Do you like this poem?

Question

I wrote another poem at work today. TEll me what you think. Any improvements needed? Is it fine the way it is? Be honest.

Untitled

It has taken it's toll on me,
and I don't know why.
You mean more to me than anything else.
Maybe that is why this is so hard on me,
Because I have never been this close to anybody before.
Not seeing your smile hurts me,
But I know seeing me hurts you too.
I know you are just mad and you want to stay best friends.
Should it be over? I don't want it and I don't think it should.
You brighten my day up and I don't want to lose you.
But I can't give up and I will not give up.

Answer 1

it's very romantic

Answer 2

It's more of an admission than a poem, but it's open and honest.

Here's something I wrote that is a little more structured:

Sometimes You Hurt The Ones You Love

I’m sorry, honey
Ain’t it funny how time passes by
Lately I find
I’ve been so blind and I don’t know why

Meant to write you more often than I had
Meant to give you more good times than the bad
Don’t know what I’ve been thinking of....
Sometimes you hurt the ones you love
Sometimes you hurt the ones you love

The road is long
The chain as strong as its weakest link
As I traveled
It all unraveled and I lost my strength

I get it back a little more every day
I need to know we really still are okay
Don’t know what I’ve been thinking of....
Sometimes you hurt the ones you love
Sometimes you hurt the ones you love

Toss the skeleton from the closet
Let’s get it right from the start
There – that wasn’t difficult, was it?
The finished jigsaw puzzle of my heart

Meant to write you more often than I had
Meant to give you more good times than the bad
Don’t know what I’ve been thinking of....
Sometimes you hurt the ones you love
Sometimes you hurt the ones you love

I’m sorry, honey
Ain’t it funny how time passes by

Laughing Dolphin Music 01 October 1992

Answer 3

it is nice to know that you were able to express yoor feelings in a beautiful way. However, you should put in a little more effort and try to make it rhyme. The thing is, although the poem expresses your feelings, it doesn't quite provide the rhythm that a good poem should and people might not get that much impressed with that.

Try to think of words that rhyme; for instance 'why' with 'cry' or me with see. Give in a little more time and effort, and i am certain you can do better!!

Good luck!

Answer 4

there is no rhythm, when a poem doesnt rhym it needs to have a steady rhythm.

you also finish too many lines with the word "me". this doesnt allow for a very good flow.

just my 2 cents tho.

unless you are trying to get published then it doesnt matter b/c you are just writing b/c it helps you feel better.

Answer 5

I think it's pretty good but not as a poem...telling the truth here.
Try making a steady flow so it sounds more like a poem.

Answer 6

i like it because it relates to me.