and we tried to work things out. My family went on vacation for a week and I thought he was going to treat me with me LOVE and RESPECT because we had time for ourselves, my family doesn't want me near him because he physically abused me when we were living together and they hate him for it. well he had been really sweet to me and told me he wanted to cahnge and he was just so romantic and once my fam. left he started acting like and and Ahole with me. I told him I wanted a divorce because he doesn't want to change he called me a ***** and told me that he hoped my mom died and that all my fam. went to hell. Then we talk for a lil and he thinks things are ok he takes back what he said and tells me he didn't mean them and tells me he loves me. wtf, what should I do? I am so confused ... I love him but what makes him think he can just do what ever he wants with me. I take to much crap from him because I am kind hearted and loving because that is just who I am. How can i just no more...
2007-08-20 07:01:01 · 50 answers · asked by WhErE Do I BeGiN??? 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
You cannot choose who you love. Don't worry about not loving someone. Love him. BUT LOVE DOES NOT ALWAYS GO HAND AND HAND WITH RESPECT. If you don't respect him because of the bad things he's doing WHICH YOU SHOULDN'T RESPECT HIM and obviously doesn't respect you - the way he treats you is the key - and he doesnt respect your family or your choices then you need to just say exactly how you feel. Your not confused about how you feel so much as what it will mean as far as the future. You can't know what will happen in the future. Accept it. Tell him how you feel. YOu do love him, but you don't respect him. You happen to be in love with a jerk - a real a******. You'll get over it. You can live your life. You can move on. Marriage between two people is a marriage of love and respect. When people are not mature enough to get married, love isn't the problem - the problem is a lack of respect. The lack of respect is either from a lack of experience or immaturity and/or from someone failing to be a good person/giving person. You have someone who is immature and not selfless. You put your partener first in marriage. He's asking you to put him first by giving him what he wants. If he put you first he would care that you are upset. It's over. Wanting to change isn't changing. If someone is in prison and says they don't want to be a murderer anymore they don't get let out of jail. Desire is not proof. He may truly want to change, but he hasn't yet and he may not have to fortitude to accomplish change. Say its over. Live like its over and whatever happens, happens. Live for you, not for someone who doesn't live for you like he promised too. If he really loves you he can seperate from you, see what he lost, change on his own, come back and prove it to you. You deserve proof. Pain is created quick. Healing takes time. HE has BADLY hurt you. Badly. I'm sorry is the first step in the healing which will take a LONG TIME. Hold him to it. Seperate yourself and learn to love your life again and feel happy on your own. Heal yourself. Let him worry about healing any form of relationship whether you end up on just good terms or friends or back together or not. I'd lean more towards not. He hurt it let him fix it.You deserve better. There's a lot of good men. Go get one. YOu deserve it. This is not your fault. Don't let yourself forget it.
2007-08-20 07:14:46 · answer #1 · answered by DLT 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You need to learn the difference between "loving and kind" and people who let others abuse them. Actually, you would be doing the opposite of a loving and kind person, because by accepting his abuse, you're letting the bad behavior express itself. Don't think you're doing him a favor, it's the opposite. He has a mental illness, and so do you (to a milder extent). You're the battered wife, and he's the abuser, physical and mental. You should get away from him as soon as possible. If he gets help, maybe in a few years he'll be ready for a normal relationship with a woman. Of course, I'd never go back to a person who laid a hand on me. I also hope the two of you don't have any children, because it would be traumatic for them.
You also seem very confused about what a relationship is, you NEED counseling to correct this, and not get involved in this type of abnormal relationships in the future. You can find free services in your community. Time is precious and stops for no one. Don't keep on wasting it.
2007-08-20 07:22:15 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are in a toxic relationship nothing good will come from this.
In fact if you go back it will worse than before and you will be weaker because now you will feel ashamed because everyone told you not to go back.
Gather your strength, gather your clothes, and gather the courage to say no more and leave.
This will not be easy you will need a support system so find a woman's group in your community they can help because they understand how complex it can be to change your life.
I walked out 18 years ago and never went back DO NOT allow anyone to hurt you in any way.
This whole business of hurting you (physical or verbal) then coming back with the tears, flowers saying "I'm sorry you know I love you" is simply to keep you off balance always questioning your self and doubting yourself these are hallmarks of an abuser.
I pray to give you strength and courage to walk away.
2007-08-20 07:23:47 · answer #3 · answered by theladygeorge 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I am really sorry, but you can't change an abuser. His behavior is awful. He does not respect you and unless he decides to get some counseling and make a change he will continue.
