My husband's 8 year old niece is out of control. How can I learn to deal with her when I'm around her?

Question

We spent the weekend at my inlaws (where my husband's niece spends 90% of her time). As usual, I thought I was going to blow a gasket because of her behavior. She is rude, whiny, disrespectful, wild and disobedient. I have known this child for about 4 years and she is getting worse. Her parents are not together and neither of them really have time for her, so my inlaws have kind of taken her in. She lives with her mother and her 13 year old brother (whom I also hear is unruly), but when she is ready to go to my inlaws house all she has to do is blow a whistle and they are there to get her. When she's ready to go home they take her home, no matter how late it is. She rolls around the floors, she hangs onto furniture, she climbs walls, she jumps off furniture, she even hangs off my husband and his parents like they are gym equipment. I don't understand it. When they tell her to do something, she doesn't do it right away. They have to ask her several times and even threaten her.

She does it when SHE gets ready and she will even stare them right in the eyes to let them know that she is doing it her way. When we go out to eat, she whines if they tell her she has to get a kids mean instead of an adults meal. She will usually get an attitude and start crying at the table and when they talk to her she won’t answer. My husband’s parents let her get away with a lot, but my husband especially treats her like a baby. When we are at the mall and she decides that she’s tired of walking, my husband will pick her up and carry her. She’s tall for her age and it looks ackward when he does this. But get this – his mother will rock her to sleep sometimes. Until she falls asleep, she will fondle with his mother’s ear or nose. Also, she will demand that my mother inlaw go to sleep when she does.

Say for instance, we are there visiting and decide to play cards. It’s almost midnight and she’s sleepy. My mother inlaw will tell her to go to bed but she will whine and stomp her feet through the house because she’s not getting her way. She will continually ask if she can play, they will tell her no and tell her to go to bed, and she will keep coming back every five minutes. Finally, after an hour of that my mother inlaw will get serious with her and she will finally get the point. On occasion, my mother inlaw will spank her but it is very rare. This child begs, begs, begs and they give her everything and she’s never satisfied. She tells on my husband (to his mother) when he tells her to do something. She treats him like he’s the kid, and he has to tell his mother before he can get her to do anything. It gets on my nerves to have to watch this and be around it.

When she comes to our house she is TERRIBLE. She sprints through the house and does cartwheels. She goes into the refrigerator without washing her hands, goes into the pantry without asking, and will try to go into the other bedrooms even though the doors are closed. I made a remark to my husband about her behavior about a year ago and why did I do that? He was very defensive and felt as if I were picking on her. She came to our house to spend the night a few months ago and put her feet up on the couch with her shoes on. She twists, she turns, she flips and she dips and all anybody is saying is stop. Why don’t they get up and bust her ***? What can I do to cope with this because it is really starting to get under my skin. I really don’t say anything to my husband anymore because that causes problems. It’s to the point to where I don’t like being around her.

May I add that my mother inlaw is 62 and my father inlaw is 67 (my husband's parents are older). They have also said that they "feel sorry" for her because of her situation. Her father (their other son - my husband's brother) really doesn't have time for her and her mother is dating a guy and doesn't have time for her. Her and her brother have different fathers, so supposedly the brother treats her really badly. I don't know if I can believe that with the way she behaves.

Answer 1

My daughter and I live together and she has a friend who has a little monster like this. My daughter sometimes babysits this little horror and when she does, I leave the house. That is, I go visiting or shopping. Or, if I really have no place to go, I retreat to my room and remain there until the child is gone. I don't interact with her at all. I don't play with her, say how cute she is, or any of that. Neither do I worry about her discipline. She is my daughter's responsibility, not mine. You would be wise to do the same thing. When this child comes to your house, it's your husband's responsibility to watch her, not yours. If she swings from the chandeliers, it's your husband's problem, not yours. Plan to go shopping, visit your mom, or whatever else you can think of while she's in your home. Whatever she damages is again your husband's responsibility, so don't worry about it.

What the child does in your inlaws house is not your business. If she gets on your nerves while you're there, you can either stay or leave. When it comes to playing card games or whatever, you have a choice. You can either play, knowing that this little girl is going to be a constant interruption, or you can pass and don't play. The child I mentioned is only 4 years old and she's completely out of control. She steals money from her mother's purse (for what reason, I don't know), she runs and opens the front door when the bell rings, she'll answer the telephone, go in the refrigerator at will, yell, jump up and down, talk back to adults, and whatever else you can mention. I can only imagine what she'll be like in 4 more years. It's not, however, my child. I am not obligated to interact with her, and I don't!

