If your husband had an affair, would you make contact with his lover?

Question

Even if the affair was well over a year ago? I did talk to her when it was recently discovered, but my emotions were flying high and I wasnt thinking straight. I feel like I have unanswered questions or maybe even a need to forgive her as well (she knew he was married and didnt care). I cant ask my husband these questions cuz he gets annoyed by it and stresses that by me talking about it, it is not moving forward. I say easy for him to say, he had all the fun, and I got all the pain, and confusion. I dont know if she would even talk to me, probably not. Its just lately things have been really bothering me and I feel like I need closure or something, and why I think she is the one to give it to me is beyond me. Please serious answers and please explain why you answered the way you did. I am going to read all of them very carefully and really consider what each of you have to say. Thank you

Answer 1

you already spoke to her. by looking her up again to rehash something she may have well already forgotten about you will look pathetic. and you seem like a very nice person so i would not want you to. you will diminish yourself in your husbands eyes too if you confront her. were you asking these very same kinds of questions recently??? not today but some days ago? they sound familiar. now you wanted an explanation of the answer. here it is: you are the wife. by spending your time obsessing and confronting some chick who is i guarantee not !!! thinking about you , well, what that will do is position you as the weak and powerless party. you are the wife. this is between your husband and you and framkly i would highly recommend you put this behind you once and for all. there are good books at any bookstore one is called 'after the affair' and tells how to stay married. you would be blown away. affairs are not usually what you would think and there are good books that educate you so you will not look desperate and helpless in front of your husband. the idea my friend is to look strong. you are the rightful wife. you have the power here. if you confront her, well, it never ever works and you will feel stupid if you do. there is something called dignity. look it up and live it.

Answer 2

Hi, in your husband's defense, I will say, if he's truly remorseful and willing to move on, I can understand why he would be annoyed with questions regarding the issue. However, that should not matter with this particular situation, explain to him your feelings of wanting "closure", regardless of how uncomfortable it makes him, he needs to suck it up. He owes you answers, especially since it's only been a year, these problems take time.
As for contacting the other woman, I'm not certain you should do that. There is no need to bring her back into the picture, this is between you and your husband, focus on the two of you. It is over and done with, she's no longer your problem. If your husband is really unwilling to cooperate with your unanswered questions and thoughts regarding what happened, I suggest you begin marriage counseling and work on getting these things out in the open, so you can move along with your marriage.

Good luck and take care.

Answer 3

Hi, I am still in college and have had a few casual relationships, one of which was slightly serious and lasted about a year and a half. I'm not in a position to advise on marital cheating with any authority, but my take on any such problem in any relationship is that it's best to not get in touch with a party who wronged you unless there is a very good reason to do so. If you need to get out your feelings towards her for closure, it would be better to write them out in a letter (which you never send!!), in a diary, by talking to a counselor or best friend or other third party, or in any other (positive) way possible. Talking to her will not be helpful and it is best you avoid it. Decide what to do about your husband, work at either moving on from your marriage or rebuilding it.....and find a way to have closure from what she has done to your life....that does not involve her.
It is my opinion that everything reaches an equilibrium in the end and that after time, things make more sense. Best of luck with all this....remember that no matter how hard things seem now, they will eventually improve and that sometimes it is better to wait and see if things settle down instead of making hasty decisions.

Answer 4

First of all, I think that by hanging onto the past as you are can cause more harm that good to your relationship. You must forgive. I know you will never forget. This will at least allow you to move on and if you can not come to terms with this then perhaps it is time to move on.
SSince it was a year ago, it is in the past. Let it go. Look forward. Spend the precious time you have together moving forward, together, not dwelling on a mistake in the past.
It will cause stress to keep bringing it up.
Maybe think about it, within yourself about what you are going to do. Decide if it is worth it to you to stay and work on bettering the relationship regardless of the downfalls.
If you can then plan a special evening with a romantic canldelit dinner followed by a bubble bath for two (or hot tub would be better if you have one) During dinner keep it light, perhaps during dessert over a glass of wine (not a bottle) stress to him that you need to speak of something briefly (and keep it brief and simple). Tell him that you need to know he understands how much pain it caused you. Maybe ask him to help you move on by maybe showing a bit more concern and affection for a bit until you feel confident again, while working on moving foreward to a better life together.
If he complys, give him a nice long passionate kiss and say Thank you. Tell him that you love him and don't forget now, the bottle of wine when you take him to the bubble bath before a hot sexy night togther. Don't ever look back after that.
Keep your relationship interesting and exciting, particularly sexually. Keep him so wound up that he wont need to go look elsewhere, you know what I mean?

If ever he does it again, my advice would be to dissolve the relationship. Don't let there be a third time. It would do nothing for your esteem but crush you.

Talking to the one he was having the affair with a year ago wouldn't be to your advantage at all at this point. She knew he was married so what does that tell you?

