must i feel guilty?

Question

i am in love to my husbands friend.
the 3 of us were in the same university.
this is 20 years ago,i am 39 now and have 3 kids.
this man i was in love with him befor my marrage,and when his friend told him that he wants to propose to this girl ,he said nothing to him.our love was inside us with only eyes ,we were feeling it but without one word about this love.
when i found his friend asking me for marriage and my real love has gone after university i accepted.
all these years i cant forget him for one day,and when i see him i feel very happy with my kids and also my husband.
all these years we were playing together ,and spending the week ends together as two famillies,by the way his wife also my friend and he has 3 kids also.
from 5 months ,we started messages with our selfphones,and ended with emails.
all this without any tuch ,only talking,and from this talk we knew that we are loving each other for 20 years.so must i feel guilty for just writting emails?

Answer 1

Hi! Don't get me wrong here but honestly if I were in your situation, I would really feel guilty and sad at the same time.

Guilty especially if you have a loving husband who had no idea of how you really feel towards his friend. This may hurt but you are cheating on your husband. Even if there is no physical contact with this other guy, you are definitely having an emotional affair with him. Sad because you love someone else and you can't be with him because it is unforbidden.

I really think that you should make yourself decide on what you really want. Think about your husband and your kids. You have to choose to let go of this other guy. Analyze things and make a decision because if you don't, you will be this way forever, living 2 lives.

Answer 2

No point in feeling guilty - that won't solve anything. 39? Really? I'd have thought you were a teenager. Your mind is young.
You need to step back and look at the past years. Let them unravel like a film in your mind. Happy happy happy ... what changed? Kids don't need you so much anymore? Hubbie is boring and takes you for granted? Sex life is too safe and predictable? Feel you have done your duty as wife and mother and now want to have some fun again, because you need the attention and worry it might be too late after 40?
I'm serious. You need to understand what is happening in your life now and the reasons behind it.
Most women go through this kind of romantic fantasy and need for passion at about your age. And it usually is someone they were involved with at a freer age that is the object of their desire. I think it is true for some men too.
There is no harm in flirtation if that makes you feel more alive. You might even consider an affair, but with so much to lose (kids etc.) you need to be upfront with your husband about it. He is your partner after all, legally and emotionally. If you were partners in a business, think how any underhand action would be very damaging and horrible if done behind your partner's back, especially as you profit and he doesn't. Why should marriage be different?
You need to work out your reasons for feeling the way you do (forget the guilt thing, be analytical and objective.) Once you understand yourself you can see where to go next and what to do. As a University graduate, it shouldn't be too hard for you surely?
You can talk to your husband about your true feelings and where they are coming from, once you know them yourself.
The you can decide to wife-swap, lead independant sex lives but remain a couple, separate, divorce, or have a foursome.
Or you can keep on e-mailing and getting a kick out of being naughty until the whole thing starts to bore you.
Whatever, just don't waste time feeling guilty. You're forgetting you can end all this now if you really want to.
Sounds like a sad case of middle-age crisis. Take up something that makes you feel good for a while - learn a new language, a new sport, or study a correspondence course. It will boost your self-confidence and then you won't have to rely on men to do that for you.

Answer 3

No I don't think you should feel guilty about what you have done to this point. Neither of you truly knew of each others feelings for each other until recently, you did nothing wrong.

However now you both have a decision to make, either you stop and get on with your lives with your current partners being each others friend and nothing more.

Or

You get honest, you both tell your partners honestly what has been going on, and you try to make a life together.

Do not head into an affair that will only cause heartache in the long run.

Answer 4

Just do it and get it out of your systems. Let it all out and have a good time. Holding off on the what if's can only get worst specially now that it's 20 years and counting. There's an itch that needs to get scratched here. You have never touched each other yet you two think there is something. Then touch and verify that feeling. If it turns out to be true, don't worry about the current relationships or kids... they will get over it. It it's a dissapointment, then you'll just both go back to your current relationships and pretend that it never happened.

Answer 5

Yes- you could wreck two homes and 6childrens lives- you chose the paths you are now on so stay with what you have- the grass is not greener- The guilt you feel now will be nothing to what you will feel if this goes further- believe me you have no idea of the pain it causes to everyone concerned. Your love for each other will then be forever tarnished and leave a bitter taste because you have betrayed your partners and your kids- don't do that to them- they deserve better.
P.S. Its cell phones-not self phones.

Answer 6

How would it make u feel if your husband felt the same way about another women? in a sense it is still cheating although your not actually doing anything because of your feelings. However you haven't actually done anything and couldn't have anticipated this happening when marring your husband, and you can't help your feelings, you can't choose to feel that way so for those reasons i believe you shouldn't feel guilty.

Answer 7

I understand what you are saying...I have somewhat of a similar situation...not exactly... but somewhat similar. And I feel horribly guilty, but at the same time the feelings I feel for the man that I have feelings for feel right. We too just talk on the phone and haven't seen each other in years.

Answer 8

why would you marry someone you don't love??what you are doing with your friend is playing a dangerous game that you know will end up hurting so many people,including children who count on the adults around them to guide them through life and teach them how to be stellar people in this world.Instead you will introduce them to adultery and lies.How's that sound ????.

Answer 9

Doing spend time on guilt but stop NOW

Answer 10

Most idiots dont realize they married the wrong person till they are 30 and have kids already....