Answer 2

The saddest part of this story is when you describe that her parents have no "time" for her. This child sounds like she hasn't ever really been parented. You really can't blame her, blame the parents. A nine year old only knows what they've been shown. What this child needs is a stable environment and LOTS of love. I don't think your in-laws will be able to provide this as they are feeling the guilt of the situation. They are trying to make up for what her parents are doing to her, thinking they are giving her what she needs but its actually making the situation worse. Some of her actions are just typical of that age but some are the result of not getting what she needs at home. The only thing that you can really do is to take this child aside and become a positive influence in her life. Spend TIME with her. That's what she needs most of all, an adult to talk to. Get on her level. Get her to open up. Give her some example to live by. Is there any way you could have her over to your house more? It sounds like your husband adores her. It might help out the in-laws a little AND you could build a relationship with her and be there not to complain about her negative behavior but to show her a more positive way to handle her stress. Kids need rules and stability but anything you do is not going to happen overnight if it happens at all. Both of her parents need a good thumping on the head for bringing this child into the world and then dropping the ball. Don't blame her, reach out to her. She is acting childish because she is emotionally underdeveloped. She is still a baby in that aspect. If someone doesn't intervene her life is headed down an awful path. Good luck.

Answer 3

It's not the childs fault, it's the adults not setting boundaries. You should talk to their pediatrician or a child psychologist. Convince them to get serious about this brat, or get ready to help care for a newborn when she's pregnant at 14. Kids have to receive rewards for good behavior and punishments when they act out. She needs to learn right from wrong. Do you think any of them are gonna say NO when she wants to run with the wrong crowd? If any of my kids acted like that they'd have ZERO toys, no friends over, no games, forget TV & DVD's, never get desserts again, kiss treats goodbye, and that computer is off limits, too...they'd get nothing. She'll end up in juvenile hall before she gets out of middle school. Kids without guidance or structure always do.

Answer 4

I have a simialer situation.
My hubby's older brother has two kids, a boy 8 and a girl 2. The boy isn't too bad but if he doesn't get what he wants at Christmas and his birthday he'll tell the person "I don't want this."
The girl is awful. She tried to pull my baby out of her bouncy seat. She pulled my baby's hair and all this while I was in the kitchen and her dad ignored her and her mom was laughing about. I came out to see why my baby was crying and found this happening. I pulled my neice away told her she was a bad girl and to sit in time out (this was at my house). Her mom got pissed but I told her if she wouldn't control her daughter then I would and she could leave if she didn't like it.

When I'm at someone else's house and she's there I keep my kids away from her and if she gets too bad I tell my hubby we're leaving, and he agrees.

So the best I can say is talk to your husband about how you feel and then don't go around her. If she comes to your house then she has to follow YOUR rules. If she doesn't she'll get in trouble or she'll have to leave.

Answer 5

wow, First off everyone needs to quit feeling sorry for this girl...They are not helping her by treating her this way. I am sorry but, someone has to put a foot down with her. I feel for everyone but, her. She will not be a good adult when she gets older. Has anyone thought of getting her counseling? Children act out like this when things aren't right. And I am sorry I did foster care long enough to see a lot of children who act this way and the only way to stop it is not to allow it. When she is in your home she needs to follow your rules and if your hubby doesn't see this then she doesn't need to come over! You wouldn't allow your own children to act this way so why is she any different? And for your hubby carrying her at the mail. Get a grip she is old enough to walk and if she is tired then maybe you all need to leave the mall and go home so she can take a nap. If she wants to act like a 3 year old treat her like one....

Answer 6

Treat her the way she treat others, just try it for a week, be her mirror. Children sometime do this is because they need attention from the adult, suggest that after making her realise that what she had done is not right, as a aunt you may also need to find out why she behaved like this. Most important is make them feels your love and your care, punishment are no longer an solutions.

Answer 7

It's hard to correct teh behavior of a child who is not biologically yours. I have been in this situation recently and what I have learned to do is two things. One, when that child is directly interacting with me and exhibits a rude behavior or acts bratty, I correct the behavior right away. Let the child know you do not appreciate how she said that or you do not respond to whining, etc. Second, voice your opinion to your husband about the situation. He may also find her behavior undesireable and help his parents by repremanding the little girl or speaking to his sister about how the child behaves.

Answer 8

You sound like you are blaming the child... that seems crazy to me. Where are the adults that are to set boundaries and teach this child to behave. Sounds like your in-laws should/would be the ones to step up to the plate...
They feel sorry for her situation, so they are going to do a lousy job of helping this child know boundaries...
This child is being abused by being spoiled so badly.....

Answer 9

my best advice is try to stay away from her. let him visit them.
maybe that can be your resting time, i would come up with something. if you say much you might be the bad person, cause poor little child comes from broken home. or she has to burn energy.

many excuses not to make her mind