hhii poetry question?

Question

what do you think? Choose a title for me.

If the sun does not rise and the moon does not fall would the angles call?
Or would my soul soar with an awakeing trancending time and space or slumber in the absence of the human race?
Maybe the mark of man in the midst of time does his light shine to make the sun rise and the moon fall to be an awakening of transending time to those who look above and not fall behind.
To those who see and hear does the words written on this Earth inspire, teach, and give faith,
but it is man that gives man what God wants to give for his children through man'd will to give for god through each other, does he make his mark of faith.


I am not very religous but it has been God that inspired me. What do you think?

Answer 1

Dan, I see your intent...but your execution faulters. I have no doubt about your inspiration, but success at anything is 1/3 inspiration and 2/3 persperation...now it's time for you to do that latter.

For starters, let's put in line breaks, okay? They're there for a purpose...to tell us where to pause or breathe. Next, you're supposed to paint a picture, not provide a "how to" set of instructions, so you need to think more in terms of images and less of telling. This is not a sermon, it's a poem. Next, your lines must make sense when read aloud. Your last stanza/paragraph is almost impossible to follow. Finally, you live in the 21st century, so you need to phrase your lines as a modern man, not the stilted verse or prose of the 19th. Here's an example:

If the sun didn't rise
or the moon didn't fall
would the angles call?
Would my soul soar
with awakeing,
trancending time and space
or slumber in the absence
of the human race?

All I did was use some contractions and a few modifiers, otherwise it's still your poem...do you see the difference? Can you hear the difference?

Now, go do that with the rest of your poem and don't repeat yourself.

keep writing

Answer 2

i like it. it is the suitable sentence from intercourse without Love by ability of Sharon Olds which first confirmed me what poetry is able to (that is somewhat long): they're like super runners: they comprehend they're on my own with the line floor, the chilly, the wind, the fit of their shoes, their over-all aerobic- vascular wellbeing—purely aspects, like the companion interior the mattress, and not the reality, that's the only physique on my own interior the universe against its own suitable time. Edit: and particular as Cheese Whisperer says i'm going to no longer be following instructions...that is close nevertheless.

Answer 3

The poem is good. It's sure is God that has inspired you and gave the feelings.

Answer 4

I think your best bet is to think carefully about it and name it yourself because you are the only one who knows what you are trying to convey, and in the end, you will be very happy that you gave it its title.

Answer 5

Well I answered that.....