Why is it soo hard to leave an abusive (physically, emotionally, financially) husband.?

Question

Why is it soo hard. I feel like my two best friends are soo sick of hearing me whine. But no matter how close I get I chicken out. No job no stability....sometimes here seems better. I would rather live in chaos than move in with relatives and be uncomfortable or cause anyone else discomfort. I feel like why make others suffer for my mistakes. I don't want me or my children to be anyone elses burden. But...I'm sooo tired of carrying this cross. No one knows not family not friends, just my best friends. They say leave...well yeah but why is it soo hard. Why do you wake up wanting that person to just say sorry and mean it this time. To not be selfish! I think it will never happen... but find myself still waiting and wanting.
Aghhh How do I get my nerve up and go! I've never even called the cops on him for the abuse. He's either not let me or I've chickened out. I can't tell you how many police stations I have walked into hiding bruises under my clothes and just couldn't do it! WHY?

It doesnt help that he blames abuse on me..says he is only this way with me....I am committed how can I uncommit for the health and sanity of me and my children? No smart answers..please!

Just to make this part clear.....There is no abuse whatsoever towards my children.

Answer 1

My poor girl. You are as much to blame for him hurting you as for him breathing air. I can't explain your chickening out on calling the police. I understand you are dedicated to your man, even thought he does terrible things. It's your natural instinct as a woman to save him from himself. You want to change him and live happily ever after. He needs help, and he won't get it by you playing the victim. You need to get other people involved because you cannot make the hard decisions, you are just too close to this man to lay down the law. Go stay with someone, and take the kids or he might turn on them if he doesn't hurt them already. You have to protect your family. There are too many reasons to list why he does what he does. Fear, anger, insecurity, whatever it is, you've got to help him deal with it some other way, than just sitting there and taking it. Take care of yourself girl. You are braver than I would be.

Answer 2

Please do it!
You have just explained why it is so important, and you already know that you can start a better life without him...
Find the local services that can help you, use a family shelter as a time out, even a vacation, and only talk to the friends you make there.

Remember, you already know there will be no "sorry and I mean it this time".... even if you hear that it will be false. Realize that it is his problem, not yours. He is no victim and will never be hurt by anything you do. Do a good thing for yourself! Find the counselors that can help you and stay with them, bring any children if they are involved. His or yours.

Let the man and your family wait while you sort things out with non-partial people who understand your situation. Just a few days is all it takes. You'll see your situation in a new light!

Please, don't let it go further. Count the reasons. Zero!

Answer 3

I am sorry to hear about your situation. However, I think that you yourself are quite selfish in that you're only caring about your own life. What about your kids? Do you really want them to continue growing up in an ABUSIVE household? I'll be harsh here because your "best" friends are obviously not forthright enough.

1. GET YOUR KIDS AND YOURSELF OUT OF THAT HOUSE!
2. Go stay with relatives even if you believe it's a burden because you know what? It's better to be secretly considered a "burden" than to be blatantly slapped around all day and night by an abusive husband.
3. Call the cops. A husband who hits and who has no control is NOT a loving husband at all. Stop praying and hoping for the I-M-P-O-S-S-I-B-L-E. You've got reality to worry about...
4. Get a job. In this day and age, you should be out working and making a living for yourself. Earn enough to get a cozy apartment for you and your children. I have a friend who lived with her mother in an apartment -- five people total counting siblings, and she led a very happy life, and so did her mother. Do you know what happened? Her scum father slept around on her mother, and an inevitable divorce occurred, which is what you NEED to do with your own husband.

This isn't just about you. You've got other people depending on your actions. Remember that, and START PACKING!

Answer 4

look into some of these sites maybe they will give you the strength to break away from the place where you are today!
http://www.verbalabuse.com/Groups.shtml
http://www.mcc.org/bc/abuse/
http://groups.msn.com/WomensOutreachSupportGroup
http://www.impacthouse.com/s_womens.html
http://www.ehow.com/how_8564_find-sexual-abuse.html

I've been though this with my sister, she is in a very bad marriage where they both have kids & they have adopted kids.. She just keeps hope it will get better, and I keep hopeing I don't get a call she is dead. So tell me what is better she stay there and hope they make it or she dies becuses hes haveing a bad day and he will say she sliped and fell. or she leaves and lives ?
Think about about it that could be you and then he would have the kids and he wins. So stand up for you self. Go visit these sites, go talk to someone, like a person a your church that you trust. You will be glad you did.
I will say a pray for you, and pray that you ahve the strength to go out on your own and make a life for your self, be strong.
You are not the only person out there, you are not alone! and if you don't do sometime soon, it could be the last chance you have!

