I am miserable?

Question

I guess I just need a pep talk.

I've been married for almost 17 years. I have four children with my wife, from 16 yrs to 10 yrs. My wife has a 4yr old.

Yes, that's right, several years ago she came home from the bar pregnant. Now, I don't know the bio-father and I don't care. The child is my son and I raise him and treat him as such. I told myself I would be here for my kids until they are adults no matter what.

But, lately, it is very very difficult. I don't want to be intimate with my wife. She is angry all the time. I would rather not spend time with her. I don't like being at home at all. I drive home from work regretting the eventual turn into the driveway.

I guess the infidelity has burned a hatred into me that I can't escape. I still enjoy every minute with my kids and I don't want them to have to grow up in a divided home, but I'm not sure I can hold out until they are of age.

Words of advice?

Lots of good answers and great advice. Hard to pick only one. Thanks for the pep talk and I'll keep on truckin'.

Answer 1

Mike........... you are a real man. Not a lot of men would step up like you have.... taking care of your kids at the expense of your own needs is nothing short of amazing. I don't know a lot of men who would do that......... and I can't say that I'd do it, and I consider myself to be a real man as well.

What you are feeling strikes me as being totally normal. And there is no cure for normal. I would strongly suggest that you seek out counseling... that will give you someone to talk to who is emotionally removed from the situation.

I would also suggest that your wife's anger is probably directed more towards herself than at you, but you are the external target for her anger. You might try asking her why she's so bitter towards you when you are just doing the right thing.

Either way, good luck to you, bro.......... and know that there is at least one guy on this site who salutes you.

Answer 2

You've come this far in a very sticky situation and you are right to be there for the kids so try to find ways to make life in the home tolerable for you and them. Your wife made her choice 4 yrs ago so I'm not sure why she's angry. Instead of being around her all the time, take the kids and go have some fun with them. I know, a 16 yr. old probably doesn't want to hang out with dad but you might be surprised. And it might not hurt for you to talk with a therapist to find a way to handle some of the feelings your are experiencing. It's not that they aren't justified but you need to find a way to tamp them down a bit. Don't concentrate so much on what happened and try to find peace knowing your kids are home so that last turn into your driveway isn't all about your wife.

Answer 3

OHH my God!! Honey me and you are in the same boat... Yes I am raising my husband's daugther one he had with another woman.. I totally agree and understand you.. because even though is suppose to be over with the other woman I just can't forgive my husband's infedelity and the little girl she had such a horrible time with this woman her mother she was molested twice by her step father and some other relatives the courts gave her to us, she depends on me to take her to therapy to take care of her and I do with no problems but the way I feel towards my husband is so horrible I mean I can talk to him get along with him, but as a woman I can not feel the passion the love I once did for him, we have two boys together my sons are 10,7, and now my daugther 8 they all need us they love their daddy and they love me, I feel trapped and often confuse in between what my head says and what my heart feels, so I wait and wait they will get older and maybe then they won' t need me as much, I have no trust in my husband he has cheated sense we have her daugther...He saids is because I am so cold towards him, in a way I understand but at the same time I get mad because I find my self sacrificing this years of my life and I think the least he can do is stay faithful and wait too... we are stuck together is obvious it sounds like this is your situation that you just can't turn your back on these kids, I command you for what you did accepting a child from your spouse that isn't yours is not something easy, loving a child that comes from an affairs is even harder,your one hell of a man, and God is going to reward you for being there for this child.. in the mean time like I said just wait they will not be small kids for ever.. I cant believe that the same thing happend to both of us... I will pray for you..

Answer 4

You have to find it in your heart to forgive her. Has she been a good wife and mother since the event? Is she dedicated to you as a wife? None of us are perfect, we are all sinners. You think your burden is heavy to carry, don't forget she is also carrying her burden.

Walk on your pride a little and go to marital counseling with her. The kids are worth it, 17 years of marriage is worth the effort and you've been having these feelings only 'lately' so I feel this is a phase you're going through. Don't make a life change decision just now.

Good luck

Answer 5

You're probably going to get a couple of dozen answers telling you to divorce your wife. I think a better solution would be to go to counseling. Normally, I do have words of wisdom -- tips to try that can improve things. Not this time. You are holding onto some serious resentment. I don't blame you! You have a little walking, talking daily reminder of your wife's infidelity. Within yourself, you are keeping anger. In order to get through this, you are going to need to give voice to that anger. The place safest to do that and make it most likely that your marriage can withstand it is in counseling. Please make an appointment asap.

Answer 6

You and the Wife need to speak with a counselor.It sounds like you are both stuck in a rut.Do you and the Wife ever get out without the kids? do you romance each other? I hope it all works out for you for the Childrens sake.

Answer 7

Wow I gotta say I can't believe you stayed and helped raise that baby as if it were yours, I give you alot of credit. I can understand your hatred toward her. Can you too sit and talk about things? Maybe she is angry cause she can feel your hatred toward her, it really sounds like the two of you need to communicate with each other, maybe try just the two of you go out and talk things through and see were that leads you. Good luck.

Answer 8

The answer is forgiveness. For both you and your wife. I know, it's a lot easier to say it than to actually live it, though.

It seems you have tried very hard to forgive her. It seems that you are unable to do it. To forgive means to wash away the transgression from your mind, to let go of any animosity or hate because of it. Easy to say; really hard to do.

YOUR WIFE also needs to forgive. She needs to forgive HERSELF. It seems that her behavior (her anger) could be the result of her self-loathing OR a reflection of how you've been treating her. She needs forgiveness, from you and from God.

I suggest councelling for both of you; you could go together to a marraige councellor, but you might also consider individual councelling to work on the forgiveness challenge. Remember, forgivness has its origins in Christian/religious teachings, so for that, I suggest you talk to your priest/minister/rabbi, or whatever. If you don't have a church, find one. Go together as a family. It will strengthen you all.
Good luck.

Answer 9

If you really can't live with this then I would venture to suggest your happiness is more important - would your own children prefer to see you once a week happy, or every day miserable?

At least if you left you have a hope to find someone who can make you happy, and your own children are really old enough to chose which parent they live with - kids survive.

Your loyalty to your children is admirable, but remember they want a happy Dad as much as you want happy children.

Answer 10

hate to tell you this but some almost most kids are happier to have two loving homes ( one with mom and one with dad) than one uncomfortable home ( with mom and dad). I would try therapy marriage counseling the best of luck 16 years is a long time ( try to forgive her for what she did not only for her but for yourself)