fighting a shadow.?

Question

yesterday i found out that my husband wanted to stay with his ex-wife because of the kids even when she wanted a divorce. he says he wanted to raise them properly, but he didnt get a chance. now they are not very well mannered. and he has to pay alimony money. of course he has nothing nice to say about his ex-wife. but i am thinking - is that because of the kids or could he still have feelings for her? i am very jealous that we dont have children of our own and she will always be the mother of his children. i have been physically sick because of this, it is driving me crazy, i lvoe my husband but i cant get it out of my head.
please, understand taht i know i might be wrong in this situation, but how do i get rid of this disgusting and very strong feeling that i am jsut a rebound and that that was the love of his life since they had kids together. I feel like i am fighting wtih ghosts and shadows and i will never win. my husband is already sick of my ****, but i cant get over it.

oh, and yesterday he said that he stopped seeing future for us when i started talking about his past and that he is not interested in that.
and that it would be easier ot have an affair - that would be less hasssle and then we would jut get divorced.

it is just smth. in my head that i cant let go of - it was his child who started it - she said in the beginning of our relationship "dad, but u said the same thing about our mom and this other girl", when my husband was saying how much he loves me.
i stopped feeling special, i constantly feel threatened by his children because of how mu ch they mean to him taht he would even stay with someone who doesnt want him and i am just sick of this situation, i hate knowing that i have noone to talk to about this and that he is pissed off every time i bring it up. the worst thins is that i know i ma wrong but i dont know how to help it.

ok, one more question - why do kids have to come first if he comes first for me and is the most important person in teh world for me? dotn i deserve teh same?

Answer 1

Although my situation is different in alot of ways then ur's theres also alot of similarities that i can definately relate to..

