What tender love story can you craft from the following terms and phrases?

Question

Use'em in any order.

1. Condoleeza Rice
2. Barney the Dinosaur
3. flak vest and helmet
4. raw oysters
5. Ames, Iowa
6. Chef Boyardee
7. "Porky's III"
8. witness protection program
9. "You fool! I said PIANIST!"

No huge rush, I'll be back in 2-3 days to check'em out. Have fun!

Answer 1

The lone candle flame flickered and danced on the walls like Barney the Dinosaur at Club Med..it was a magical moment- a moment where a flak vest and helmet wouldn't have been enough to protect my heart..I had been dating Chef Boyardee now for only a few weeks, but in that short time i had fallen madly and desperately in love with more than just his hat and the special way he made condoleeza rice with a lovely raw oyster sauce - no it was much much more..

It all started in Ames, Iowa, a place well-known for rampart love affairs, home of the sensational Christian polka group- the Witness Protection Program, and of course home of the Porkys 3 international fan club and media information center..with that history its easy to see why fate had joined our hands in this crazy union of love, lust and tomato pasted eroticism..

Sadly however, despite the lure and sensuality of both Ames and the Chef, it all soon fell apart like a suntan in nuclear winter! it all seems so silly now in hindsight, i had inadvertently criticized the size of his ravioli and the Chef, i suppose feeling threatened, lashed back with a verbal barrage of his own, bringing up my sordid past as a gypsy fortune teller and drama Queen in Des Moine. Those words cut deep..So in a fit of rage i screamed "you FOOL i said PIANIST"- which of course made no sense at all and made ME look more like the fool than anything. But such is life and lust and love- in Ames, Iowa~~

Answer 2

Well I always have to be a lil' different, I know this isn't what ya want. BUT, I'll use them in order:Condoleeza Rice met Barney the Dinosaur and was helping him put on his Flak Vest and Helmet. They were having problems because he had eaten Raw Oysters. They went to Ames Iowa to meet Chef Boyardee to go watch Porkys III before delivering him to the Witness Protection Program
for shooting the Piccolo Player. When all at once George
W. Bush approached saying,"You Fool! I said PIANIST!"
I must admit, "I love this story!" ... Peace and Love Ya'll

Answer 3

It was a dark night, well, it would have been had it not been for the bonfire in the backyard. The neighbors were burning Barney the Dinosaur effigies, calling for forgivness for their past sins. I stepped out onto the patio, wearing my flak vest and helmet.. the guy next door had a history of throwing unopened cans of Chef Boyardee into their weekly bon fires.

"Would you guys knock off the chanting already?!?!" I yelled, "I'm trying to enjoy Porky's III for goodness sakes!!!"

"Do not disturb us you little monkey!" The man cried back. "Or we will call upon our Goddess, Condelezza Rice, and she shall pelt you with the flesh of a thousand raw oysters!!!"

"Ummmm... okay, whatever. Just knock off all this Barney burning. The fumes from that suit are cloggin up my swamp cooler. And your chanting is drowning out the movie."

"That does it! Oh great Goddess that is the Condie!!! Pelt this unbeliever with a rain of oysters!!! And cleanse his soul with your radiance!!!!!"

Well, that was two weeks ago. I'm now in the Witness Protection program (on a completly seperate matter) here i Ames, Iowa. It's nice, except my new neighbor keeps screaming at a cardboard cutout of Dr. Who, "You fool!!! I'm a pianist." Think I'll have to move again. Or burn down his house... whatever's cheaper...

Answer 4

Humfridus Hawkeye steps out after watching a Porky's III, and rambles down to his favorite watering hole in Ames, Iowa. It's the town he was born and raised in, and has lived in his entire life. It's also the town which had just recently been swarmed with hundreds of thousands (possibly a million) ducks.
Once inside, he pulls up a stool at the bar and and orders a Long Island.
The bartender, Barney "the Dinosaur" Aladdinski, was a paranoid old man who couldn't hear very well after a gun battle he was involved in while working as a special officer in the FBI's witness protection program. It didn't surprise Humfridus that he'd be wearing a flak vest and helmet... especially with the ducks being around.
"What's with these ducks all of a sudden?" asks Humfridus.
A couple of stools over is the Chef Boyardee... better known as the town drunk. She's still wearing her chef's hat and carrying a couple of raw oysters in her pocket.
"Why don't you tell him about the ducks, Barney," she says.
Barney, with a glass and towel in one hand says, "I told her I had this magic lamp with a genie inside who would grant me any three wishes I want. Being that I have everything I need, I told her she could have one of my wishes." He paused and looked at Chef Boyardee. "She told me she wanted a million ducks."
"You fool! I said bucks! I wanted a million bucks!!" Chef Boyardee snapped.
A door swings open across the bar near the bathrooms. A large pale naked person is sobbing. After a second, Humfridus realizes the person is not naked... it's not even a person! It's a penis!! A large, walking penis!
"That person is a penis!" Humfridus exclaims.
"That person is Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice," says Chef Boyardee. "What was it she wished for Barney?"
"She said she wanted to be the best concert penis in the world."
The penis looks at Barney "You fool! I said PIANIST!" she cried.

