Feedback on this poem?

Question

Somewhere Deep

somewhere deep inside me, i know that she's still there
the girl with bruised arms trapped in her own despair

as time goes by i marvel that once thats all i chose to be
my life and identity consumed by a drug that was killing me

the depth of my life now reflects how hollow I had become
peircing moments of pleasure fade and you become numb

my sobriety is but one gift I have to thank God for
my son, my boyfriend, my family and so much more

I've learned from my mistakes, and am paying my dues
so much is at stake, I have so much to lose

my past is a still part of me but only a part
now i'm a girl with a peaceful and loving heart.

08/05/2007

to those who have answered, thank you, fyi i have been sober 18 months so the brunt of the pain is over, this poem is just a realization of that!

Answer 1

I think a creative writing class is no substitute for a psychiatrist or a chemical substance abuse councilor...that's what I think.

If you have to read that in front of classmates...don't. I've sat through way too many creative writing classes, poetry seminars, etc. etc. where the subject of the poem was drug abuse, child abuse, date-rape, recovery, etc. EVERY time there is someone there who feels poetry is going to be their release. Someone always says..."oh...great poem." but they don't really mean it OR they are also a neophite to writing and have not yet had to sit through the torture of yet-another-chemical-abuse inspired poem.

Don't get me wrong. I'm glad you're in recovery....but if you have to write a poem about it, skip the rhymes. Make a stab at allusion to the subject...this is too overt. Make the reader think about what you are trying to say. Don't just dish it out with a spoon.

There is no pain in this poem. Make the reader feel what it is like to hit rock-freakin'-bottom. There is nothing in here about what a b'tch it is to kick. Make someone get aquainted with withdrawl. It's a b'tch...don't skip the details either. But also write about how d-mned great it feels to finally kick. It's goddamned freedom...make it sound like freedom. This makes it sound like everything is hunky-dory now that you're clean. Being clean and sober is not hunky-dory. I have a family of alcoholics. The wagon is not an easy thing to ride.

If I was grading this poem I would give you a C. Rhyme and meter still count for something when you attempt them.

Buy a thesarus. You need some more colorful words too. Especially for this subject.

Answer 2

Your poem is fairly well done, but it could use a bit of editing. Your first couplet stalls because of a missing beat in line one and you lost meter continuity with "bruised" in line two...no matter how you read that line, it just doesn't want to flow well. You could try "of" to the first line and inverting "bruised" so it goes like this:

"Somewhere deep inside of me, I know that she's still there,
the bruised-arm girl that still is trapped within her own despair"

In the second stanza, your line stalls when it hits the multisyllable "marvel" ...your meter dictated a single beat where you put two...this puts the rest of the words on the wrong foot. Try...

"I marvel that once that was all I ever chose to be"

the same goes for the next line with "identity"...try,

"identity and life consumed; the drugs were killing me"

You have the same problem in the next line where "the depth of my life" falls off meter (iambic septameter). try,

"the depth of life I now possess...how hollow I'd become;
fleeting pleasure's moments fade and leave you only numb"

Then you need to chop off the first beat of the next line, leaving you with:
"Sobriety is but one gift I have to thank God for"
then the next line stalls at "boyfriend"...try "love", like...
"My son, my love, my family, and so much, so much more." I know, I've repeated "so much" twice, but you needed the extra beats and rather than create a grocery list of thanks, decided that stressing there was "so much more" was sufficient and acceptable in this instance.

the next line suffers from the same broken meter...this time you can add "I" and "up" so you get,

"I've learned from my mistakes and I am paying up my dues" (don't use a comma, it just breaks up the line unnecessarily).

the next line comes to a stop at "at stake"....try,
"There's so much here at stake, I fear, I have so much to lose"

the next line is missing a beat, which can be corrected by adding a "just" before "a part"...and the last line is very awkward...maybe this might work:

"My past is still a part of me, but only just a part
I'm now a peaceful girl, at last, with such a loving heart"

I hope this helps you edit your very lovely poem so that it flows a little easier off the tongue and rings a little better in the ear.

keep writing

Answer 3

Beautiful. I like it very much. Expressing yourself is so important and when you can truly look back at a person you used to be and appreciate where you've been and where you are now, thats when you experience true freedom, joy, and love. A beautiful poem for, I'm sure, a beautiful and victorious person. God bless.

Answer 4

If you were hired to write a preface for an AA pamphlet, you did a wonderful job. Don't be sending that draft off to "American Poetry Review" just yet.

Answer 5

i dont think that it floes very well... but it floes quite a bit towards the end of the poem though...it doesnt seem even or smooth. though i do like it because it tells how you feel. and that makes it beautiful. but since it doesnt ryme or mesh it seems like your telling a story about your life not doing a poem about it.

Answer 6

its really good