My husband married his x wife because she was pg.. thats the only reason why , because he wanted to do the right thing.. he made himself love her for the sake of the kids because he wanted his kids to have a "whole" family.. but several years into the marriage she chose to leave him, and he felt as if his kids, had be stripped away from him.. he went from singing them to sleep every night, and waking them up by tickling them to only seeing them 4 days a month. And that crushes his heart..and the older they are getting, and the more their mother (who is psychotic, manipulative, and spiteful) uses them as pawns by doing all she can to make the kids think their dad the bad guy in all of this.. the more he has to fight to hold on to them.. , I have children from a previous as well, but its a different situation for me, since i am the custodial parent, sometimes i have to try and put myself in his shoes to understand how he's feeling.. because he's constantly on the "asking" end with his x wife, and has to put up with alot from her, to keep her from trying not to keep the kids away from him.. basically he eats S**t politely with a spoon not to cause waves with her .. so she wont play any games.. and for me it sucks.. because i have to be asked to eat s**t politely with a spoon too at times, and its hard, cause although i understand that his children come first to him, as do mine.. it sucks knowing that your always going to be 2nd.. and what sucks even more then that, is also feeling like u come in 3rd to the x wife.. and to hear things that are suggested that it would be so easy for them to walk away from u.. yet , they would of given their right arm to stay in a unhappy marriage only because they had kids.. and u dont, is extremely hard to swallow.. , i hear u there, cause at times i wish we had a child together just so i could feel that same kind of love from him, that bond.. knowing that u could come first, and be a real mom to a child with out constantly being made to feel like ur job as step mom only goes as far as him and his x choose for it to go.. constantly feeling like a fixture in your own home rather then an actual part of the family..feeling it will always been them (the x and the kids) on one side and (you) on the other, and always feeling that you will lose in the long run .. and although u think that maybe when they turn 18 and go on with their own lives and families, that maybe then you could come first, but realizing more and more over time, that u'll never be first to him.. not like u should be..not like if u and him had met years ago and had a family together urselves, u would of been first.. then.. but that was stolen away from you.. and although u went into this marriage with every hope in the world of being able to prove urself worthy of 1st, ur constantly reminded how ur lucky to even make 2nd spot.. and dont get me wrong.. Kids should come first in "life or death, or harms way" no doubt.. if my husband was drowning on one side of the boat, and my kids on the other and i could only save either my kids or him, my kids are the ones im saving.. but i think thats something that people know with out it constantly being thrown in your face where ur position is.., My parents are divorced, and my father and step mother have been married now for over 25 years.. and my father didnt put her in spot number 2.. she was put in spot 1 as if she was our biological mother.. and his 1st wife.. and it went with out saying that if he ever had to pick between her or us kids as far as "dire" situations, that he'd pick us.. but he never did or said anything to take her off that pedestal that he put her on.. and on daily things, he put her 1st.. things that werent going to emotionally scar us for life .. she got to be the "mom" of the house.. , and i think thats why their marriage worked.. because he commanded respect for her, he made us treat her as a mother role, and respect her as such.. and although i know my dad would be there for me in a heart beat if i needed him, i know his place is beside her.. that is his wife, and he goes where she goes..they have always been a united front.. that NO ONE not us kids, not the ex's, not any outsiders could ever break.. and i think thats why it worked so well.. and i dont understand how a man that trusted u enough with their kids to marry u , cant trust u enough to be the "mother" role.. and i do think that knowing ur constantly reminded whether its just bluntly put to u .. that ur 2nd , or the fact that his actions speak volumes that ur 2nd, i think does cause resentment .. and thats hard to change once it starts happening.. And u'll hear that u knew what u were getting into when u got married.. but u didnt know exactly what u were getting into, cause u probably thought like i did, that when u got married, that wedding ring would put alittle more clout on who u are in the house hold, that u would have a man standing by u always, just to find out that there wasnt much difference from gf status to marriage status in this, cause u didnt gain much more then a ring, a license and a new last name.. when u thought u were getting a "family" but instead u got someone elses family that ur always made to feel like a third wheel instead of actually feeling like ur apart of.. and people pick and choose when its convient for them to let u be a part of, and u feel like ur constantly walking on egg shells with every aspect of your life now, the x, the husband and the children, and ur scared to get scolded for doing or saying the wrong things.. and although they will say, that u dont have to feel the need to compete with the ex cause well they dont like the ex etc.. they make u feel like ur in constant competition with her, because she has everything u wanted from him.. cause he's your husband now, yet you feel like u have to share him with her.. and when they talk about the x at times, the new bf, or doing things for you and making it known to her.. basically the " ha look what u could of had if u stayed" kinda thing.. it breaks ur heart cause suddenly something that was meant to make you happy has just had to be shared with her even if it was out of spite... and every where u look u feel like the little bit of ground u once had, is slowly being chipped away from under your feet....

And although i know the right way to be.. "like my father and step mother" it only works if u both feel the same way.. and i wish i could give u a cure all for what ur feeling, but i cant since i too feel similar to how u feel at times, and i love my husband dearly, and my step children.. but i know how hard it is to cope with knowing that the marriage that u always dreamed about, instead u are in a marriage where u have to learn how to cope with the fact that you'll never be first.. and pray that will be enough for you..

Remember this, the jealousy that u feel toward his kids, isnt their doing, they are innocent by standards, the jealousy u feel is the result of how ur husband treats u where the kids are concerned, he is the one making u jealous, not the kids.. , He's the one making the choice not to stand next to u and not making the united front with u, instead "he's" the one that has decided to stand next to his kids and make them his united front instead of you, but they didnt make that choice he did..

And any woman, that says " your being unreasonable in ur thoughts" is a woman that has never gone through what ur going through.. it is extremely hard being the step parent.. it is harder then i ever imagined it would be , and my step children are great.. but its my husband and his x that make it hard on me..not them.. they are just the ones caught in the middle.. of it all.. and we arent even in the middle, we are on the side lines.. waiting to be called in on the field when they choose to call us in.. and put on the bench when they choose to put us on the bench, so to speak..

