Ready for a KayJay poem?

Question

KayJay
Written by Semper Fi 83 8/20/07

I looked out in my garden,
And there on the fountain beyond my french doors,
Was a lovely and rare bird.
Whose call sounded like somewhat of a word.
KAYJAY! KAYJAY!

As I paused to reflect,
This new song charged my intellect,
And I found that I was now in a trance.
A hypnosis induced dance of sorts,
For my head had become an auditorium.
Right next to the Chrysanthemums!
All there was was the call of this bird,
KAYJAY! KAYJAY!

As I looked at the light,
The doctor was holding,
I thought back to that lovely bird.
That's when I yelled KAYJAY! KAYJAY!

Then the needle........sleepy.........

Answer 1

Im confused. It seems like you were going in on direction. But then you changed. So I want to know were you talking about a bird, your life, or the experience of going to the doctors office? Did the doctor drug you? Cuz you said the needle and then you said sleepy. But On a positive note I have to say that you really have a unique style and a way of expressing yourself. So keep that up.

Answer 2

Okay...well...let's start with the wording first..."whose call sounded..."...I'd recommend you change the word order so it reads like this:
"Whose call sounded somewhat like a word" or "...the word"
You say "as I pused to reflect, this new song..." why "new" song...why not "bird song"? or "bird's song"?
The line that reads "and I found that I..." too long, not direct enough...try, "And I found myself in a trance" or "I suddenly found myself in a trance". Then you have the line, "all there was was"...ooooh, a phrase killer, the double "was"...almost as bad as the double "that". Try, "The call of this bird was all I heard", or "All I could hear was the call of this bird".
The final lines are fine since they go off into la-la land...literally. All I can figure is that you danced yourself off a balcony or into the street and you are suddenly looking up at the doctor who is giving you a sedative to knock you out. And trust me on this, I'm not the only one you lost here. Remember, poetry is not the art of being clever, abstruse, or esoteric, it's about communicating...so if we don't get it, it's not our fault, it's yours. Consider adding enough detail so we don't have to guess.

...and keep writing

Answer 3

Why?