their lives. and if it's just random "things", because you didn't specifically say what things it was, it's time you reevaluate where you are and where you want to be. if it's not worth the fight, then let it go. if it's something you could learn to overlook, then tell him that and focus on repairing the damage you caused. if you can't get past it, counseling may help you. but good luck. only you know what is best for you.
2007-08-27 07:20:49 · answer #3 · answered by flgalinms 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Ashley: You say you found some unwanted items in your husband's belongings, the fight literally started when your better half didn't empty his pockets!
Men don't know how to get rid of evidence, that's why they have wives!
They tend to hang themselves by keeping incriminating evidence on or near their bodies.
Not only do you need help, he does as well!
The two of you need to discuss seeing a marriage counselor immediately!
If the two of you love each other as you proclaim, then there should be no secrets between the two of you!
Hidden items are hidden agendas!
You say he doesn't want to be married because of the trust issue, what brought him to this point?
Or was he there already and using that incident as an excuse to pursue other avenues!
It sounds like he was a ticking time bomb and you started counting from 3!
You are a woman & you know what's going on, whether you admit it or not.
Don't be blinded by love! See things for what they truly are!
2007-08-28 13:29:02 · answer #4 · answered by Sustagurl2 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
because your have not grown yet, what i mean is that their is still no trust with each other. Your husband get so piss off when you are sneaking threw his things, and it is really bothering him. If your husband is doing something negative it will come out soon or later. Don't lose your husband for nonsense that you are creating. Without trust in a marriage it willn't work. Stop letting your mind wonder, its only the devil trying to break up a marriage.
2007-08-28 12:03:03 · answer #5 · answered by dbrh_soto 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wait till you are both laying in bed, in the dark, and then softly begin to tell him that you need him to know that you have trust issues, and that you want his help to get over them. When he grunts and sounds like you are being a pain, STILL speak softly. Take his hand, and tell him that you just love him so, and didn't know what to think when you saw those things. Ask him what they mean to him. Actually, there is nothing wrong with keeping old things from old flames. My husband and I both have old love letters, but we never really even think about them. Maybe one day we will get rid of them, because, after all, we trust each other. The past is the past, but sometimes it is a nice place to visit in our minds---as long as we don't want to go there physically or emotionally. You lack self-esteem. Remember that it is YOU whom he is with.
2007-08-20 13:36:23 · answer #6 · answered by lcamel2000 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Go to counseling. Dr Gary says 8 weeks, below.
95% he will not consider counseling.
Pray to God, read 1st Letter of John at back of Bible everyday for a week, maybe month, only 5 chapters. This letter has Love in it. First 3 verses has 2 words for the purpose in the center of those 3 verses.
75% within variables that will find a break up, unless you can find out how to utilize 1st Peter 3:1, "without a word".
http://www.familylife.com/articles/article_detail.asp?id=528
http://www.family.org/marriage/
http://www.americasfamilycoaches.com/
- If someone told you that in just eight weeks your marriage would be happier and healthier, would you want to find out how? Countless couples can testify to it. = = = The biblical model of marriage isn’t being upheld in our society today. When marriage goes, so does the family. Hebrews 13:4 says, “Marriage should be honored by all…” The passage goes on to talk about keeping the marriage bed pure. That first part of Hebrews 13:4 never stuck out to me until a friend recently pointed out God’s commandment of honoring marriage. Could it be that God is using what's going on in our culture today to birth a marriage revival in the hearts of people all across this land? Is God stirring a passion in your heart to make a difference in your marriage and in the marriages of those around you? ++++Barb and I hope and pray that you won’t miss out on this movement of God. Please join in the work God is doing through marriages in this country. Let us partner with you to ignite a marriage revival in your community and across this land. ====
Dr. Gary and Barbara Rosberg
These web sites might help you sooner.
Get more to pray for you.
Scraggs
2007-08-28 12:22:27 · answer #7 · answered by Scraggles 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you should have thought about the consequences of you snooping. seek and you shall find. if you thought that your husband was cheating. you have confronted him instead of going through his things. now he feels violated and he should. you need to learn the rules of the games. if you are snooping and find some dirt you cant say anything to him about what you found because you should not have been it his things. if your husband is cheating all you had to do was sit and wait.trust it all would have came out eventually. he will probably never trust you again like he did before. give him some time and space to regroup and think. and than you both should sit down and talk about everything and why you did what you did. communication is key. GodBless.
2007-08-28 01:12:01 · answer #8 · answered by Crystal G 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Tell him that you love him, and are very sorry that you let your "imagination" get out of hand. Let him know that you were wrong to "snoop" through his things-if you would have asked he would have probably shown them to you anyway. Explain that you will not do that again, and ask him if there is anything of yours that he is "curious" about. Your marriage should not end over this, and if he is dead set on ending it, then in all honesty there was more to his "deceit" than what you found. If he loves you he will get over it, but if he continues to be untrusting, cold and distant, then I would wonder about the "stuff:" you didn't find!!!!!! GOOD LUCK
2007-08-20 13:40:59 · answer #9 · answered by donnakygirl 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
i'm sorry. sometimes it can be bad to think, cuz it could freak him out and make him think too much. you should talk to him, appologize for whatever you said, and tell him that there's nobody else you want to spend the rest of your life with. you have to put whatever it was that you found behind you and make sure that inside of you you honestly trust him and know that he wouldn't do anything to hurt you. You should really just tell him basically what you just wrote here. that you'll die inside if you lose him. maybe marrige counceling will be good. I wish you all the luck!
2007-08-20 13:37:34 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