This is what abusers do. They beat you down emotinally & physically which makes you feel worthless. Then when they think you are going to leave, they apologize "Baby, I didn't mean it" and all that BS. It is a pattern and they are the only one capable of ending it but that likelihood is very small. You are at risk of being hurt severely; I was there. It just is not worth it!
2007-08-20 07:09:42 · answer #4 · answered by Life is Crazy, so am I 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He is an abuser and he is angry and hurt in the inside and none of it has anything to do with you, it it from his past and until he goes through anger managment and learn how to treat a woman with respect and how to diffuse from his anger, he will treat you worst and worst and worst and the beatings will get worst and worst and worst. Your family is right - leave the bastard a lone and move on, get your divorce and make sure that you have a police protection order to make sure that he stays away from you and your family. You will be able to find someone else and someone that is better to you and for you - get away from the punk and make sure that you don't fall for that I am sorry, teary eye, crocodile bull!@it that he will pull just to win you back and when you come back he will tear you a new ahole. Keep away the signs are telling warning, warning, warning, this is dangerous, dangerous, liable to explode at any minute. DIVORCE HIM and MOVE ON and STAY AWAY FROM HIM no phone calls no nothing.
2007-08-20 07:07:31 · answer #5 · answered by justaboutpeace 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You deserve and are worth more then what he is currently giving you. No one deserves to me in an abusive relationship. He obviously hasn't changed because he is still showing you his anger and abusive side and you aren't even back together. If you really want to try to make it work then I would suggest that you set some ground rules with him that he has to follow 100%. He needs anger management classes to start with. I would also suggest that you both go to counceling - both marriage counceling and individual so that you can work on things. If he doesn't want to do these things then he doesn't want to and isn't going to change and you should seek a divorce before things get any worse. It isn't a good environment for you.
2007-08-20 07:10:33 · answer #6 · answered by Mommy in NY 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Please listen to this answer if you never listen to anyone else!
Run do not walk, but RUN RUN RUN!! Once a man puts his hands on you, it will NEVER stop and he will NEVER CHANGE, no matter how much you love him or how many promises he makes you, or if you think part of the problem is your fault, or if you are sweet and nice to him, or you don't think you'll ever love again, or if you have children, or you don't want to disapoint your parents, or you need his money, or you don't want to start over again or the most important one, YOU DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE, or his sex is the best on earth-----RUN! Take it from a person that has been there you can love him to death but noticed I did say to DEATH, you have to save YOUR LIFE and the only way to do that is to run as far away from him as you can, because believe me it never will get any better only worse, and the longer you stay in this relationship you might even start to thinking you deserve this horrible treatment and never get out,so I employ you to listen to that small inner voice that tells you self preservation is the first choice in nature. HE WON'T CHANGE!!
2007-08-20 07:19:09 · answer #7 · answered by peachiepie 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your story is a replica of the one I am also living. Currently I am taking the legal steps to go through a divorce. Constant belittling and degrading of you and your family. All the while your self-worth and self-esteem continue to diminish when all you want is a loving relationship with your husband. If he won't change then you must for your health and well being. Respect yourself and go see a divorce attorney. They have all the information and recommendations for you. They most likely will recommend that you also go for counseling, (believe me this is to your benefit). Don't be afraid. Your first steps will be hardest. Good luck in your wonderful fulfilling future.
2007-08-20 07:21:25 · answer #8 · answered by lanabee 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
There is a huge difference between being kind-hearted and being a doormat. You're allowing yourself to be a punching bag for an abusive, cruel person.
He will not change EVER. The reason your family hates him is because they recognize this in him and because they love you. The reason he's nicer when they're around is because he knows they won't take his crap. Then he turns into a jerk because you keep accepting his abuse.
You need to get away from him and file for divorce now. Then you should consider personal therapy to help resolve your self-esteem issues and to help repair the damage this unhealthy relationship has caused. Quit wasting your life with losers and start living!
2007-08-20 07:07:55 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
He treats you like that because you allow him to treat you like that. It always seems that abusive men somehow find women who allow themselves to be abused. You're not really as kind hearted and loving as you want to believe. You're just need to be in a hectic relationship. What sane woman would EVER take back a guy who has abused her. Yet you did because he sweet talks to you at times and says he's sorry. Awwww how sweet, until he punches you in the face again. You'll never see the light. You'll always be with an abusive guy because that's obviously what you want.
2007-08-20 07:09:22 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