How do I stop my soon to be ex-wife from getting to me?

Question

My wife took off her wedding ring over 3 weeks ago and told me that she is getting a divorce. We would have been married two years on August 28th. For the entire marriage her younger sister lived with us. This caused problems between my wife and I and also caused me depression. It got to the point that I would tell my wife that I would divorce her and I would drink all the time to get out of the house. She went home to see her family July 4th, right after a huge fight. I did not call her the whole week she was gone. She came back acted 180 degrees different. I tried my hardest, but I couldnt get over the fact that she couldnt put 100% into the relationship. I have been a mess for the past 3 weeks. I constanly tell her I love her and I am going to counseling for myself to clear up who I am. I ask her to go to counseling with me, but she tells me it is too late. We still have been living together and she wants me to move out. Why should I move when she is leaving me?

We moved to Phoenix for my job in Novmeber. We have about a 6 month lease left. She works from home and all of her friends unfortunitly are my friends. She used her sister as a crutch for so long. We have been staying in separate beds. On Sat. night we both got drunk at a friends house and had sex. I dont know why she did this if all she tells me is that she doesnt trust me and acts disgusted when I even brush her arm.

Also she never drank at all, she would sit in the house and watch TV while I would sit at the pool with my buddies from the apartment. Now she is never home, drinks with my buddies. I see her everywhere now and it causes lots of public fights. I dont want to move out of the apartment complex because I have alot of solid friends their. Its almost like she is taking over everything in my life. I just want her back. I know its not going to happen so I really want closure. We have been staying in the apartment together after our split because of money. She can not afford to stay there without my support. She wants me to move in with a buddy in the next apartment building and contiunue to pay rent.

Answer 1

first of all,if she doesnt want to try to save the marriage,then there really is nothing you can do. both of you have to be willing to save it or else nothing you do will work. sounds like she has already made up her mind ,so try to accept it and move on. i know its hard,but you cant continue to live this way.you will only cause yourself to go into deeper depression or become an alcoholic.you will be hurt by her decisions,but dont throw your life away over it.as for her wanting you to move out.......well maybe she wants the easy way out of the marriage.meaning she wants all the belongings and not have to find a place to go. this is probably why she wants you out. if you feel that you shouldnt leave,then dont.maybe she and her sister will get up and leave.if you havent done anything wrong,then dont allow her to treat you as if you have. i think i would personally get up and leave myself only because i would avoid lots of other drama that comes along with a marriage that isnt going to work and a woman who is determoned to get it her way.i wish you lots of luck and i hope you will get through this without anymore hurt.any breakup is painful,but the pain doesnt last forever.

Answer 2

Well, It sounds like she likes to have the control in the relationship when it should in fact be a fifty fifty coop. I let my husband have his brother live with us when we got married but thank goodness he moved out after a couple of months. A couple needs time together. She should have had more respect for you feelings and so should her sister. A tempoorary stay until she gets on her feet should suffice not two years.

She gets to you becasue she knows sh can. I don't care if she throws a chair at her...ignore her. That will definately get to her. You derserve an apology, and she needs to quit controlling you. That's not love.

As for your home. Who is paying the rent/ mortgage? That's who should stay. You need a good lawyer and to find someone who loves you for you and not loves because she has power over you and your emotions.

I have extended family in your position but they have children. I still wonder how her husband puts up with her crap that way. He pays the bills, works weeks on end and when he comes home to her (exausted), the kids and sister-in law she commands his every move. Go Go GO and clean clean clean. He loves her but he must be a glutton for punishment.
Don't be like that...Take control of your life. You do have a say.
Just for the record. Don't let acohol supplement your frustrations it will lead to a bigger problem. Instead just leave and go to a friends, family, the gym or find someone to talk to and get it off your chest.

Answer 3

As part of the divorce, you'll split the marital assets. Chances are, she'll have to sell the house because she cannot keep it herself. In most states, two years isn't sufficiently long for a wife to win alimony from a husband if you have no children, but I bet she's banking on you having to pay her so she can keep up the "lifestyle" she thinks she deserves.

We should talk. I never drank, and I never asked for the divorce...that was how she ended every fight,, but I know where you're at, and I'd like to help.

As for why should you move: things didn't start resolving until I moved out of state. Yeah, I went a bit overboard and joined the Army, but it got me away, kept me busy, and eventually the ties were severed. Like it or not, theirs no way to be truly civil with an ex, so it's best if you put her out of your life and move on.

drop me a message

Answer 4

You are clearly making the all the right efforts here by going to counseling and letting her know that you love her. She needs to see a good marriage counselor right along with you.
Please consult an attorney though if you want the marriage to continue. You need advice on whether or not to leave the house since she wants the divorce.

Answer 5

Looks as if this has gone too far and you seem to have done all you can to heal the rifts. Just accept that you can't always win and gently back off. Perhaps she should return home and find her sister, they seem to be inseparable. Looking carefully again at your letter, perhaps she was not mature enough to make a full commitment in the first place. If the house is yours don't move out, but if the house is jointly owned, she should have her share of it in cash after the sale of the property.

Answer 6

This is one of those relationships where the longer it goes on, the worse it gets! You will feel an amazing sense of relief when this is all over. So how do you get to that point? As quickly and painlessly as possible! If you bicker back and forth over trivial crap, it's only going to prolong the misery. Let it go. Let it all go. Start over. Funny how after this marriage, you have to see a counselor to clear up who you are. Do yourself a favor and make it easy on yourself. If it gets her out of your life (so that you can actually have one) quicker and easier to just let her stay in the house, then do it. I promise you the sooner you are away from all this negativity, the sooner you can get your life back and find yourself. Good luck.

Answer 7

I'd say if she insists so much on the divorce, to let the courts do their thing. Do the 50/50 split and sell the house. She'll have to go through finding a new home same as you will. This way it's fair to both of you.
She should have been willing to go to councelling, but since she's that far disconnected, you're better off keeping her out of your head.
Best of luck

Answer 8

k this is one of the hardest things someone has to go through. it sounds like the relationship was rocky from the begining when you two got married with someone living with you right away. it also sounds like she has come to a time in her life that she feels like she doesnt need you in it nor want you. sorry its harsh but the sooner you come to terms with it the sooner you can take care of yourself. normally the guy leaves even when she wants a divorce. if you aren't wanting to move out dont and let that part be settled with the lawyers.
dont let it get to you though guy it happens to a lot of people and none of us can say what it is that you need to hear for the pain to go away but if you are already out in counseling keep going. that and remember it isnt you its her being stupid, but the drinking doesnt really help either.
what ever may come of this keep your head up and smile.

Answer 9

Well u can't hold on to someone that don't want to be there i say let it go.. as for moving out who was living there first that person should keep the house or apartment. but if both of ur names r on the lease then u don't have to move until the lease is over

Answer 10

Tell her if she's leaving..that means SHE is leaving..not you. Unfortunately, I think you have to face facts that the marriage really IS over. It's a hard thing to wrap yourself around..but you'll be better off when you do. I would still go to counseling if I were you to help you though this whole process. You can't be sad over what you WISHED your marriage could have been, be sad over what it truly was. Good luck.