I feel stuck in a relationship where we fight and he controls me and the money. I have no family or friends?

Question

I have been completely isolated for the opportunity to make friends. It's been 7 years and he's been involved with some questionable activities lately. He's full of double standards, he has no conscience and blames all our problems on me. I moved with him 9 states in 7 years for his job and have tried to be supportive. But he won't let me work or leave the house without permission. And now I want out and that would mean going to the streets in a strange city. I sometimes think I'd be happier there. But the prospect scares me. Has anyone or is anyone in the same situation? What do you do? I feel trapped.

Sorry this question posted twice.

He moved us out into the country and cut off all possible means of transportation. I WAS working but he stalked me outside of my job (I was a graveyard shift cashier at a grocery store in New Orleans.) They were ready to call the police and I had to beg them not to. AGAIN I don't have the option to call my family, they have made it clear they DO NOT want their lives disrupted. He just wats to know where I am and what I'm doing every second of everyday he even gets mad when guys look at me. He doesn't want anyone to see me. I want out. This qestion was really for people who have BEEN there or ARE there.

OR serious answers. Thank you warlock for coming back and taking the time to answer me seriously.

The only thing I'm concerned about with shelters is they press charges and that means being stuck here for trials and everything. I just want to go and leave the state IF possible, as SOON as possible.

Answer 1

Please go to a battered women's shelter! You don't have to press any charges if you don't want to. They'll help you start a new independent life with friends and a job and, most importantly, WITHOUT this guy.

Here is a hotline for you to call to get some professional advice on your situation. 1-800-799-SAFE. You can call and ask them any questions you have. They'll give you the straight facts and good advice.

And here's a website that will give you more information. As you can see, what this guy is doing to you IS emotional abuse.
http://www.4woman.gov/violence/types/emotional.cfm

I'm crossing my fingers for you. Please post here and tell me you called the hotline!

Answer 2

You don't have any children?
Your family doesn't want to be involved? I have a feeling there's a story behind that - did they take you in once before and have him take you back? You perhaps made them think you really didn't want to absolutely be out of that relationship. That was then and this is now but they probably don't want a repeat of that scenario.
Shelters don't require you to press charges. Why do you think that? They make it easy to get away and then they do press charges, I'm sure, if they see a resident being harassed. But they do everything to make sure that isn't likely to happen. Would you go to a shelter, for instance, and then call and tell him where you are? So he would try to come and make you leave? An ugly scene would erupt and then yes, I'm sure a shelter would call the police. After all, those scenes can turn very violent.
But why wouldn't you just never ever get in touch with him again unless it was to have divorce papers served?
The prospect of living on your own scares you. It IS scary. I'd stay with the shelter as long as possible - I assume we're talking about a shelter for abused women. Abuse in this case would consist of someone trying to control your every move.
But when you get scared, you go back to him? Isn't that like going from the frying pan into the fire? Does he try to negotiate with you at that point, telling you he will give you lots more freedom? Do you then give in and get back into the trouble you tried to leave?
Shelters for abused women have counselors for this. I'm sure they see women go back to these relationships as reliably as a boomerang returning to the point of origin.
That has to be frustrating for them.
Are you sure that you don't really want HIM but you want him to give you more freedom? I'm sure he knows that's the way to deal with this but the end result is that it doesn't get better.
You have to be totally ready and use the counseling that's available and get strength from yourself and from the help that's offered. Not to get stronger so that you go back to him.
You don't have children - that you have mentioned. You are an adult with legal rights. Your trap is one that you can walk out of by walking out the door and keeping going. I can see how that is terrifically hard for you since you haven't been able to do it so far. But no matter how hard it is, there's help out there and the 'help' from the shelters can't 'help' you unless you're determined to use it and stick with it.

Answer 3

contact your local women's shelter. they will tell you what you have to do to get in. and once in, there are rules you have to follow. the thing with these shelters is that no one knows where they are, at least where I live. once the word starts getting around, they up and move. men are not allowed inside at any time. this includes counselors. NO MEN! you can come and go as you need, get a job and such, but you have to be back in at a certain time. you are not allowed to tell your husband where you are. no male children over the age of 12. the counselors will give you the therapy you need, help you find a job, and get on your feet. they will help you file for divorce, and get a restraining order if you need to. they do not require you to file charges. this is a safe haven, and is not designed to make your life harder. however, if you have been severely beaten, or show markings when you arrive, they can take it on themselves to press charges through the state, but this is only if you were severely beaten trying to leave. think about this option. call them and talk to them. it will help answer any questions and address any fears you have.

if you don't feel that was an option for you, look up an old friend. someone you feel you could turn to from your past. ask if you could stay with her if you can make your way there. explain to her what is going on, and that you need out. if she was ever your friend, she would not turn you away in your time of need. and then, find a way to get there. it's not always easy. (if it were me, and I really had no other options, I would take his wallet and the car, and leave in the middle of the night while he's asleep. he'll probably be out for hours, and I'd be long gone. can't press theft charges against his wife if she's not forging his name...) but take it one step at a time, and you will get it done if you really get out. good luck with this. I've seen this far too many times.

