I can feel my heart sunken into my stomach...PLEASe help me...?

Question

My bf of 17 months has finally edmitted to me that he's been talking to his ex girl friend...He said he missed talking to her...He said she understand him, & they can joke about anything...He says he loves her, but only as a friend they've both agreed to that...He said they will ALWAYS be friends...He says he loves me with all of his heart....& sometimes I just don't understand him? & I guess I don't laugh enough? I feel like I'm not good enough. I feel like if he had the chance he would be with her & not me. I feel like I'm being used just for sex & nothing else.I don't think he truly even loves me.or if he ever has.He made her seem better, as if he was comparing us together. I asked him why he loves me, he said becuase your a great gf?? Bull aye? I dunno, I love him..& it's killing me with in that he did this to me,& behind my back for awhile.Everyday just lieing to me. He said he was always going to try to keep it from me, he even made a new account online so I wouldnt find out.

I know I should leave him, but apart of me doesn't want that to happen, it wants to make it work..but after he said all of that, saying he loves her ALOT knowing he does...I don't think I can go on like that...I feel like crap right now, & I'm in serious need of some edvice....PLEASE help me..What do I do? & why?

They never had sex he says, everyone says they had a long distance relationship & were basically just friends.....He told me last night that that was all they were but he loves her? I think he talks to her more, & I think he loves & cares for her more...I feel like I'm no longer good enough for him...but apart of me is wanting to talk to him, tell him exactly how I feel & that I want to make it work...but then another part is just like...Don't even worry bout him girl, he's a lieing fool who loves he's ex? & talks to her about life....You can have better...then I think, maybe there isn't better maybe every guy out there is a liar....every one in my life is....I don't know what to do...

WOW!
Thank you ALL SO much
My stomach has lifted & I feel a thousand times better. THANK YOU AGAIN SO MUCH FOR MAKING ME SEE CLEARER!!!!!

LOVE,
Savanna

Answer 1

There is a series of books titled The Rules. Some of what they say is true. Guys like girls they can't have more than girls that are very available. It's the masculine need for challenge thing. Since you want him, you're no longer the girl he can't have. Since he's not with his ex, she is the girl he can't have.

Here are a few basics taken from The Rules:

If he calls you after Wednesday to see you for a date on Saturday, politely say you're too busy. Don't say what you're busy doing.

Don't always answer the phone when he calls, and never call him. When you do answer, don't talk longer than 3 to 5 minutes, then politely say you need to go. Don't say why you need to go.

Always look your best. You are a creature unlike any other. Take some time just for you to do the things you like to do. Read a book, play a game, go for a walk, take a bubble bath, listen to music, etc.

I can't remember more, but I'd suggest you read the book.

Answer 2

Love is a tricky thing. I am so sorry you are going through this. I read an article yesterday that might help. Here is some of it: "It's quite common for a couple to struggle with the thorny issue of opposite-sex friends. Sometimes the problem arises from one partner refusing to let go of past boyfriends or girlfriends. Individuals who keep the old flames' phone numbers in their contact file believe it doesn't make sense to dispose of the friendship just because the romance fizzled out. Even though your mate sees lots of good reasons to foster these friendships, you have an even better reason not to: because it threatens your relationship. If your mate is involved in a special relationship that makes you uncomfortable, don't ignore that feeling. You've got to ask for what you need -- for your mate to end further personal and exclusive friendships with people of the opposite sex. Remember, your partner may not be intending to hurt you, and may honestly feel like there is nothing to worry about. You can help him or her understand your concerns; it may help to read this article together.
Finally, your partner may feel it's rude or unfair to the "friend" to end the exclusivity of the friendship. That may be right, but frankly, not taking action is rude and unfair to you. In all cases, the needs of your relationship outweigh the needs of a friend. After all, you should always be number one on your partner's buddy list."
You have to do what is right for you. Remember that you are good enough! You're too good for him... I hope this helps. You can read the whole article at
http://www.hitchedmag.com/yahoo

Answer 3

You said it yourself, "I don't think I can go on like that." It sounds like he made a choice already and he chooses to have two, the choice you have to make is, "To share or not to share?" Don't let it make you sick, pick where you want to be. With all of the guys in the world that are looking for a sweet committed partner, why would you want to share yours with a mistress or be the mistress. Is this guy really that good. Two lives will seldom let one another coexist indefinitely. My belief is life is tough enough to have that competition for companionship in your personal life. Seems like to me that partners are supposed to help one another and if he is busy with the other when you need him how much value does he actually have. Always being friends is ok, however, even a just for sex relationship might be but I find that if I were to have a just for sex relationship it would not leave me time for another like he has. There is something wrong in the big picture. What I see is you want more and he wants cake and eat it too. I could be wrong but I don't think so. Looks like the decision you are faced with is do you want to be the just for sex girl? Can he be that good? I doubt it but I could be wrong. Sad that there are so many of us guys that would love to have one woman without the worry of her running off or having that need of sleeping around. If you want a 1 on 1 satisfying, committed relationship it is obvious you cannot have it there. Always competing for the #1 spot would be a decision maker for me to look for a partner that wanted to be friends, have lots of glorious sex and bask in the fruits of life with me. After the competition is done and the results are in, I perfer to have one partner to share the good, the bad and the ugly and not have to worry about being #2 because I did not think something is funny. I hope you find what you are looking for. Good luck.

