Why do some women stay with their abusive husbands?

Question

My neighbor just now filed for divorce after being abused by her husband for 9 years! Why do women stay with their abusive husbands? If my partner ever seriously abused me, and continued to do so, I'd be filing for divorce as soon as possible.

Is it have to do with a feeling of insecurity if they left? A feeling of embarrassment and shame for themselves having to move back with their parents for a while? What? I just don't understand the logic?

Oh God, maybe I should talk to other neighbors and get the authorities involved if killing can occur.

On second thought, I should stay out of it. I hate to do so, but there's nothing I can do without risking myself and my partner.

It's so depressing...

Answer 1

You said you "just don't understand the logic"...and that's because to an outsider it seems as if there's no real logic to it. However, she's operating in survival mode, which does require SOME logical thinking. Also, she's psychologically ill from having lived in that situation for so long. There are many reasons she might stay. Fear is a big one. Most women fear that if they leave, the abuser will follow...that he won't let her go peacefully. He might threaten her, stalk her, assault her further, or even kill her. Most women who are killed by their abusers are killed during the act of trying to leave the relationship...or shortly thereafter. It's a big myth that a woman is in more danger staying than leaving. Leaving is most dangerous. And there are other reasons, too. She may have developed depression, anxiety disorders, post traumatic stress, alcoholism/drug addiction (self-medicating that turns into full blown addiction). She's likely been isolated and cut off from family and friends over time, and now she has no one to turn to for help or protection or support. She may have not been allowed to work outside the home, and to leave would mean she has to find a way to support herself (with no job skills, no job experience, and likely she has children who will be depending on her, as well). She doesn't know anything different. She fears she will never have a normal life. She is numb. She does not feel pain and horror toward her situation the way that someone else would. She's not mentally healthy. She mistakenly thinks that keeping the family together is better (for the kids) than getting a divorce or separation. She mistakenly thinks if she loves him enough he will change. She believes him when he says he'll change. She knows he really does love her. She does not understand that even though this may be true, he is not capable of making those changes. She over-estimates her ability to control the situation. She figures if she can just make sure she doesn't do anything to upset him, they can all live in peace. It takes a long time to understand that no matter what she does or does not do, he will still react unrpredictably and violent toward her. It is also often very difficult to trust other people enough to let them in to her situation to help her. Often the abuser is a master at manipulation. He will have everyone else believing that SHE's the "crazy one." He may even try to take her kids away from her. He'll play head games. He'll do whatever he feels is necessary to control her, to keep her from leaving him. And yes, sometimes embarrassment is a factor, but generally not the biggest factor. It's just one more tiny straw on a huge pile that's already there. After being abused, isolated and so forth for so long, a woman has nothing left inside. She doesn't know who she is. She doesn't know what she wants. She has no self-esteem. She can't make decisions. She's easily confused. She's truly at her weakest point. Trying to leave is a monumentally HUGE step to try and make when one is in this kind of psychological and physical state. It's amazing to me that some get out at all.

EDIT: I read your comments (the person who asked the question) and if you want to help, DO call the authorities if you suspect there's a reason to. Don't just ignore it if you're hearing or seeing something violent taking place.

Answer 2

Sometimes they think that it is just a phase and that their husband will change. Other times the husband threatens to hurt the children if the woman leaves so she stays so the children aren't hurt. A lot of times the woman doesn't have money or any support to leave her husband. She might think it is her fault that she is being abused especially if the husband yells at her. Some men think that when a woman is married to them then have a God given right to hit their women and children(mostly daughters are the ones who are hit) because they were raised in abusive homes so that is all they know. Or they think that women are inferior to men and that women are a man's property. The women might think that the police might not believe them or that their children might be taken away from them if they tell someone about the abuse. Maybe they don't have family to support them so they don't leave. It could be low self esteem as well. My mother was 14 when she met my 20 year old father and she was physically and emotionally abused by him from 1986-1988. I was born 24.5 weeks premature and wasn't reunited with my mother until Mother's Day 1988. My father almost killed her in court with a gun and ran her over with his car becuase he didn't want her to leave him. Most women are afraid that their husband or boyfriend will come after them(they always do) and punish them more severly for leaving so they stay instead of finding help.

Answer 3

Sometimes, Infact usually, the husband or boyfriend will isolate the woman, cutting her off from her family and friends over time in a manipulative and clever manner, so she'd have no one to talk to, to give her perspective on her relationship or to go to when she leaves him. Sometimes the man will get so aggressive when the woman leaves that it will simply appear easier for her to stay with her abusive partner. Sometimes she will have been manipulated to the degree where she believes the abuse is what she deserves or she'll never be able to find anyone else, or that the abuse is justified. Sometimes, women believe their partners will change. A violent man is uaually skilled in the art of manipulation and would never allow himself to be 100 per cent nasty. The woman will cling on desperately to the nice side of her partner, believing that that is his true personality. Sometimes, a woman will think she has nowhere to run to, and does not know about refuges, etc. And sometimes, a woman will enjoy playing a victim and is not as clueless to the whole thing as she may seem, and may actually provoke the abuse for attention. Lots of reasons.

