The mansion overlooked a rough sketch of coastline and hard blue water which remained cold as December and crashed as white foam over jagged rocks that waited with stern paitence to punish any would- be swimmers.
Of course you don't have the whole plot, much less a paragraph to read [this is all I can really give without spioling my book] but I for one love my sentence. lol!
2007-08-20 11:43:05 · 7 answers · asked by ***Lena*** 2 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
It's really good, very descriptive.
2007-08-20 11:50:09 · answer #1 · answered by Bet 6 · 5⤊ 1⤋
I think you meant to say "a rough stretch of coastline". I like the basics of your sentence but find it a bit long. How about "The mansion overlooked a rough stretch of coastline overlooking the hard blue water crashing against the jagged rocks below it. The resulting white foam waited with stern patience to punish any would-be swimmers."
I'm quite curious about your book! Good luck :-)
2007-08-20 19:00:23 · answer #2 · answered by ali 2 · 3⤊ 0⤋
You clearly have a beautiful talent for description. I especially like the "rough sketch of coastline."
I would recommend splitting this description into two or more sentences, however. As it is now, it is a run-on sentence and difficult to get through. The hallmark of great writing is simplicity. Simple, clean sentences with clean words that carry meaning but are themselves invisible to the reader.
If you would like an example of legendary talent for beautiful and clean writing, read the first few chapters of The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald. His description of Daisy's house is one of my favorite in all of literature:
"The lawn started at the beach and ran toward the front door for a quarter of a mile, jumping over sun-dials and brick walls and burning gardens -- finally when it reached the house drifting up the side in bright vines as though from the momentum of its run."
Beautiful, isn't it? And so are your descriptions!
Here is one idea for dividing your description into three sentences:
"The mansion overlooked a rough sketch of coastline. The hard blue water was cold as December and as merciless. Its waves crashed white against the jagged rocks, a stern warning to any would-be swimmers."
It's just one option - there are many more, and you can play around with it, if you like. Ultimately, you know best what works for your 'voice' and your story.
Much success and joy to you in your writing!
.
2007-08-20 18:59:08 · answer #3 · answered by Michelle 4 · 3⤊ 0⤋
1)Put a period after December, and start the next sentence with White foan crashed over jagged rocks,
or change the word AND to WHICH.
2)The end part, why do you have crashing waves compared to patience?
3)Does this description carry the plot forward? In other words, does the reader have to know about the coastline to understand what is happening to the characters?
2007-08-20 21:12:27 · answer #4 · answered by nursesr4evr 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Liked it - especially "cold as December" and I think "white foam" goes well with "hard blue water" - maybe all it need is punctuation, right?
All the same, great sentence.
Would you care reading a piece of my writing: read the prologue first. Make sure you read in correct order ; )
link:http://blog.360.yahoo.com/blog-3TmkpeQ8eqLgSkELyFGuJ9Cd;_ylt=AryCAmA_WQpXlXOc4vGPeai0AOJ3
Thanks
2007-08-20 18:50:31 · answer #5 · answered by Marc Hector 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Yup it makes alot of sense and its very well writen!
2007-08-24 14:02:15 · answer #6 · answered by serendus g 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i think its really good. very deep. makes you think.
2007-08-20 18:49:41 · answer #7 · answered by blondie 3 · 2⤊ 1⤋