@%#% -- I was focused on the list of words & phrases and missed the part about "Tender love story".

Answer 5

In Ames, Iowa Chef Boyardee had to go into the Witness Protection Program because he witnessed the Kool-aid man beat Barney the Dinosaur with a sock full of ice.

Chef got a job at a local raw oyster bar where he met Condi Rice one evening. Just as she was about to leave, he asked her for a date. Condi was a little afraid since Chef was wearing a flak jacket and helmet. She was curious about this fat man in the funny clothes. She accepted the date.

Chef brought her to his house where they watched Porkys III, Condi's favorite movie. Things got steamy on the couch, when Condi whispered into Chef's ear....................Chef then proceeded to undo his pants, when Condi shouted - "You fool, I said PIANIST!"

The End!

Answer 6

Condoleeza Rice, Barney the Dinosaur and Chef Boyardee were engaged in a wild yet loving orgy, amid raw oysters, discarded flak vests and a spare helmet or two in Ames, Iowa. Porky's III was playing on the background television for mood music while the incessant love-fest went on unabated. Although the three miscreants were safe in the Witness Protection Program, none of them knew what their future held. Condi gave herself away to the hitman when she scolded Barney by saying, "You fool! I said PIANIST!" -- when clearly, the password all along, was PENIS.

Answer 7

They say you'll never find love in the Witness Protection Program but I'm living proof that you can. I did, and here's my story...

It started about two years ago, in a transvestite bar in Ames, Iowa. I was drinking with a friend who was post-op, depressed and made up, quite successfully, as Condoleeza Rice... Really, it was uncanny. We were both in fitted Prada evening dresses and she was attracting quite a bit of attention, but she was oblivious to it. She was drumming her long, red nails against her martini glass and bemoaning the fact that her last date had made her wear a flak vest and helmet in the bedroom. She was not against the kinky stuff but up until about 12 months ago she had been a five star General named Milton and this made her a little uneasy with the kinkier side of military garb.

So, after my third Long Island Iced Tea and her seventh Cosmopolitan I gave her a kiss on the wig (I was quite tipsy by this time) and bade her farewell. She was quite non-plussed by now, as a man who looked distinctly like Chef Boyardee in hot pants had approached her with a huge tray of raw oysters. Trying desperately not to imagine the scene of that particular impending train wreck, I slipped quietly out the door and into the cold and unforgiving winter's night.

And soon after that was when I met him... It all sounds so cliche but love really does arrive when one least expects it. In my case while I was eating a midnight pretzel outside an electronic goods store and quietly whispering abuse at the Barney the Dinosour montage that had sprung up around me on their television display. There is nothing more irritating than that purple abominaton, especially on a freezing winters night in Iowa when, in a cocaine fueled frenzy of bad judgement, one decides to go for the backless evening dress and the six inch stilettos and is only now feeling the brunt of the inevitable pain that comes with being a woman.

I hadn't even noticed I was shivering, when all of a sudden I felt warm arms around me and a man's blazer on my shoulders. The wonderful, warm scent of Hugo Boss aftershave enveloped me and I turned around to see my knight in shining armour. He was beautiful... As I drank in his jet black hair and dark eyes it was love at first sight and I knew he felt the same way.

We went back to his place and kissed passionately to the sounds of Porky's III in the background. Funny gets me going... what can I say? It was then that he professed his undying love and told me he wanted to take things slowly.So we talked for a while. He told me that he was a musician and was trying to get a band together but by this stage I wanted only one thing... and he was still ranting on about his music.

"So", he said "The one thing I really need right now is an absolutely fantastic..."

And just then I tore off my dress in a passion filled flourish. He gawped in disbelief and yelled, "You fool! I said PIANIST!".

I ran into the snow filled Iowa night, tears streaming down my face. We never saw each other again but I long for him to this day...

Oh, and the witness protection thing? I'm an ex New York truck driver who turned witness against the mob about four years ago... My name is Larry and I'm a pre-op transvestite.

Answer 8

A story

Answer 9

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