hi, i have been married to my husband for 6 years, and we have a 5 year old son together. for the past year or so i have been so unhappy with him. i want to leave him badly, he has a bad temper wich he will cuss anyone out, or worse sometimes get physical with anyone it could be some joe walkign down the street. i am so tired of this temper. he trie to control me, it's ok if he goes out with his guy friends, but i can't go out with not even one girlfriend. i hate walking on eggshells, and i know my son is fearful of his father. he loves him, but what kind of man curses at a 5 year old? would it be wrong to leave this man? i dont want my child to be like him, he is a lazy lump!
2007-08-20 04:49:49 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
he has done anger managment, and that **** dont work! so if leave my only option is to go out of state with my son. can i legeally do that? JUST TAKE OFF AND GO?
2007-08-20 05:15:41 · update #1
Leave him NOW! He sounds like a horrible husband and an even WORSE role model for your son to be around. But you have to be SMART about leaving. You can't just up and leave one day without thinking ahead of time about your PLAN. Think about money, where you'll stay, how you'll keep him from getting in your way or preventing you from leaving. A surprise is best - make your plan in your mind, wait til he leaves the house then pack some things quickly and leave. You don't want to try and leave while he's there or he may get physical with you. Also, you need to think about money AHEAD of time. That's why the surprise tactic is best. If he's surprised by it, he can't go and drain your bank account so you have no funds to live on.
2007-08-20 04:56:10 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 1⤋
you're not being selfish at all. I think you should definitely leave him... the control and anger things are just not ok.
Some people say counseling, but that **** doesnt always work. YOU cannot change anyone, and you cannot help those who dont want to be helped either.
Its good for you to get your baby out of this mess. neither of you deserve it.
EDIT: it depends on where you live... I didnt think the anger management would work... which is why I too said that **** dont work. Sadly he has rights as a parent... you cannot just take his son and disappear without his consent. That will deem you a kidnapper and the courts will likely grant him custody and you visitation, with supervision. Most states and courts are anti-woman pro father... if there is abuse you have to have documented proof... your own claims will not suffice, sadly.
People always blame the victim (what did you do to make him this way? why did you stay so long? you need to be a better wife, better lover) its all bullshi*! You cannot do anything to stop him, other than seeking out a restraining order, which will provoke him, and going through the courts. Try to hire a lawyer honey and see what is available for you.
The way the system is designed, its more likely that women are beaten and killed by abusive spouses than they're saved from them... I absolutely hate the way it is set up now, and I'm going to law school, to become an attorney, and help ease this reality.
I hope everything works out for you and your son.
2007-08-20 04:57:51 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
You need to leave. Your son doesn't need to grow up thinking that is how men are supposed to act. You would be doing him a favor getting him away from the abuse. You would also be doing yourself a favor...life is too short to be so unhappy.
And another thing, If some of you people have never lived this situation, it is not fair to make it her fault.
Men DO sometimes change after they marry (GREG) they feel they have ownership. Counseling does not usually work when a man has anger issues...it usually makes him angry!
Even restraining orders are a waste...by the time the police are called, someone could be injured or even dead. Angry men are dangerous...that is why women are afraid to leave. They understand he will try to find them. If you haven't lived it, don't pass judgments!
2007-08-20 05:28:11 · answer #3 · answered by Bev 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It definitely begs the question "if he hasn't been this way in the past, why is he now?". If he's open minded and willing to even listen to you, you could offer to go the counseling route.
If he might only be more abusive if you suggested that or just isn't willing to listen, I guess it's time for you to move on. The last thing you'd want is for your child to be affected.
You can try talking to him in a more public setting like a restaurant or a park where you guys can sit and discuss your concerns. But, I'm usually the last to say "dump him". In your case, I'm afraid, that seems like a real alternative. Hope things work out okay for you. Good luck darling :-)
2007-08-20 05:00:38 · answer #4 · answered by this_big_one_is_4u 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
When a five year old is involved you are not being selfish. You have to do everything you can as a mother to protect your son. GET OUT - but do it SMART! Make sure you weigh all the possibilities. "Legally" may be out of the question after you have discribed your "monster husband", but in the end it is the best way because you are never going to feel like you are on the run for the rest of your life.I feel sorry for you and I hope you have someone trustworthy who can help you.
2007-08-20 05:40:27 · answer #5 · answered by BillyBee 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Having grown up with a mother who acts a lot like your husband, I have to say, it has caused me no end of problems in my life having grown up around here. For the sake of your sanity and your son's future, I would first protect your son best that you can, ask your husband to seek counselling with you or alone, and if he will not do that, I would leave. This is not a problem you want to subject you and your child to.
2007-08-20 05:03:37 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You cannot change him, you can only change yourself. You are not being selfish for wanting a loving husband and father for your son.
