Why do friends seem to disappear after they are married?

Question

I've noticed this happens to both genders. A close friend marries and then he/she disappears. I can understand married people will spend more time on their spouses, family but a simple email doesn't take much time. Not all married people disappear, but it seems to happen more often than not.

I'm not married myself, but a friend lost contact a year ago (shortly after he married). Just recently, a friend (married for 2 years) went silent.

These are some great responses by the Y!A community so far!

Oh, and I had some similar interests with those who were married which didn't rely on them being single....(such as investing, politics, cars, sports).

Answer 1

Oh I've wondered the same thing for years... stil haven't got an answer..... but I've seen some of those friends come back to you with their tail between their legs when they have problems or they split with their husbands, then they DO remember about you and want to be close to you and yada yada...... Why weren't they good friends in the first place and stayed around you when things were OK!?? That's selfish and I hate ppl who do that..... they're not true friends, just acquaintances and thus I treat them as such. True friendships shouldn't have to suffer just because one of the parties (or both) got married.... you can always make a little space for those people you really love!

Answer 2

Well, I can't speak for anyone else, but let me tell you my own experience. When I first got married, I was 18, and living with my in laws. The lifestyle there was crazy. People were always over and I literally had no time to sit down and breathe. Everytime I sat down, there would be something else to do. It was such a big transition from single life to married life. I didn't contact my friends for about a month after I got married. Not becuase I didn't want to, but because it was so difficult to find the time. It was a really hard time for me and I needed to think things through. However, I put effort into keeping contact with all of my girlsfriends later on, but they didn't appreciate it and they backstabbed me in ways that you would never even imagine. In my situation, I learned who my true friends were. Anyways, the point I was trying to make it, when you're newly wed that you want to spend time with your new husband/wife. If you have a newly married friend who you haven't spoken to in a while, give her time to settle into her new life, and then give her a call to say hello and see how she's doing.

Answer 3

...my opinion (and it's happened to me recently and more than once). Some people use friendships like a board game. You get a board game...it's new and fun and it involves other people. Then one day they get tired of it (or get married in this case) and put the game away. But soon enough they will want to pull that game out again sometime and play but pieces (friendships) are broken.
In other words, friends think they can ditch everyone they knew before they got married and then realize what friendship really means. They they crawl back thinking everything will be the same...right where they left off, but it's not.
Sounds a little confusing but that's how I like to explain it.
I know what you mean though, I had 3 friends get married and I lost 3 friends...
I hope this helps a little bit but I don't think there is a definite answer why.

Answer 4

There is conventional wisdom that says married couples should have other married couples for friends.

But this happens with more than just marriages. My ex had a girl friend that would ignore her, more or less, anytime the gf met a new guy. You can keep the communication open with an e-mail from your end (unless they aren't sending responses, either). American Greetings might have an e-card that says "I miss you" on their site that you could send.

Beyond that, maybe you just have to let it go. It shouldn't take too much time out of someone's schedule to have coffee or lunch together. I don't have any idea why this seems to happen - it's possible you just notice it more when it does, I suppose - but you're right, it shouldn't have to.

Answer 5

I was one of the ones who "disappeared". Now, I can't speak for all married people, but I'm not a very social person to begin with, and I really don't have much craving or need for socializing outside my family. When I was single, my friends were kind of like substitutes for family (my immediate family lives in a different country); but since I've been with my husband, I get most of the socializing I need just by being with him. Yes, an e-mail doesn't take much time - but an e-mail once a month will also do nothing to sustain a friendship. If you don't actively nurture your relationships, they naturally fall into the state of "disrepair". I keep in touch with my old friends, but we don't see each other nearly as often, and I can see that our paths are diverging.

Answer 6

Hello!
I'm sorry to hear that you have lsot a close friend because of marriage. I do agree that when you are married that you can't do the same things you did when you were single but you if it's a true friendship, it would withstand a marriage and anything else. I know that people can become engrossed in their new lives and forget about some of their friends for a time. You may want to give her a ring and let her know how you feel. I hope that you can rekindle your friendship. I wish you the best of luck!!

Answer 7

I kind of had the opposite experience. I got married and then all my single friends abandoned me. The just stopped coming by and stopped calling until the point where I just lost contact with them. I don't know if they felt like a third wheel or what. I think one was jealous.
It hurt my feelings, but I soon learned that it just opened up doors to new friendships. I have tons of friends now, both married and single.
I think it all boils down to having less in common once the other person is married.

Answer 8

Married people disappear for the same reason your friends in HS or College disappear. They now have new lives and things going on. My best friend and I were so close we went to Jr HS, HS and even our first 3 yrs of College together. We married she moved away we kept in contact with letters and phone calls. She moved back both of us divorced, she then took a new job got new friends and again it was mostly IM's and emails and occassionally shopping or going somewhere. I remarried and now have a new baby and a husband and frankly when my husband is home we have to spend time together. She's still my best friend always will be. But new life=new friends=new adventures.

Answer 9

When people get married, they are starting a life together. Before that, they didn't have to think about sharing everything they own. Now they have to plan for their future together, meet more family and possibly start a family. All this takes time and energy. That leave less time and energy to do some of the things they used to do when not married.

Answer 10

I am married and have been told i do this as well. My reason is my friends are single and there are just different interests now. I don't want to go to the bars or get drunk. i really don't care to hear about your last romp in the sheets with a one night stand. Between housework, running my own company, running a dog kennel, and spending time with my husband i just don't have time for friends. and yes if i could just write an e-mail to say hey miss you and not get sucked into two hours of gossip than i would call more.