I have 3 kids, and i put my husband in as father from day one.. i trust him with my children, he's on all the forms as father since their dad lives out of town would make zero sense to have the school call them when their sick.. i make sure my kids acknowledge him on holidays , bdays, and fathers day, they even will call him when they are out of town to wish him a happy fathers day.. he helps in disciplining the kids.. and there have even been times that i disagreed with him on things concerning the kids.. but i try to support him, because i want to give him the "fatherly" role in our house.. because i want us all to be one united front.. and im not saying im perfect by any means.. but i try really hard to do things the right way and to be fair all away acrossed the board.. i just wish that i could have my husbands heart the way his x wife had his heart, even if he had to force himself to love her.. i doubt she was ever told or made to feel that she was second..

Good luck to u, stay strong, get some counseling if u can, and please please, remember that the kids are the innocent ones in this.. and that ur resentment is at how ur husband treats u , not the kids..

Answer 2

Just my thoughts here--I think that even if he were to go back to his ex, his kids wouldn't be any more well mannered than they are now. They might seem happier and they might give him a little bit more happiness because the situation has changed, but divorce alone doesn't make good kids bad. There might actually be even more resentment from him by his kids because they may feel he deserted them to begin with.

Anytime that Honeymoon Period dissolves in a marriage people think about divorcing. Even those relationships that we acknowledge as harmful to us look enticing. We can always rationalize, "Oh, it wasn't so bad!" when it was bad enough to drive us away in the first place.

You're not wrong to feel the way you feel, but anyone who marries someone with kids and an ex-wife have to realize that those kids will always come first. They come first to him because they're kids. You don't come first to him because he has them in his life. He comes first to you beause you two have no children together. It would be great if you could put his kids before yourself, but I also realize that would be very hard to do. If you're not willing to live with a man who has kids in his life, then maybe you should think about divorcing him instead.

I think you two could work this through, but it would take a lot of effort. Are you willing to do that for him?

Answer 3

What a muddle no wonder your confused. You need to stand back - write down the good and bad on a piece of paper 2 columns. There will always be a bond between the first relationship but it is how you deal with that, that is the answer. Remember, you can have a calm and loving place for him to come to free from children but ready for romance. Wife that was has the full hard work of bringing up his children full time. You don't, you can help from time to time but make it a happy place to be. He has answered your question when he said it would be easier to have an affair, so have an affair with your man with nothing else interfering with it. Make your home seductive and cosy for him, instead of letting the jealousy ruin the good in the relationship. Your not talking about your feelings just the ex wife so get back on keel. Become the 'sexist woman you can be' and don't talk about the ex wife.

Answer 4

I certainly understand everything you are feeling. I went thru the same thing except he was a boyfriend. She left him and took his child to another country. He stayed here and for 3 years I heard the bad mouthing, or he would say that he would never be with her again. He loves his child very much and there was always this gut feeling that even though he bad mouthed her, he and I would have fights over this. I knew he should always put his daughter first. To make a very long and sad story, he went back to his wife and left me with a broken heart. We kept in touch for awhile with his promises that once he got his daughter back he would leave his wife because she was a horrible woman. That was 2 1/2 years ago.

I don't know if I pushed him away because of this gut feeling I had. I really don't think so. I now believe in that woman's intuition because if I would have listened I may have let go sooner.

You are married to this man. You have to learn to deal with the fact that his children must come first. That much I know. The ex is going to be a problem for you if not only in your mind.

I just know that I was fighting those ghosts all the time too and ended up not being a ghost. Just be observant. I wish I would have been.

I hope this works out for you because I really know this pain you are going thru.

Answer 5

I don't really have a direct answer for your question, but feel you have to tread carefully.
Like you say, your husband is getting tired of your worry, maybe a little unfairly, as i would feel the same in your situation, but in the same sense as someone being told so much that they're having an affair, they decide to go off and do it, just to confirm the accusations.
If you push him too much on the subject, you may end up driving him away, if you get what i mean.
In no way do i mean stop talks with him, but maybe give him a bit of space and time, let him make the decision. if you give him this Free reign, it may assure you that you are giving him the option to choose, but he wants to be with you.
I'm sure he does want t be with you, and that his main concern as far as his ex-wife goes, is for the kids, and he wants to do whats right.
Good luck!

