When A Loved One Dies...Are You Sadder For Him/Her, Or Sadder For Yourself?

Answer 1

Story time:

All the little children can lie down on their mats and settle in as I tell them a bed time tale.

There once was a man who loved a woman so deeply that everyday when he returned to his/their apartment, the man wept for the love he once shared which he now had the burden of holding onto all alone. For him one and one equalled one, and; one from one equalled misery. He would look at the pictures of her scattered all about the place, the chachkees and personal effects she had purchased, the clothes she wore still where they were when she was alive. He would shake at the thought of those words "when she was alive" like there would never be another day quite so wonderful as the day they met, there would never be a scent so sweet as her pillow when she got out of bed, and there would never be a sound so lovely as her sigh. It was as if in an instant all his senses came alive and died all at once. His heat shattered into a million what ifs and what could have beens and what never will bes.


This is the point when he questioned life itself, what it is all about, why it is so short, why she had to go, why he had to stay, what was that song they were playing the night she died, how did she get the cloths so clean, did he put out the trash, is it even trash day, when is trash day, is that a hair ribbon in that book,....

At the moment that he realized that he did not care he realizes that he was not alone and there she stood to in the shadows of his/their tiny place asking did he remember to pick up the dry cleaning on his way home from work.

He told her "I forgot,..." he was going to do it but he forgot.He said he had so much on his mind.

She told him "Never mind. You can pick it up tomorrow. There is always tomorrow." She walked in the shadows to the bedroom which stood open and appeared to be going to change her clothes. He followed.

"So how was work?" she asked.

He, sitting on the bed starting to take off his black jacket and tie, replied "I did not go to work. I had to see somebody off today."

She standing there near the bedroom closet said "Yes I was buried today as well, I hope you don't mind if we order Chinese take out I don't feel up to cooking."

He thought "Sure.___ That makes sense. Let's order in. I could really go for a dumpling right now.__ Do you remember how good they were?"

She said "Everything was good when we are together."

"I know." He said as he began to feel her slipping away. "Why is that?___ Why did it have to end?"

"It never ends, silly. " she said with a laugh and a look as she seem to dance ever closer to him back and forth. "It just is what it is. You mustn't think about it like that. It will onl cause you pain."

"But it hurts" he exclaimed and he stood up from the bed his hand out stretched, pulse quickening. "It hurts to think that this is all there is, that what was then is not now. It hurts to see tomorrow and think it must be wrong, to live today and feel it lacking. Don't you feel that way too?"

She told him "It would be easy for me to say I love you and hope that would ease your pain, to say I will always be there for you but you know it is not the same thing as actually being here for you, but; life goes on moment by moment and I cant tell you that I feel the same when the only feelings here are yours. I gave you mine and now they are all yours. Can't you see that?"

"All I see," he said as he paced back and forth at the end of the bed, "is that I am alone, or so it seems and I don't want to be. I want to be as it was, us together; is that too much to ask?"

"No." she said. "It is not too much to ask but it is more than I can offer, more than I have, more than anyone has. I can see this is upsetting you. Perhaps I should go."

"No!" he yelled as the thought of losing her once more sent a daggerlike pain down the back of his neck spreading into his shoulders and down to his toes. "I don't want to see you go. I don't want to be alone to wonder where you went how you are doing, what you are doing. I don't want to think you are never coming home. I want you here with me forever."

"Is that what you want?" she asked, "...to hang on to me like that hair ribbon stuck in the book on the floor, something to mark the place of where you once were, what you once had, who you thought you would be? Is that it?"

"No" he said as he knew to some extent she was right.

"If that is all you think of who I am, then darling you haven't a clue, and; I can't give you one." she said as she stared into his soul. "I am not that ribbon or th photos here and there. those are memories and make of them what you will but the sum of me can not be found in this apartment and the sum of you should not be either."

"But how will I know?" he asked as she seemed to be trying to dance away again.

"You just will," she said, "or you never will and that would be a shame."

"Can I see you again?" he asked though he seemed to now the answer as she walks back into the shadows of the other room. "Will I see you again" he asked as he followed. "I love you." he said as he could see her no more and he thought to himself I must be loosing it.

The man bent over to pick up the ribben from what turned out to be a telephone book openned to the page with the Chinese restaurants phone number on it and on that ribbon was the word Cherish, the name of the song he could not remember only a moment ago.

If the story answered your question then good. If not then at least I got it out there for anyone pondering these thoughts.

As for me, Yes, I feel the loss as it relates to me and not as it relates to them. There are many who believe that if there is life after life then that life is better than this one or else why would you give up something good for something else?

And I hear a fat woman singing so this show must be over.

Enjoy.

Answer 2

I am sadder for myself because when they die, they do not have anything to worry about anymore.
They will probably get to see their loved ones who past before them. You, on the other hand, are sad because you realize that slowly but surely, you won't have these people to talk to because they are gone. You still have bills to pay, a job to go to, you still have to live your life-just with less people in it.

Answer 3

Sadder for myself because I will miss that person and all the fun we had.

Answer 4

I never "lose" someone who dies. To me, & all who loved & knew them--they are immortal in our memories. I still think of people long passed, & always, always with smiles about the best moments, how they made me laugh, how they cared, & all their wonderful uniqueness. emptying ice cube trays reminds me of.....every single time! Mocking birds & magnolias. Music. I've never felt sad for myself. Of course, the way the death occurred makes some difference--but most often, it brings peace. Someone who was terminally ill for example. To me, everyone leaves an endless chain of echoes. There is nothing sad about that! We're all going one way or another. As for what others feel, like family members & so on--that's up to them. I can give comfort if it's needed, but bottom line--MOST of the time, death isn't really sad.

Answer 5

Sadder for myself since I believe in heaven and those I have lost I am certain are there waiting for me. 8:)

Answer 6

Sadder for myself because I stay behind missing him/her. Stop learning new things from this person. . It's always harder for the survivors.

Answer 7

Death is , may be releiving one of worldly turmoils... , but makes the family of deceases one unhappy... At the same time I feel sad for myself why I did not die yet to continue to suffer the turmoils of This World...

Answer 8

I'm usually sad for the person that is most affected by the death...for example, when my Grandpa died I really felt for my Grandma, my Mom, and my Aunts.

But then there's always the sorrow you have for your own personal loss.

Answer 9

It depends, when my 6 yr. old niece died from cancer it was a relief, she was suffering so much. In that case it would be those of us that are left behind but when a person just dies and there was no relief from suffering then it would be both.

Answer 10

Always the survivors, because we are the ones that are hurting. I sad for me because I will never get to hear that persons voice in live conversation, or see them smile, or feel their embrace anymore.

Answer 11

Depends - if they died too young, I feel bad for them and the life they could have led. In situations like my Grandparents, I felt sorrier for myself as they had led long fulfilling lives and I missed them.