Dave stared at the man standing opposite him. He was tall and menacing, with wiry hair, and flashing eyes. An unspeakable fear coursed through Dave. He tried to speak, but all he could do was whisper. He trembled, his hands shaking fearfully. The man did not speak, did not move, only stared at him. As if he could see past his face, his body, and deep inside of him.
Dave started, then sat up in bed. He hated the nightmares he'd been having lately. He hated the way the man seemed to follow him, terrorizing not only his dreams, but his job, his bike rides, when he took Lorraine, his girlfriend, out for a movie. "I guess I should let go of these dreams," Dave said to himself. Then he laughed. "What am I, crazy? I'm talking to myself like a lunatic!" He rose from his bed to get ready for work. Later, when he was enjoying a break from fixing cars, Dave sat on a bench in the mechanic shop and sighed. He was exhaused from the morning's work. It was a clear spring day and the shop had been
2007-08-19 16:35:55 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
crowded. A clicking of the heels Lorraine always wore interrupted his thoughts. he looked up to see his beautiful girlfriend walking up to him. She smiled. "Got time for some chinese takeout before your break ends?" Dave grinned and stood up. "Sure thing, beautiful!" They embraced and then left the shop. As Dave and Lorraine sat in Lorraine's car, only Lorraine chowed down on chinese food. Dave gazed distractedly out the window. Nothing exciting out here, he thought. Some seagulls, a person or two, and the occasional highschooler, skipping class and heading for a deserted alleyway to smoke and chat with friends in. But what was that? Dave thought. A man, exactly like the one who haunted Dave's dreams, was standing alone at a curb, gazing at, gazing at... well, what was he gazing at? Was it the birds, the passerby, or even, (A chill went down his spine) him? Dave turned to Lorraine. "My break's almost over. Can we head back to the shop now?"
what do you think of it? I'm not an author
2007-08-19 16:46:33 · update #1
lol I only wrote this tiny part but if you want more write your email address and I can write more.
2007-08-19 17:09:37 · update #2
Forgot to mention I'm 12 years old, do you think I have potential to be a writer when I grow up?
2007-08-19 17:34:18 · update #3
You are good sweetie. It shocked me really when you said you were only 12! As I was reading I was thinking you're much older. It's quite engrossing so far. Write more and post it and we'll see what happens to Dave. Your story opens up to a lot of possible plots and scenarios. Your grammar's quite good. I'd say you have the knack of capturing your readers' imagination and interest. Make Lorraine more interesting in the succeeding parts so she won't just be a "beautiful girlfriend" in the story. Good luck! Thanks for a good reading. Now, I won't be able to get Dave and his mystery man out of my head for a while.
2007-08-27 14:25:57 · answer #1 · answered by zachmir 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I like it so far... but I'm worried about Dave.
You jump right into it, it moves well, it has some funny dialogue (when he's talking to himself/ when he calls his girlfriend "beautiful"), you give him some depth with his mechanic job and the relationship with Lorraine and it has suspense, too. Some of the wording is a little awkward... but editing can wait. First, we need to know what happens to Dave.
For 12, this is very good. See if you can find some local contests to enter. You might also try keeping a journal, one on paper-- write down anything that comes to mind: things about your life, the people you see around you, descriptions of places, etc. That will be invaluable if you decide to continue writing as an adult; you will have the mind of a young person right there in front of you-- and endless ideas for stories. It will also help you see your growth as a writer. Good luck.
2007-08-19 17:09:09 · answer #2 · answered by Roald Ellsworth 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you've got a turn for narrative--not bad. I actually thought you might be a little older than 12. Keep at it, you know? Keep reading--it helps the creative juices to flow and it also improves narrative ability.
2007-08-27 04:49:59 · answer #3 · answered by Raingirl 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i thought it was pretty good. i would take out a few words tho. ". . .skipping class and heading for a deserted alleyway to smoke and chat with friends in." i would take out "in". "gazing at, gazing at... well, what was he gazing at?" i would take out the 2nd "gazing" so it would be " gazing at, at. . ." i just think it would sound better that way, but other than that, its pretty good. email me the rest of it :
danysax1@yahoo.com or saxamaphone93@aim.com
2007-08-19 17:26:47 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have the potential to be a writer NOW!
I'm thirteen and I love writing!
Yu really should consider it butgo under a pen-name for protection.
2007-08-27 02:33:06 · answer #5 · answered by Emma (: 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You're 12?! That's very impressive. Hone your craft and I could see you being a great writer when you grow up.
2007-08-19 18:01:59 · answer #6 · answered by Pip 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
it was a clear spring day and the shop had been...what?! it's getting interesting.
2007-08-19 16:44:35 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's really good. I want to read more!!! Who is the man?!!!
2007-08-19 17:00:55 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