my mother in law is very needy of my husband. She has been out of state for the past 2 months. In that time my husband and I have been able to get a long perfefctly fine. She visits us 3 times a week, she also comes over on the weekend. I've told my husband that I don't want her here all the time, but he says that's my mother. She's been married for over fifty years to my husband's father(an alcoholic)so my husband feels the need to make up for his dad's pathethic situation. She has 2 homes out of state but chooses to stay in california were she has no home so my husband and his 4 married brothers have to scramble around. She relies on my husband for everything, i feel like my husband has 2 wives. One of the sister in laws asked her to stop coming over so much and her response was that she could come as many times as she wants because that is her sons house. What should I do? My husband and I have 2 children together and get a long most of the time, unless it's about her. help
2007-08-20 06:14:52 · 16 answers · asked by Rosie_M 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I was talking to one of the sister in laws 2 days ago and she said I must have it tough because she knows that my husband is her favorite.
2007-08-20 06:16:32 · update #1
I didn't know she would be a fixture in our home. When I was dating my husband she never came over or called. She infact stayed out of state for the longest. She came in after we got together, and as far as the inlaws only one told me I would have problems but she was just too nasty in describing her so I felt at that time she was being very unfair and nasty. Keep in mind only one warned me.
2007-08-20 06:35:13 · update #2
hi hon...
i can't think of a good way to tell your mother in law to get lost...
but you do have choices -- when she comes over, just go about your life as if she's not there.. if you have projects or hobbies, work on those. if you have plans to go to lunch with a friend, or out shopping, go do it! if you feel like running the vacuum, then go do that also.
just because she is there, doesn't mean you have to entertain her, or stop everything else.
she seems more like a fixture than a vistor. you work around your furniture and other "obsticles" in your home, so just work around her, too.
don't discuss this with your husband anymore -- especially since you said it causes problems. do what you can to avoid her. you don't have to be mean, but you can be "unavailable"
your husband had the same mother BEFORE you got married, so i'm sure you must have known what you might be up against.. but you married him anyway.
i wish you all the best, that's for sure!
2007-08-20 06:30:08 · answer #1 · answered by letterstoheather 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Why not consider moving to another state, or telling your hubby that she needs to sell one of her other houses to buy one in California so things aren't so tough for everyone.
She's always going to be his mother, no matter how annoying it can be for you. Suggest that some boundaries be put around her presence.
For issues that you find difficult, you should write down what you feel is reasonable, and have him do the same. Then it's just a matter of meeting in the middle. (EX: he thinks 3 days a week for her to stop by is fine, you think 1 is okay. Settle on 2. You've got an extra day of peace and your husband sees you as being more understanding)
Maybe if he sees you want one thing but are willing to compromise, he might be more open to setting ground rules for his mom.
2007-08-20 06:21:46 · answer #2 · answered by I_Hate_Stupidity 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
This is a tough one. I guess you really need to sit your husband down first and tell him how much this is bothering you and between the two of you try to work out something that works for all involved. Then after you two have worked out a solution. I would invite her over and explain to her what you want to do. Let her know you and her son loves her and do not want to exclude her out of His life. But that you just need some time to be a family together. I would in no way demand anything out of your husband, because men just do not want to be stuck between there wife's and mothers. This would be very miserable for him.
2007-08-20 06:28:20 · answer #3 · answered by regina 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Perhaps you need to point out to your husband that when you married you started your own family. That family comes first. Let him know that you don't mind her visiting once in awhile when he is there, but that your family needs their time without her as well.
Let him know that if she is so unhappy with his father then she needs to be forced to deal with her home life instead of running to her children to hide from it.
Also remind him that she is not your child either and you did not take her to raise. You have enough to deal with with the kids and that you don't appreciate HIM letting her drive a wedge between the two of you. He has to come to a compromise with you so you both can be happy. "Let no man put assunder what God has joined together".
2007-08-20 06:52:59 · answer #4 · answered by az_mommma 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It takes a really strong man to stand up to his mother, and to admit to himself that his own mother may be the cause of trouble in his own home. You can talk till you're blue in the face about this issue with him....if you can actually get through to him it may get better for a little bit, but it will more than likely revert right back to before. You need to do some serious soul searching. It won't be easy, and I feel for you. Been there...done that, and am happily divorced now. My ex mother-in-law was a big problem in our marriage...so much so that before getting both sides of something he would listen to her first and then attack me. It's no way to live. Good Luck!
2007-08-20 06:51:02 · answer #5 · answered by bulldogclover75 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Seriously sit down and talk with your husband and tell him I married you not your mother. She is only allow to come over once a week, if she needs to see him for anything else for him to go to her house. Your husband does not have to make up to his pathetic alcoholic father, she choose to stay married to him thats her problem. Lady put your foot down. You tell your husband either he does something about it or get out and go live with his mother.
2007-08-20 06:43:53 · answer #6 · answered by beliz 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sit your husband down and seriously tell him how you feel. Ask him if he would like to feel as if his feeling didn't matter to you and if he would want to feel as if you were also married to your parents as well as him? Put him in your shoes. Walk him around in them step by step so he HAS to see what you are going through. Tell him that his mother was not included in your wedding vows to him, just his vows didn't include your parents. After you tell him how you feel about something reverse the role and let him know that he wouldn't want that to happen to him, so why should you have to go through it? And let him know that you mean no disrespect to him or his mother, you just want what any other wife wants, a husband of her own, not her mother in-law!
2007-08-20 06:24:13 · answer #7 · answered by Snow 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I'm all for family bonding, but NOT "bonding with boundries". I think it's unreasonable for your husbands mother to come over that often. You husband appears to be ok with it because she's his mother, but you're not ok with it and your his wife. Time for compromise. And this compromise has to come from your husband in the form of balanced visits from his mother. I'm sure he feels sorry for his mom's situation... heck, I do too... She's needy and clinging to her sons, (not normal... not healthy) BUT, your husband cannot sacrifice his marriage and family life for pitied mom. He needs to set up boundries and set down the law. Good luck!
2007-08-20 07:49:09 · answer #8 · answered by Teresa Mother 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The only person with the problem here, is you - you married the man, knowing he had a mother that he felt responsible for - when you said "I DO" you took the package deal...it isn't going to change. Stop fighting him about it.
Take advantage of her being there - have her watch the kids while you run errands, spend time with a friend, or get out for an evening,, or even a weekend getawayt with your husband.
2007-08-20 06:21:51 · answer #9 · answered by allrightythen 7 · 1⤊ 3⤋
yeah you have a serious problem, that's why you will have to get her to the side without your husband and make her understand that she causing problems in your marriage, or everyone get together and hook her up with a man that's going to take up all of her time cause it sounds to me she has no life other than you and your husband
2007-08-20 06:29:27 · answer #10 · answered by mary j 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