Answer 4

They don't press charges here in MI unless that is what we want. Besides if it means pressing charges, or not having any life other than one of emotional abuse, which would you choose. I know how horribly frightening it is, especially after being told how inept I am. But you are capable. You are a smart woman. You can learn to care for yourself and find the freedom you need and deserve. I got out. It was the hardest thing I've ever done think. Later I had to learn why I put up with it, and change that about myself. But in the meantime...get out! Call a shelter, they may be able to send for you. Or start saving money he won't miss and make a plan. But DO something. Call battered women helplines. Keep moving toward getting out, spoonful by spoonful. email me if you want, I would be happy to support you. I know from first hand experience how bad women feel about themselves after years of that kind of being abused. At least let me know how you are if you don't mind. I really do care. Get out any way you can. Shelters have social workers and they will help with many aspects of life you probably don't feel up to taking care of.
Blessed Be and may Peace be with you

Answer 5

You are trapped because you will not make a move to get him out of your life. If you think leaving the state, in other words, running away, is going to keep him away, rest assured, he'll find you. The guy sounds dangerous. You said you are "scared" of being on the streets in a strange city. I'd be scared of living with the creep any longer. Make plans to get to a law enforcement agency while he's working and ask them for help. They'll advise you of the best way to handle it. You must find a way to be free of him.

Answer 6

You sound like after 7 years of this controling abusive son-of-a-***** taking you through hell you are ready to get away. I know something of this kind of situations, you need a plan, but if thats not what you had in mind then you should just go to the shelter I know its not what you want but it may be what you need. Let them press charges if he does anything else, you dont have much to lose. You gave a bad relationship everything you had. Now it is time to start caring and loving yourself. You may have to start over somewhere else. How will you know what doors can open if you dont try to save yourself. I pray that you dont have children that have witnessed his abusive ways, because for their sake you really need to get away...

Answer 7

You need to drop this guy like a bad habit. It sounds like you are in the middle of a relationship with a controlling man, who had purposely kept you on lock down specifically to make sure that you would be emotionally unable to leave him.

You need to realize that, regardless of anything he has said to you, or how he treats you, you can do whatever you need to do. It is not going to be easy. It will be very difficult. But if you want freedom and independence, the ability to feel like you are worth something, and not someone else's plaything, you will need to take that plunge.

Nobody but you can decide whether this is the right move for you. It is something you have to really want if you want to succeed. But believe that if you want to you can do it. And the rest you can deal with when you get there.

I wish you the best with whatever you decide, but imho, if I were you, I'd leave sooner rather than later. Be prepared for whatever may follow if you decide to tell him you want out. But be brave. Once you've decided to leave, do not back down. Do not cave in. No matter how nice he is, or what he promises. No matter what he threatens you with. Be willing and ready to call the cops if necessary. Just get out.

Answer 8

You are in a dangerous situation which is not going to improve the longer it goes on. He is possessive, and thinks of you as his possession that he owns...not an individual in your own right.

Your mistake is allowing him the control he has...you need to be independently able to take care of yourself.

You are going to need help to get free of him....and there are hot lines you can get hold of....and you need to get hold of one...there must be a time when you can use the phone, or have a friend drive you when he is at work, etc. or go next door to the neighbors so they can relay a message for you.

This guy is not balanced and you need to get out....and get so far away he can't find you....maybe under a different name, etc. Call the hot line....explain the situation...maybe they can come to you..Otherwise, call the authorities...and they will send someone to help you....Be ready to leave and don't come back!

Answer 9

This is abuse, get out while you can. I too went through a similar situation and I finally made up my mind and I left with the clothes on my back. I didn't care about all the material things. I could not take it anymore. I've rebuilt my life and feel free and happy, finally after 5 years of this. You need to make a plan and just do it.

Answer 10

Your fear is his greatest ally. Isolation is an abuser's tactic. It's going to take courage to break away. Develop your plan ahead of time, know where you are going, what you will take, and how you will get there. You CAN do this, you CAN be free, but it is going to take courage. You are NOT alone, there are people in every community set up to help you. Start by making the call. Freedom is a basic human right. Good luck.