Furthermore, when you are telling him how it made you feel and asking for his understanding, Do NOT ask stupid questions looking for details of the affair. Don't go there. It is none of your business eventhough you were married to him at the time. It will only create a very uncomfortable atmosphere for both of you and really isn't necessary.
Just ask for his understanding. If he really loves you he will understand. Depending on his personality, he may even show some remorse.
There was a reason that he had the affair in the first place btw. Usually one travels outside the relationship because there is something missing. What was it?
Ask yourself? What was going on on your relationship when the affair took place? What can you do to assure that doesn't come into play again? Good luck.

Answer 5

I did speak to the other woman after the initial discovery. But, in our case, the other woman thought my H was 'separated'. Kind of stupid, she didn't question why he would not give her a home phone or his address! She was interested in finding out somethings also, but did cover up for my H also. I had to really work to remain calm and nice to her so she would talk. It wasn't easy, but she wasn't the one who betrayed me, my husband was.
Then, I insisted that he end all contact. Something he did anyway as his lies where exposed to her also and he could avoid her!

I wouldn't trust this other woman to be honest with you about anything. She may be angry about your husband ending the affair and may say things to you just to hurt you. She didn't care then about hurting you, and most likely still doesn't!

I understand that obsessive need to know and all the loose ends that linger. But, sometimes, we have to try to figure out just what good knowing some of those details will do. Will more of those ugly details really help or is it just more of the same story? No matter what, you will never know all the details. Over time, some of it just will not matter anymore.

Calling her now will just give her more power over you. If contact is over between your husband and this woman, you might be opening the door for her to have a reason to contact your husband again.

Answer 6

Your husband is acting like a true cheater husband... "lets just all forget about it". I called my husband gf when I found out they had a date and asked her my questions then, and still remember every detail. I would never confront her again.

Since you found out she didn't give a rats a$$ that he was married you really know everything you need to about her.

Something is triggering your up-rage. An anniversary or something. May I suggest you write a letter and let out all your anger in the letter. Ask your questions and make up your own answers. After you have vented you will feel much better and no one think you are a crazy lady that can't get over it (as if a "normal" person ever would)

Good Luck to you, I know just how you feel.

Answer 7

Something sort of similiar happened to me except the girl was someone he met online and only knew online. She lived in another state and they never actually met each other, but they talked online when I wasn't around and on the phone. She knew about me but didn't care. At first I called her to scream at her, which she, as expected, was totally rude and would only say "whatever" over and over. She hung,refused to answer anymore,etc. A year later, I am still mad about it at times. So I contacted her cause I thought it would help me feel something like closure. Like "why did you have to talk to my husband?"
All I got from calling her was more rude comments and hatefullness. I don't know why I expected anything else. It didn't make me feel better. I probably made her day knowing that I was still upset about this while she was just living her life with no problems.
I'd say don't contact the woman. You are more mad at your hubby than her you are just venting your anger at her cause it's easier and you can get away with it. Whereas,with your husband, he is basically telling you to hush up.
Get a journal, seriously and write in there all your feelings. Don't talk to your husband about it anymore. He has probably heard everything you have to say about it 500 times. It doesn't help your marriage to re-hash it again and again. You picked to stay with him, so you need to let it go. But write all your feelings in a journal. That helped me a lot.
It does stink cause he is fine and you have all these emotions about it. Sorry.

Answer 8

In order for a relationship to survive an affair several things must happen. First - you husband must understand that he was wrong and he will have to say sorry as many times as you want to hear it. He cannot sweep it under the rug and forget it ever happened. You must address all your concerns as quickly as you can emotionally so as not to drag it out. Your husband has to understadn that he damaged the marriage. I would not forgive her, but feel free to contact her and ask her to meet you for coffee. If she comes - then ask what you will, but be prepared for the answers. But, be sure these are questions you can't ask your husband. Couple's counseling can really help too.

Answer 9

If I were you I wouldnt talk to her about it, she will know that it still bothers you, maybe you can get your husband to go to marrage counceling with you to talk about how it made you feel inside and that it still bothers you.If this makes you feel better , I'm sure he wasnt emotionally involved. Most men who cheat are only thinking about getting pleasured , if he had an emotional attachment to this other woman he wouldnt be with you.Be the woman that he fell in love with in the first place and stop bringing up the past. It happened a long time ago and you cant change it.The best kind of closure is forgiveness, people make mistakes that they regret, if we didnt make mistakes we wouldnt have anything to learn from and I'm sure that he thinks of what he did to you as a big mistake, if he didnt care about your feelings he would be rubbing it in your face instead of getting upset when you bring it up to him, he gets that way cause he wants to forget about the mistake he made and when you bring it up it only makes him feel like crap for what he did all over again. Obviesly he wants to be with you and loves you or he wouldnt be there.Believe me when I say that forgiveness is the best kind of closure you can get.

Answer 10

You have had almost a year. You have silently been suffering over unsettled questions. You want peace of mind. Wouldn't it be nice to clear your thoughts? I say what is the harm. Once you have made a plan to speak with her, everything else will fall into place. Once that is over, maybe then you can sit back and really see the need answers. If you get mad so be it. If you cry so be it. So be it will be at rest within your soul. Hold your head high.