a poem to read and help with an ending?

Question

today a day like any other day
the sun is shining the children play
suddenly staccato sound of machine gun fire
people run falling getting caught in razorwire

gangster war police shooting people run
somebody shout beware help his got a gun
gangster fire on police children scatter one and all
running for life on the capeflats in the dust they fall

Answer 1

The other replies you've received should tell you where you need to improve. Capitalization, punctuation, spelling...these are all tools for creating poetry. Poetry, far more than prose, relies on the "art" of language. Spelling is so very, very important. For example, if I say that I hid behind the window pain....or that I felt a window's pane...I've intentionally used the wrong to imply a different meaning (it's normally "window pane"). The first means that I'm hiding behind the pain felt by the window, the second means I touched the glass of a window, but imply that I also felt how it felt (that's called a double entendre, or "double meaning"). If I simply use the wrong word, like "I went too the store" (it should have been "to the store"), that's called a malapropism, meaning I used the wrong word. If your name is Tony and I call you Terry, you probably wouldn't like it...words are that way too, they want to be used correctly. Punctuation is like making sure you put your shoes on over your socks, not the other way around, and capitalization means letting us know where a new sentence begins, a new line begins, or a proper name is being used. For example, if I say, "I don't obey dark Midnight's call", it means I've personified 'midnight'; I'm treating midnight as if it were a person...you know this because I've capitalized it. If I say, "man eating shark", do I mean there was a man who was eating a shark, or a shark that is known for eating men? If I meant the latter, I'd have said, "man-eating shark"...that's how important punctuation is at times.

Try writing your poem with the proper spelling of words, punctuation, capitalization, etc. and you'll get more constructive criticism about your poem.

keep writing

Answer 2

First of all does anyone actually read anything on here without checking to see where someone has messed up? A poem is about your feelings not about how perfect it is. And as for the ending I don't think that it needs one. But go with your instinct. And when you are truly done writing then check the spelling and other stuff. I have had poetry published and I have been writing for 14 years and all of my mentors have taught me feelings first then punctuation!! I never once even looked for a mistake. I just read it. And it describes some places in this world perfectly!!

Answer 3

Wow! I must say that some of these other critics are amazingly rude and shallow! I'm an English teacher and I always encourage my kids to write what they feel, and then editing an revising comes later. To anyone reading my post, please understand that when someone posts a poem on here and they are asking for help, that means the poem is in the drafting stage. Therefore, things like punctuation and grammar do not need to be considered yet. Instead of bagging on everyone else's grammar, try looking at the actual heart of the poem and try taking something away from it.

It breaks my heart that no one single post has said what a wonderful and sad poem this is. The subject matter is very dark, and very real....especially to kids who live in the inner cities, or in war torn countries like Iraq. Kudos to your poem! As for your ending, only you can decide what that should be. :D

Answer 4

I love the imagery of the lines : "The universe could fall from space, Gravity could come unlaced" a beautiful theme, the beginning is a little hazy, but overall an honest portrayal of the bond of sister/friends

Answer 5

Poetry suffers more than any other form from spelling errors. Yours need to be spell-checked.

Answer 6

Too lazy to spell-check, capitalize and punctuate?
Too lazy to review your poem.
Post it again when it's art.

Answer 7

a sad scene!
ending? put a comma after "cape flats"