do you like this one?

Question

From this weary vantage place
I take in the smoldering stage
One by one my ragged cast enter
Find their well worn marks and slur
Tormented lines conceived alone
Carved from desolation's stone
Hard and loose, covered in dust
Drawing the pain in the hearts of the lost.



Need an image for the second stanza, I want to play with the drama/stage idea. Any help would be good....

Actual ideas for a second stanza would be nice. I'm glad most of you 'like' it but I need some criticism here. I'm a big boy, I can take it.

Penfold, your input is always valued, stfu

Semper, I like the idea of the audience as captives... in this case I think the audience and the actors and the authors could be all the same group. The narrator is omniscient but not omnipotent so he is perhaps an open eye to the sad truth of existence. I need to find redemption for the cast/audience/authors somehow... thx for the lead.

Kevin, like 'disappointment's stone'. I'm working on shifting perspective and using POV to change the metaphor for each stanza. The 'eye' watches both from the audience and the stage I just need a reason...

Answer 1

Well I thought it was describing my Y!Network waking up and coming online. Criticism mmmmm. Your nose is toooooo big.

Second stanza would have to discuss breakfast and the first quart of cider of the day followed by a bnanaskin roll up.

Answer 2

One comment on the original stanza first...you say "carved from desolation's stone, hard and loose"
two things:
1. try "carved from disappointment's stone" and
2. try "graveled and loose" instead of "hard and loose"; the gravel is still "hard" but supports the idea of being loose, while also potentially describing the voice of the orator...just an idea.

Second stanza: why not turn the tables on the audience, make them the actors in a play the actors see repeated nightly...the audience that vacantly stares and applauses on cue as if they too had a script?

hope this helps

Answer 3

Hi Duncan, well this feels like a tired performance that is struggling to keep itself fresh before a new audience (been there, usually an afternoon show 4-5 into the run with an evening show following). You may want to consider bouncing to the audience reaction and then back to the players--setting up a bit of echo and energy there.

Answer 4

You appear to be the Director of this play. Brilliant work. Perhaps your second stanza should start there.

I witness the audience caught in a net
Of memories still too fresh to forget
For the fears of having no memories of the stage
Of the script of my life dare it run dry of ink
Blah blah.

Answer 5

dude this poem could be SICKNASTY if you finish the second stanza.

now im not much of a poet myself, so i cant really help you out with it.
but this is by far the best poem ive seen on yahoo answers

Answer 6

I do like that! You have an awesome way with words!You should totally pursue a career in writing poetry.

Answer 7

so far i think its really good. sorry i have no ideas..

good luck with the second stanza

Answer 8

I really like it. I like the message and the usage of words. I think u have a real talent!!!!!!!!KEEP ON WRITING!!!!!!!!!

Answer 9

i see where your getting at
its good! very meaningful

Answer 10

it's okay...... no offense but i don't really like it that much, but i know people who would