Do you think what I did was right? Do you think it will get me anywhere?

Question

Okay, so I called my baby's sperm donor and asked him when I get married again would he be opposed to my new husband adopting my son. I am trying to be honest and straightforward with him. He said no. Then I explained that I wanted my child to have a normal life. No going between homes, no being confused. He gave this whole spill about how I am wanting to do this for me and I said, well, name one thing i said that i am wanting to do for myself. He couldn't. I told him this is not about me and it is not about him it is about the child and what is best for him. I asked to atleast think about what I had said and he said he would. Do you think I handled this right since he hasn't called or seen him in two months. Do you think there is a possibility that it will get me anywhere?

Princess, that is how I felt. When we talked tonight he was like yeah I have done wrong, but I don't want my child taken from me. I said you mean the child you have seen 4 times and thata was only because I called you to see him. The man is selfish and only thinking of himself. I even told him that if my son wants to see him later on I would let him, but that would be his choice. He will not sign papers to terminate his rights, that would be making it too easy on me in his eyes. I believe if he had other children he wouldn't care as much. I just want what is best for my son. I am hoping he stops and says okay so yeah it would be best for him to have a normal family. I never trash talk him even though my son is only 6 months old. As far as grandparents, aunts, and uncles....only a grandfather on sperm donor side and he could care less because he is a controlling jerk...one aunt who is a piece of trash...one cousin who is not even taken care of properly. No uncles

Answer 1

I disagree with Sweet Suzy. She obviously has never been in a situation like this to understand the emotional turmoil involved. It's not about selfishness. It is about so much more. As a mother with a daughter who had a "sperm donor" that didn't want to be an involved father, I know and understand exactly where you're coming from. I gave him the same choice when we got divorced. He signed the papers. My daughter has never seen or spoke to him. He left when she was only two days old. That was in 2003.

You asked a perfectly legitimate question of your child's father. He's been absent from the child's life for at least two months which is unacceptable and inappropriate. If the man doesn't want the responsibilities that come with being a father than he should strongly consider terminating his parental rights so that your future husband may adopt your child and legally take parental responsibility. The important thing is that if your son is old enough to know his dad, that you don't trash-talk about the man in front of your son and that you strongly reassure your son that this situation was never ever his fault. If your son isn't old enough to know his dad, then you can breathe a bit easier until the day comes when your son starts asking questions.

Good luck. I hope this man does the right thing for your son.

Answer 2

I think that you did the right thing!!! I am actually going through the same right now with my son and his father, My husband wants to adopt my son, but his 'sperm donor' is dead set on joint custody but, has refused to see him for the last four months. (my son is 6 years old) He knows what is going on and chooses to call my husband daddy and his father by his given name. Keep the piece of mind that you did the right thing and hopefully he will just stay away and let his son have a normal life with a family that loves him.

Answer 3

You tried communication over a serious issue. That's right and responsible. The topic is also emotionally charged, and apparently he sees himself as more than a 'sperm donor'; that much you've already learned. It may be wishful thinking on his part but maybe he has fantasies of doing right by you.

Was your purpose in asking him purley hypothetical? Are you faced with that challenge right now? Or did you want to find out what his heart is?

Answer 4

If he has not called or even bothered to see him in so long I don't blame you for being concerned. Why don't you try to get the courts involved so that all aspects of this situation can be addressed (support, visitation, etc.). and deal with the adoption aspect if you need to later.

Answer 5

I think it is very selfish of you, to want to deny the child his real father. The child will find out sooner or later what you are trying to do and will be very resentful that you cut his real dad out of his life. You are not thinking of the child's welfare if you do this. He has a right to know his real dad and his real dad's family. Have you thought about the grandparents, aunts and uncles and cousins that you will be cutting out of the child's life too. I don't think you have thought much past your own selfish convenience.

Put the child first. It isn't the child's fault that his parents are divorced, he deserves to know both of his real parents and to know that your new husband is not his dad, but will be his step dad.

Answer 6

I don't know. It all seems a bit strange to me.