Do you feel like you have done everything possible to save your marriage? If so, maybe it is time to separate for a little while and see what happens. That may be the wake up call he needs.
2007-08-20 04:56:53 · answer #7 · answered by *New Mommy* 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Ok Scared and Tired of a Lump, from what I have heard from what you've written you have good cause to seperate from your husband of 6 years. Let's look at what the bible says:
Is There Hope for Batterers?
Spouse abuse is a brazen violation of Bible principles. At Ephesians 4:29, 31, we read: “Let a rotten saying not proceed out of your mouth . . . Let all malicious bitterness and anger and wrath and screaming and abusive speech be taken away from you along with all badness.”
Can violent men change their behavior? Some have. Usually, however, a batterer will not change unless he (1) admits that his conduct is improper, (2) wants to change his course, and (3) seeks help.
Information about Seperation
Those words acknowledge that among imperfect humans a mate sometimes decides to leave. For example, Paul said that if a mate departed, both parties were to “remain unmarried.” Why? Well, the mate departed, but the two continued bound to each other in God’s eyes. Paul could say this because Jesus had set out the standard for Christian marriage: “Whoever divorces his wife, except on the ground of fornication [Greek, por‧nei′a], and marries another commits adultery.” (Matthew 19:9) Yes, the only basis for divorce that Scripturally ends a marriage is “fornication,” that is, sexual immorality. Evidently, in the case Paul referred to, neither mate had been immoral, so when the husband or wife departed, the marriage did not end in God’s sight.
Grounds for Divorce
Mal. 2:15, 16: “‘You people must guard yourselves respecting your spirit, and with the wife of your youth may no one deal treacherously. For he has hated a divorcing,’ Jehovah the God of Israel has said.”
Matt. 19:8, 9: “[Jesus] said to them: ‘Moses, out of regard for your hardheartedness, made the concession to you of divorcing your wives, but such has not been the case from the beginning. I say to you that whoever divorces his wife, except on the ground of fornication [extramarital intercourse], and marries another commits adultery.’” (So the innocent mate is permitted, but not required, to divorce a mate who commits “fornication.”)
Rom. 7:2, 3: “A married woman is bound by law to her husband while he is alive; but if her husband dies, she is discharged from the law of her husband. So, then, while her husband is living, she would be styled an adulteress if she became another man’s. But if her husband dies, she is free from his law, so that she is not an adulteress if she becomes another man’s.” (This does not mean to kill your husband so you can remarry. Am I saying you would do that, no, but since I don't know you or anyone personally and since there is crazy people in the world, I just wanted to say murder is not an option.)
Do You Need a Marriage Counselor? Only you can decide that.
What Is Marriage Counseling?
Marriage counseling is, according to the Michigan, U.S.A., board that certifies marriage counselors, “guidance, testing, discussions, therapy, instruction, or the giving of advice, the principal purpose of which is to avoid, eliminate, relieve, manage or resolve marital conflicts or discord, or create, improve, or restore marital harmony.”
Which counselor do you choose?
You have to decide which counselor you will choose and if you even want to go to counseloring. My best advice is get a bible study going by going to web site below and learning about Jehovah God the only true God. (psalms83:18)
If you would like the book " The Secret of Family Happiness or you would like a bible study go to www.watchtower.org for more information.
Just to give you some advice: You need to think about what made you marry your husband in the first place. Did your husband always act the same way he's acting now in the beginning and if yes you need to ask yourself why did I marry him? Talk to him and explain that if he does not change then you will have to do what is best for you and your son. (you decide what is best)
Don't worry about being alone for the rest of your life either, because what man do you know that will stay single forever or not have sex eventually. None, sooner or later if he sees your not coming back he will commit fornication and you can then divorce him.
WARNING: If you decide to leave him do not tell him first. You get you and your sons belongings and just leave without him knowing because he could get angry and only you know what happens when he gets angry. Good luck
Truth
2007-08-20 06:50:47 · answer #8 · answered by justsayyes32 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I have to agree with Jen...sounds like getting out now would be the best for you and your sons safety! Cussing out a 5 yr old is never okay ! He definetly has some serious issues to work on...contact a lawyer now. Your baby should'nt have to grow up being afraid of anyone in his home ! Good luck
2007-08-20 04:57:59 · answer #9 · answered by aknana 2 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Sweetheart you need to leave and you need to do it fast. Your son will either turn out just like him, or end up hating him. Get away from him for awhile, tell him whats going on, and ask him to go to anger managment classes. If he doesn't want to do so, then when you file for a divorce ask the judge to mandate it since you have a child. If he will go to classes and you two want to work it out some mariage counceling might help.
2007-08-20 04:56:47 · answer #10 · answered by sarah_aka_fey 1 · 1⤊ 1⤋