Answer 4

Many of these women have very low self-esteem and sometimes no job skills and no ability to care for themselves. Some of them have been cut off from a support system or family by the abuser. In some cases there may be expectations from the woman's family that she remain in a relationship regardless of what her husband does, that's often the reason women in very traditional cultures remain. Many are told that they deserve to be beaten and that no one else will love them/want them/care for them/find them attractive. That is a classic ploy of an abuser. Often a woman who is in an abusive relationship was abused as a child or witnessed domestic abuse in their own family and simply believes that's how things are. Young women are at risk of domestic abuse because sometimes they don't have the experience or life skills to provide for themselves. Then there are the women who feel they can change a man or that "This time he really means it when he says he'll stop". Some may have attempted to leave only to be tracked down by their partner. The abuser may threaten to take the victim's children away or to kill them and their children. They may be afraid they can't care for their children. Some abusers have more resources than the victim and may threaten to expose them as alcoholics, addict or worse.

All of these may seem easily solved by a casual observer but the psychology behind why these women stay is complicated and individual to each person. What makes one woman stay isn't the same as what makes another stay.

Answer 5

often when the woman is in an abusive relationship she wont get a divorce, fearing that her husband will be angered and abuse her even more. actually, there have been some cases where the woman finally filed for a divorce and the man came back and killed her. she is afraid of him. he is the one who makes decision's in the house and for her to step up and get a divorce would be very bold.


EDIT: kgl_m, you couldnt be more wrong. while i agree with you that the woman could be abusing the husband, that does not mean that both have a part in the abuse. a lot of times alcohol and drugs play a huge role in an abusive relationship. (obviously, alcohol can have an affect on you and cause you to act out of character.)

Answer 6

There is not one reason women stay with their abusive partners but many. Abuse comes and goes in cycles. When abuse first begins it is probably not that noticeable, maybe there is some verbal abuse. If she is in love with her partner, she might try to tell him not to say these things but it eventually gets worse. Then comes the physical abuse. After it happens once, he promises to never do it again and she loves him and wants to believe him. By this time he has torn down her self esteem little by little and made her doubt herself, like it is HER fault that he gets angry. She has gotten used to accepting this abusive behavior. He may even threaten to harm her or her children if she leaves him. He is very insecure so his goal is to make her feel even more insecure than HE is. Abuse only gets worse and there is no easy way to get out of this kind of relationship. There is no way you will truely understand unless you have experienced it.

Answer 7

It is a many layered issue. It has to do with the subversive and undermining he has done to her that leaves her feeling incapable of handling her own future without HIS protection and support because she is so "incompetent and stupid". Also many women feel safer staying with the evil they know than dealing with the unknown that they will have to face on the "outside". Also fear of failure, again back to the conditioning he has enforced on a probably already low self esteem. The counselors in the Womens' Shelter say that 95% of the women who escape the abusive situation will return and a large percentage will eventually succumb to severe trauma either physical and or mental. What they fail to realize is that staying for the sake of the children is a really backwards argument because it only leaves irreparable scars that lead to a new generation of abusers and victims. So escape and conseling is the best option for the whole family.

Answer 8

there is no logic. there is fear.
an abusive person starts slow. they break away at a person's self-esteem first. they isolate the person. they make them dependant on them alone. they make them think they can't do better. they will layer on the compliments when it will benefit them. they can be very smooth. they can be very cutting. they know what hurts & they use it to manipulate & control. THEN the "real" abuse starts. by then they've already been beaten down, emotionally & mentally. and if they aren't & try to leave, then the abusive partner can get deadly, or extremely abusive.


edit: what you can do is keep an ear out for fights, call the cops if you hear one. you can also be a friend to her and bolster her self-esteem. additionally, you can find info for her to aid her in leaving. numbers for shelters, etc. and advise her not to leave while he's there... i made that mistake. i tried to be civil & adult like with him, told him one-on-one i wanted a divorce. i was held prisoner for over a week. it was hell.

Answer 9

I think it is a combination of things. I think the insecurity and embarrassment are a large part of it. But I also think that these husbands brain wash and tear down these women's self esteem to the point that they truly don't believe they can make it without the man, and they no one else would want them.

I think many of these women have low-self esteem to begin with, which is why the abusers choose them and are attracted to them, whether conscious or sub consciously.

I think these are very complicated situations and feelings that go on. Most of us just think "Duh, get the hell out of there!", but for many reasons it is not that easy for these women.

And lets not forget, there are husbands abused by their wives. I believe these men are even less likely to get out of the relationship as a result of embarrassment. There is still the stigma that the man should be in charge and should not the the woman over power him.

Answer 10

The ones that do this, I think a lot of them are afraid of what their husband will do to them if they file for divorce. Others aren't even aware that they're really being abused.

EDIT- also, some women are in love with the man that that person used to be. Most likely he changed from when they got married [for the worst]. She may be in hope that he will return to his old self.