Answer 4

Honey, its obvious he's lying to you. The fact that he wasnt going to tell you about the other account speaks volumes about his character. You should have been really pissed off and upset when you found that out. Do not let this guy or any guy walk all over your feelings like that. You have to do what you think his right, listen to your gut instinct. How can you continue a relationship when there will always be a lingering doubt in your mind about weither he is cheating on you or not.
You don't deserve that, nor does your heart. I would suggest that you tell him its either you or her, and thats it. But i think he's made his choice. Remember, actions speak louder than words. Don't ever forget that.

Answer 5

Before you ask what to do .. You should ask yourself how much you love your bf? I f you love him enough you should know how to trust him...but if you don't trust him because your 100 percent sure that he's a liar then why suffer long enough? If you think that he's cheating on you and can't trust any words he says, then why continue loving him? Aren't you just jealous about the ex? Maybe you just misunderstood what he says...and think that he's comparing you to his ex and is better than you etc.. because that's what you want to think?If not , then end up your relationship....Don't make the situation more harder for you.....Feel the pain once on the time you'll break up with him ..rather that feeling the pain longer while his with her ex and having you as his gf....Smile:)

Answer 6

Let me give you some advice from HIS perspective.

First, he was dead wrong for talking to her and keeping it from you, and you need to explain to him that by doing that, he has violated your trust in him. That's called 'lying by omission'.

Second, I have a couple of ex's that I remain friends with, we email, talk on the phone and give each other advice on current relationships, that's just how I am, and that's how they are. We are able to be friends without and sexual overtones. It's not impossible.

I have one ex that I remain close friends with, if for no other reason, she understands my dry sracstic sense of humor, we can talk forever about absolutely nothing, or catch up on the last three months in 5 minutes or less. We are the first ones the other calls when a fight happens with our significant other, and the first ones to tell the other that they were wrong.

I can't tell you what the relationship is between them, only they can do that.

It sounds to me like the two of you need to have a long conversation, without screaming and yelling. If you try to force your hand and make him choose, you will lose. You can try to include her in your lives, as a friend, but be prepared for jealousy on your part.

Either way, you have to do what is right for YOU. Don't sacrifice your own self esteem for someone else, you will be miserable, if you have to move on, then you have to move on.

Answer 7

well, I always did that to and still am. Let men get away with murder and still love them. I'll point out that we only learn in life thru these regretful experiences though. And if we didnt go thru them we'd never get it right. My point is just that atleast for your own self esteem let him know no matter what they worked out its not ok that he does this and you wont put up with it. I am married now but prior to that with my ex I didnt think it was ok to ever have any relations with anyone he had relations with. I mean come on. Look whenever you do find someone that loves you and you them you'll see the difference of how those things work in the future. But i'll also point out with my husband we used to have things going on that were what I would call not love, but because we actually did love eachother we have chosen to work thru them and change things so that we can be together successfully and that takes communication, committment, honesty, patience, love and lots of intimacy. Good Luck KIm

Answer 8

You got it all figure out there's only one thing left undone. LEAVE. He's already cheating and your absolutely right he is just using you. Don't pity yourself. I know it's hard to break any relationship especially an intimate one. But it seems like if you will continue the relationship with him the more you will feel miserable.
Why would you keep a relationship that causing you pain?
It should be the other way around.
Don't worry there still a lot of guys out there, who knows how to give importance to the feeling of their partner.
Pray and it will be given to you....That's His promise.
Good luck!

Answer 9

Dear Savanna,
This is not how being in love should be. You should be the one he wants to talk to and laughs with. Your relationship with him will end soon, save yourself some heartache and end it yourself. You don't want to be trapped in a love triangle and constantly feel you're not good enough. You deserve to be the center of attention of a man, not just his commodity. You sound young, life is in front of you, there are great guys out there who'll sweep you off your feet and make you feel like a queen. It's always hard to end a relationship, even the very bad relationships are hard to end but if YOU end it , it will be easier on you then if you wait for him to end it....cause he will eventually.

Answer 10

Hunny your a very pretty girl, and smart as well. No man should ever lie to his girlfreind behind there back. Forget it what is there to make work? Let him go because if you don't he'll keep doing it to you. Your not a rug that he can walk all over, your his girlfreind and he should respect you. If you do decide to stay with him then your allowing yourself to come in second place, compared to his ex. You deserve a man not a boy who wants to play childish games. Find a man who can love you and only you, and respect you and your wishs.