Answer 6

sounds to me like you got a heck of a problem. theres no solution either. i went through the very similar situation so i know your pain. he needs to understand that you too have feelings. whatever you do dont argue over the situation because that will only worsen the ptoblem. you see, you are looked upon as the bad person to the ex. most exes use children against the other parent, whatever they can. dont look at yourself as a shadow cuz youre not. youre the new wife, and youre carring a heavy burdon. im surre the ex loves that you two are fighting about this, thats what she wants. dont give into it. hes always going to have a history with this woman, he was married to her. hopefully he will see that she using the children against the two of you. you got a long road ahead of you and you can either stick it out, or you can throw the towel in. if you truly love him then show him that youre there for him, trust me you will get more attention that way. youo must realize that hes going through this too. show him you got his back, just dont fight and argue. maybe he suggest counseling for the kids, the ex should be all for that, but she wont be. she may like all this. divorce is just as hard on kids too. these children need to see and talk to professionals. but dont give up on your marriage, and dont give up on him. be there for him, things will change if you show him you are there. good luck to you , i wish you the best.

Answer 7

Going to be honest with you here, your over thinking stuff and need to quit worrying about his ex.

Your not in a competition with her, you already won that competition as he is married to you. Trust me if he is bad mouthing her then he has no good feelings towards her at all. She's done nothing but ruin his life and his childrens lives and he will always hate her for it. Most likely though he will remain civil towards her for the sake of the children. Really as far as he is concerned she is just the "egg" donor to his children and nothing more.

You really do have nothing to worry bout from his ex, especially since he has nothing but bad things to say about her. You might have reason to wonder if all he had to say was nice things.

You need to realize that these ghosts and shadows that you are fighting are only in YOUR mind, and not anyone elses. Accept the fact that he is with you NOW, and that he has married you, and that you are now the love of his life.

Honestly, you need to let it go or you will push him away. If he is already sick of how you are acting due to this then eventually he will get to the point where he just doesn't want to deal with you anymore and then he will soon be refering to you as his psycho ex-wife too.
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Ok, in answer to your second question, his kids will always come before you. They are flesh and blood and everyone knows blood is thicker then water. Seriously, when you married him, did you not realize that you also married the kids? Get over it, your obviously making life so miserable in that house because your trying to go for that gold star and be #1 in a relationship that you have no hope of being #1 in, and don't you realize that if he had kids with you that those kids would also come before you? That's just the way it is, surprise your in a relationship and it's not all about you. Go seek some counseling.

Answer 8

I have to commend you for even staying there with your husband after he has cheated on you. Infidelity is not something easy to cope with and I recommend that you try counseling to see how your husband really feels being married to you. I would assume he is taking you for granted or he even thinks that this is acceptable by you because you choose to hang in there with him. He may in fact do it again. You need to let him know this behavior is unacceptable and won't be tolerated. Your kids shouldn't have to grow up thinking this is okay either. I definitely wouldn't allow him to carry pictures around and allow him to talk about his memories. He is still dwelling on his past instead of creating a better future...it's simply how much YOU are willing to put up with at this point. My child father is a great provider and the state makes sure he send that check k every month...are you hearing me???

Answer 9

You need to leave because he is not ready to commit to anyone.,...he is still grieving over losing his family. As far as the kids go...kids should always be number one with a parent...over a spouse...not that life has to be what the kids say....but the kids need to know their parents are always going to be there for them...If they have this then they will feel less threatened in a new relationship.

Answer 10

I know his type, got a buddy like him, he feels that it's best for the kids to have both parents in the same home even though the parents don't get along.

While both parents is best for the kids, two unhappy parents can do way more harm than good.

Answer 11

See a counselor on your own to work through your feelings. Right now, you are ruining your marriage. He should probably go to counseling to, because it seems he is being driven by the guilt of not raising his children with his ex-wife. Good luck.