can you give me some tips on my short story intro?

Question

It was another magical day the ocean sparkling as he continued wading in the luke warm water which he was in up to his chest, traditional spear in his hands, its bamboo shaft well worn from excursions such as this with the stainless steel prongs sharpened to a needle point to penetrate even the toughest skin of his prey.
There was a little movement to his right as he fixed his blue eyes onto it watching the shadow slip within range complete unaware of his stealthy presence as he lifted the spear and in one fluid motion threw it at the shadow. The spear end floating on the surface twitching wildly showed that it was a direct hit.
Swimming with enjoyable leisurely strokes he reached the spear and grasping the end placed his feet on the sandy bottom lifting the spear slowly from the water to reveal another beautiful but large specimen of Australian sand whiting.

That being his third of this short outing he swam back to the beach some thirty odd meters away his catch tucked solidly into the lovingly made pouch attached to his shorts.
Walking slowly he emerged from the warm water, the slight ocean breeze pleasant on his skin as he couldn’t help but take in his tropical surrounding, thanking himself for making the decision to leave the stress of the city, a hard choice but certainly one he appreciated more and more each day.
It was nearly 4 years ago that he made up his mind to leave the stress of his job as a high profile lawyer, personally he thought at the time he was sick of keeping the scrum from prison on technicalities only to receive monetary rewards for his effort, the longer he did it the more he regretted this Judas like gesture of selling his abilities against his better judgement and morals.

There were too many scum on the street because of his sharp analytical mind, so when time came and he had enough money he left his life to relocate to the lush tropical island he now called home far away from his past life, and the more importantly from the scum he put back onto the street.
Home he though, yes his soul was at home here. The move although logistically a nightmare had been the most exciting time of his short life, not yet thirty five he had enjoyed the good life and now he thought was enjoying the better life. Granted returning to this place was strange as he had only lived her for a very short time as a child it bought back all the euphoric memories he had kept locked up for so long.
Less than twenty kilometres from the Papuan New Guinea coastline he still resided within Australian waters and enjoyed all the privileges Australia could afford him.

The small fire still smouldered as he slowly filleted and cleaned his catch, tossing the scraps onto the beach to his resident fishing companion, a sea eagle which was immature when it had first flown into his life not long after settling here, not anymore it was a full grown and spectacular specimen that grew bolder by the day, in a way he resented the company but in short enjoyed having something to join him when he needed the company. Placing the pan with his fresh fillets of fish over the smouldering fire as he stood and admired his home. A brick house, getting it here had been a nightmare but still he had built it with his own hands, nothing lavish but enough to suit his life style, fans in every room and air conditioning in the bedrooms, which was run but the battery bank kept in the cellar he had lovingly carved into the sandy ground, careful but arduously extracting whatever granite boulders he came across which was many given that this island was a volcanically

formed peak almost seemingly placed into the pacific ocean, the batteries were powered by the numerous solar panels on the roof of both the house and storage shed.

only just wrote these paragraphs this morning and think i got lost in the last paragraph or two but other than that think it has the making of a good intro what do you think?

thanks in advance peoples,

Answer 1

My favourite part - the sea eagle reference. Nice prose there, qtg.
Just a few observations:
1. I think "he" should have a name by this stage (even a surname reference)
2. Depending on how long your short story is going to be, be aware of injecting some rising action (en route to a climax) fairly soon
3. Some parts feel a little "over written". Perhaps cut back on some double adjectives and instead substitute a more high impact singular.
4. Be aware of character's actions "in context" to what his motivation is
5. Short sentences pack a little more punch than overly long ones in some instances.

Hope this makes sense - thanks for sharing - can't wait to read more! I can picture the setting nicely.

Answer 2

You're definitely off to a good start here. And lots of constructive feedback for you to consider. Sure your spelling and punctuation need some work but don't get hung up on these points- that's what editors and proofreaders are for. When choosing your words, think about how they flow when you read them. Consciously use the words and punctuation to create differences in pace. This will help you to set your scenes and create a climax.

There are various reasons why you might also like to consider the realities of length restrictions when submitting unsolicited manuscripts. This will help you to get published as well as focusing your writing to help you get through your story. You could start with the Reader's Digest website for more information.

http://www.readersdigest.com.au/content/31124/

Good Luck!

Answer 3

There are 5 aspects to writing and you definitely have the creative part down which is in reality the hardest part, but your grammar is not good ,missing commas and the way you place words and run on sentences etc. It is quite normal for writers to be very creative but not good at grammar. I am very good at grammar and correcting it, but I definitely lack in creativity, so have someone you know check it if it is for an assignment. Kind of like a live grammar checker :0 retired teacher here

Answer 4

hi angel i like poetry yet have written otherwise too. purely my opinion yet A "hook" get the reader fascinated, then character progression of a narrative line you may relate to...experience like they're in touch in, even introducing new characters. no longer knowin what direction/form ya wanna artwork, if that is historic, do study approximately actual, or a minimum of create a feeling of actual in relevance. Plot line, or moving strategies to characteristic intrigue, secret, the desire to make sure on. and an end quicker or later, the two a cliff hanger, or a decision.

Answer 5

As a talented writer in college, first of all the first sentence sounds like a run on sentence and it gets even more and more boring. you do not need to try so hard to impress your readers with too much detail on the characters movements, but rather add how the character feels in all of this. if you want to keep what you have, make it smaller and more compact by changing your words around.

Answer 6

I liked it! You do, however, have several run-on sentences and misspelled words (just a gentle reminder to check closer). Your words made me feel like was actually there! You seem to have a talent for writing...keep it up!
ps. Are you planning to have any action scenes? That would be really great!

Answer 7

It is very creative, you kept me hooked through the whole passage. You need to do some rephrasing and some grammar work, but other than that it's a good start!!

Answer 8

too much to read<.< sorry<.<