What do you think of this?

Question

Does it make sense? You won't be able to understande some of it but what do you think of my similie? lol!

Disoriented, Sarah slid onto the floor and peered under her bed. She paused before reaching into the darkness, which was as threatening as the ocean five miles from her house that remained as hot as boiling water and crashed as white foam onto jagged rocks that waited patiently to punish any swimmers hoping for a relaxing day in the cool and calm waters of the Gulf of Mexico.

She groped in the shadows for a while, pushing aside clothes that probably hadn’t seen day light since she was seven, books that used to satisfy her overactive imagination as a child, and pieces of lose leaf paper with attempted math problems forever scribbled on them, until she finally pulled out her brand new suitcase.

Answer 1

i like it,it must really fit into your story. just start it off as its own sentence otherwise the sentence will drag (run on) make it like-The darkness was ....
nice addition-like it too. should make an interesting read.

Answer 2

2nd sentence is a bit 2 long...u might wanna change it to somthing like this:

Disoriented, Sarah slid onto the floor and peered under her bed. She paused before reaching into the darkness, which was as threatening as the ocean five miles from her house. Long-term residents of the oceanside homes knew that the ocean, however calm it seemed, was always hot as boiling water - although swimming tourists learned the hard way: by feeling the fury of the white, foamy waves of the Gulf of Mexico as they crashed onto jagged rocks.

just a suggestion...hope it helps!

Answer 3

Way too wordy. By the end of the sentence, I started thinking I was reading Hemingway's "The Old Man and the Sea."

And why was the darkness under the bed threatening? If she's getting her suitcase to run away from a bad situation, then there is salvation under the bed, not danger. The danger comes from outside, not under her bed.

Answer 4

Simile? I think the second sentence should go down in history as one of the worst sentences ever written. There is an annual contest for that - really - you should enter it. Keep it simple, hon. That is absolutely absurd. Why on earth would someone write something and then write a disclaimer for it saying "you won't be able to understand some of this?" The point of writing is communicating. If people don't understand some of it - what value is it? I didn't see the one you added. Not much better.

Pax - C

http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/

Answer 5

Source: WordNet (r) 1.7

verbosity
n : an expressive style that uses excessive words [syn: verboseness]
[ant: terseness]


Source: Webster's Revised Unabridged Dictionary (1913)

Verbosity \Ver*bos"i*ty\, n.; pl. Verbosities. [L. verbositas:
cf. F. verbosit['e].]
The quality or state of being verbose; the use of more words than are necessary; prolixity; wordiness; verbiage.

Source: Webster's Revised Unabridged Dictionary (1913)

Verbose \Ver*bose"\, a. [L. verbosus, from verbum a word. See
Verb.]
Abounding in words; using or containing more words than are necessary; tedious by a multiplicity of words; prolix; wordy; as, a verbose speaker; a verbose argument.

Need I say more?

Answer 6

it seems as if sarah had a nightmare,and she's checking under her bed to see if there's a monster under her bed,and your comparing it to a toiling sea that unsuspecting tourists arent aware of.

does that make any sense?

Answer 7

the simile is too long. stop at house or make it two sentences, put a period at house and stop at rocks.

Answer 8

Persiphone you're being really harsh. I think it's really good