My teacher doesn't like what I wrote.....do you?

Question

Here is a rough, rough, copy to what I showed her... It is not finished yet.. The assignment was Narrative Voice Attitude.

One girl stood out from all of the others as she walked down the crowded halls of Parker High School. There wasn’t one thing that made her special, except, the scared, hollow, and completely alone, look she had as she wondered from class to class. All of the information that would be important to her later on during the school year, when deadlines were due, zoomed in one ear and out the other. It seemed she sat there like a zombie while the world was in motion around her. It didn’t seem to faze her even a little. Not even when one of her classmates was in a car crash. There was something wrong but no one know what.

Answer 1

"One girl stood out from all of the others as she walked down the crowded halls of Parker High School."

~A nice start. It draws in the interest of the reader, but it feels like it has been done before.

"There wasn’t one thing that made her special, except, the scared, hollow, and completely alone, look she had as she wondered from class to class."

~This sentence is very awkward. You might want to try something like: Her lack of uniqueness was only enhanced by the hollow look she wore as she wondered from class to class.

"All of the information that would be important to her later on during the school year, when deadlines were due, zoomed in one ear and out the other. It seemed she sat there like a zombie while the world was in motion around her. It didn’t seem to faze her even a little."

~I would find a way to combine these sentences into one...maybe two at most. You say she is zombie-like so you really do not need to say things do not faze her.

"Not even when one of her classmates was in a car crash."

~Complete out of place. It draws the reader out of the story. Not a good thing. You may want to save this for your next paragraph. You could say something like: While the rest of her classmates mourned the recent passing of a dear friend, she remained motionless, dead to the world around her.

"There was something wrong but no one know what."

~You do not need to state the obvious. If you have done your job as a writer well, you will not need to tell your audience that something is wrong with this character. They will already know.

Overall I believe that you have a good idea. Just be careful. Don't go down the "emo" street that many young writers are going down. It is cliche and boring. If your reason for your main character has nothing to do with bad parents, abuse, or anything "emo" related you should be fine.

Good Luck and never stop writing!!

Answer 2

it's fine for a first year high school english class. If you're taking an advanced English course.. then you definitely need to spice the narrative paragraph ... Your teacher is on crack if she doesn't agree that's a narrative voice attitude.

The main character has nothing special about her, she's feeling empty... which is fine.. she is a character.. and the story makes you feel the same way.

Answer 3

Don't use car crash. Use the word wreck. Thought they looked like their used correctly, theres too many commas. And it's kinda of boring..sorry. Use a bigger variety of words.

Answer 4

Not bad, definitely could be improved and better choice of words.

Answer 5

I don't really get it. It's like you just crammed a bunch of sentences together

Answer 6

I agree with your teacher. The story is not going anywhere.

Answer 7

Too many dangling participles!

Answer 8

Not bad..a little dark perhaps

Answer 9

ummmm?

Answer 10

pretty good i guess....