Best friend is gay... I don't know if I can deal and accept... is our friendship dead?

Question

What do you call those people who hate or fear homosexual men? Well I was (still am?) one. (As an aside, I am very open to lesbians, maybe because I am a woman myself). I recently found out that my childhood’s best friend turned gay. Not unexpected. When everyone started to fall in love, I never got the “hot” vibe off him, always the “brother” vibe.

I found out when he accidentally and unawares wrote an email to his boyfriend from my logged-in account. That email got stuck in my drafts folder. He doesn’t know that I know, but he knows that I’m freaked of gay men and that’s why he probably never told me.

So, what the hell now, should I keep on pretending? Should I tell him? Should I (or do I have a right to) be mad that he never told me? I’m angry and embarrassed and not sure if I feel that towards myself or towards him, and I’m not sure which one of us betrayed the friendship--he who did it knowingly but unwillingly or I who did it willingly but unknowingly.

I'm not a lesbian, I'm just not afraid of lesbians as Im afraid of gay men.
I can't help the way I feel any more so than he can help who he is.God knows I tried to accept everyone, people of other races, cultures, sexual orientations... and homosexual men are the only ones I'm irrationally freaked of, don't say that it's my fault please because it's not.
And I did not betray our friendship any more so than he did. At least I was honest while he chose to lie.

I didn’t want to read his email. I wouldn’t have if I didn’t see it in my drafts and wondered what the hell is this. I only later realized that it was from my friend to a MAN and then the damage was already done.

No, I don’t want any sort of romantic relationship with him, never did. I really enjoyed talking with him about guys. Now I know why he enjoyed talking about guys as well.

I’m more hurt by that he kept it a secret than by that he is gay. Maybe if he told me earlier, I would’ve learned to accept better. I don’t know why I’m homophobic and I’m embarrassed that I’m homophobic much like I’m embarrassed that I’m claustrophobic, it’s not my top bullet in my resume if you know what I mean. I only shared this secret with a few very close people and he is one of them.

Answer 1

You're being stupid, has he ever made any advances on you?
What would you do if the shoe was on the other foot and your friend found you were gay, wouldn't you want him to be just like he always was and just forget about it.

It's not your friend who has the problem dude it's you.
Being afraid of gay men or boys is stupid, we wouldn't touch you unless you wanted us to and then we'd have to like you that way first.

It's no different from having a straight friend and I know you don't worry about them.

Grow Up Dude

Answer 2

It the relationship dies, it will only be if you let it. You have no right to be mad, considering your reaction it was a gift that he kept it from you. He didn't betray anyone, but if you leave him over this-- that is betrayl. It's not his fault he's gay any more that it's your fault for your eye color. He did nothing wrong at all.

You should try to think why you don't like gay men, try to see what you find so repulsing about it. Is it maybe that you've always liked him, and you are mad you can't have him? Or is it something else? Realize it's not his doing, he was born that way. He couldn't change if he wanted to.

If you would let a friendship go over sexual preference, maybe you're the one with the real problem. He did nothing, and you had no right to read the email (even in your drafts) It is not your fault, but what you do with this friendship will define you. Don't let something this miniscule get in the way of a good relationship, I never have.

A true friend stays no matter what. It's called unconditional love.

Answer 3

1st. its called be a homophobe (whch is so stupid because it really makes not sense to fear someone elses sexual preference).
2nd. HE IS YOUR BEST FRIEND. If you are his best friend then you should support him on the fact that he is gay and dont be angry at him for something he has no control over. He probably didnt tell you because he was afraid you would stop being his friend, which is a way better phobia than homophobia. know this, nothing has changed between you, if you had not known...you would have carried on your life with him as friends and now that you do know..why should that change? friends stick together and dont judge each other. if u dont approve of him and will disown him as a friend...then you probably weren't that close to begin with (seeing as how you can throw away a friendship so easily).

All i'll say is give it time. he's still the same guy u knew way back then...only thing is he like men, not women. big deal!

tell him you know and if u really care about your friendship, tell him that it doesnt bother you and that you support him. being gay is hard enough. having family and friends that one loved you, disown you is very hard and emotionally damaging.

so...do what you seem is right. gl.

Answer 4

Don't be mad he didn't tell you that's probaby a hard thing to tell someone. Plus, he is really under no obligation to tell you, especially if you've voiced how you felt about gays in the past. Origionally upon reading this question I thought you were a guy and worried he would hit on you or something, I think it's kinda strange a girl has a problem with it, seems like every girl wants a gay dude as thier best friend. I think your mad at yourself that your so closeminded about this. Also, maybe you like him and your mad he doesnt like you back or that you can't have him? If you can't handle it just tell him though.

Answer 5

The word is "homophobic".

I don't think you should be angry at him - like you said, he probably knew from the beginning that you had a negative view of homosexuality. That's a pretty common attitude in society, so gay guys get used to keeping that information to themselves. Don't be offended that he didn't confide something like that with you. He'll let you know when he's ready. Or, he may have been waiting for when YOU were ready to hear it.

You don't have to like that he's gay - that's only one tiny facet of his entire being. It's not like he's sleeping with your boyfriend when you're not around.

Is your friendship dead? Answer my question and you'll know the answer to yours:

How shallow are you as a human being?

Answer 6

he is wrong for not tellin u but at the same time he probably didnt want to tell u because of the fact of him knowning that u hate gay men and u had no right to read his mail that he wrote and i think that u should tell him because if u dont while yall 2 is 2gather u will be freak out of him and u dont want that 2 be bottle in for so long u need 2 tell him and maybe u will accept him as being gay u said that yall have been friends for so long(childhood friends).

Answer 7

Well, at least you do recognize there was some homophobic thoughts in you. I believe you should tell him. My best friend, who I thought to be really homophobic, came up to me one day and just said that he knew about my tendencies and that he accepted me in any way - he didn't care if I was bi or straight or gay, just as long as we'd still be friends and if I was a good person. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. To be honest, it still brings tears to my eyes. If you do accept him, let him know in the most casual, relaxed way, as the normal thing that it is.

Answer 8

You might find the organization Parents Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays helpful: http://www.pflag.org/

Answer 9

Friendship has no boundaries. If you impose boundaries you scuttle the friendship. It is up to you. He is exactly the same person he always was, he hasn't changed. It is your problem not his if you cannot accept that he has the right to love anyone he chooses.

You have no right to be mad at him. With your attitude I am not surprised he hasn't told you already. If you are his friend, accept him for who he is. If you can't do that, you are not his friend.

Answer 10

I wouldn't mind having a gay or lez friend...

Sometimes friends dont reveal themselves to us NOT because they betrayed us but also maybe we showed some signs that it is not acceptable for us.

In my case, a real friend is a real friend NO MATTER what the orientation is. I suggest go on as if nothing happened and maybe, just maybe, your friend will reveal himself to you --- IN TIME. I can never afford to lose ONE TRUE FRIEND over his/her orientation.