Rewrite 3 of this poem, still your help requested.?

Question

pity

The wind blows across the frozen ground,
Blasting clean, nothing lost, nothing found.
The sadness I feel crushing my heart,
All I've left is pain, where do I start?

How many times can I look and see,
The waste of my youth, all I could be.
Twisted and broken, yet still I peek,
Life black as sin, redemption I seek.

I don't need you, or your sympathy,
Take a small look, that's all you will see.
I will take back my life from his grip,
His hold on me, has begun to slip.

Don't ever doubt the love and my care,
My San Juan angel, skin oh so fair.
She's the one, never doubted my love,
My ardor beyond probe, gift from above.

Answer 1

DP...better! now...imagery...how about "the wind swirls across the frozen ground"? "blows" lacks definition, if you see my drift (no pun intended). Next line, "blasting clean"...what about "blasted clean"? or "swept clean"? Next line, "the sadness I feel"...add "is", to "crushing..." then in the next line, invert the word order so it's, "Pain's all I have left, where do I start?"
Next stanza, where you say "all I could be", recommend changing it to "should be" and lose the period. Also, add "it's" before "redemption"
Next stanza, lose the comma in the first line. Second line, consider changing "that's all you will see" to "there's no more to see". Third line, consider adding "I swear" so the line becomes "I swear I'll take back my life from his grip", then "His hold on me weakens, it's starting to slip"

The last stanza, you use "the love" yet "my care"...it's one or the other...pick one and use it in both places. Second line, "...skin, oh, so fair". The third line is confusing...I'm not sure if "she's" your love or you're speaking to your love about "her"...and "my ardor beyond probe"? what does that mean? do you mean "beyond question or doubt?" if so, probe is a malapropism. Once you decide on an alternate word, add "a" or "his" before "gift from above."

you're getting better...keep at it.

...and keep writing

Answer 2

Well, Poetry.com would say it's too long. But it's very good.

I don't need your sympathy,
Take a small look, that's all you will see
I will take back my life from his grip,
His hold on me, has begun to slip.