Answer 5

I think the reason why women do not leave physical/emotionally abusive partners is 1.) they think that they can change the partnet 2.) the partner might change or 3.) they are afraid of what the rest of the world will think about them. Personally I do not know what I would do in a situation like this. You have children, so think about what is best for the children. Also, you have to understand that no one has the right to treat you this way. If your partner is this way towards you who knows that he will do to the children. Call the police, do not let this lagg on, do not wait...take charge. Even if you have to live with relatives/friends for a few weeks they will surely understand. It is hard for a woman to speak out depending on her culture but this is North America (I'm in Canada) and no one can do this to you and you should not feel ashamed. Stay a couple of nights with your friends/family. Break into your savings and leave. If it is a joint account then break into that too! You need financial security and personal security for both yourself and your children. Be strong! do not chicken out because you cannot change him, he will not change by himself either.

Answer 6

Seems like he has a power over you like a control you can't break free from. To me and I'm sure alot of other people would say."well just leave then", but easier said than done.
My mom told me her story: When she was 19, she left her house (also abusive) out of desperation to be rescued, by a man..to take her away from all the madness. Not having any Idea about anything including birth control....[oops there I come in]....She said my dad hit her before me, during [her pregnancy] with me, and after me. She came home one day after work, while pregnant (my dad quit his job to stay home, he was lazy), and he sold the furnature, told my mom he needed the $. They divorced when I was 2. I met him again at 9yrs, and what a loser I hate his guts, he's such a low life and I'm glad my mom left when she did. It was a struggle being raised by a single parent but i'm glad I ended up with her and not him.

My point for you is.....don't just think of yourself and your fears...think of how all this is hurting your kids. Hopefully for their sake they don't witness too much of the abuse (or he abuses them too?). And for your sake, mentally, physically...you need to go. Ask someone to stay with temporarily a family member/friend. They will help you. I know you mention inconvieniencing them. Think of it this way, if the situation were reversed and someone needed you...Would you turn them away?
Just tell the person you would feel comfortable living with, 'you will only be living there a short time until you can find a job and an apartment for you and the kids.
One more thing I need point out if you record any of these 'abuses' you can later take him to court, for the wrong he's doing. But financially he will be supporting you. Even if you don't do this i believe you'd not only be entitled to child support but spousal support also.
I hope my story helped you even a little, just shed some light on your situation. Good Luck

Answer 7

I know what you are saying I put up with it for 10 years,
I first started stashing cash back if only 10.00 - 20.00 at a time.
I had a good friend that said as soon as I was ready to leave my three children and I could come stay with her.
A week before I left I started taking stuff to a storage unit slowly so the stuff wouldn't be noticed missing, mostly the kids stuff,
Then the night before I left I called my friend to tell her i was leaving right after he left for work the next morning
He left for work about 5 minutes I started loading my car with all the last minute things and my children,
I left a note that I couldn't take any more of his abuse
left my house keys by the note and walked out
My heart was pumping hard but I knew I had to do it not just for me but the children at that time they were 6, 10, 14 years old, Yes I lost my home and financial security, and I wont say it wasn't hard, but you can do it. I worked two jobs to just stay above water.
That was 16 years ago, I have been happily married for 14 years to a great man who helped me raise my children as his own.
You have the strength, no one needs to live like that, Please save yourself.

Answer 8

It's called battered wife syndrome. Everything your feeling is normal. And it is hard, and it is embarrassing and it does suck to have to rely on other people for even a minute.

He's never going to stop, he's never going to say he's sorry and mean it. He's never going to be anything more then what he is now. You can count on the abuse getting worse. You can count on your children being changed for the worse everytime that man lays his hands on you. You can COUNT on the fact that your children KNOW, whether you try to hide it from them or not. THEY know.

You contact an abused womens home in your area, and if you need help finding one, email me. And you leave him. And you DEAL with those feelings that your having that are NATURAL. You show your children that you are a strong, capable woman, because that's what you are. You need to leave. Period. No if's and's or but's about it.

The people at the abused women's home will help you map out the details. And they'll hide you, and your children. And you'll get to talk to other women that are FEELING the same things that you are. And you'll come to understand that you've done nothing wrong. You've made no mistakes that warrant the bruises on your body.

Please. Email me if you need help. And google battered women's syndrome, and you'll see that you're not alone.

Answer 9

I think if you didn't have to depend on him for money then you would be more in tune to leave. It's hard to leave when your not working and you have children you need to take care of. You know him best so tell him you want to start working and give him a reason he will agree to. If you don't want to leave the kids alone with him then tell a family member that can help you do this or your friend. When you start working you will have more confidence and be more independent so it will make things a little easier. You may not have as much but at least you will have peace and it will be worth it. I hope this helps. You deserve better and you will be ok.

Answer 10

You really need to focus on your children. If your husband beats you, how long do you think it will be before your children get hit? How do you think your abuse affects your children? You are being extremely selfish by subjecting your children to this kind of abuse on a daily basis. If you're worried about imposing on relatives and friends, go to a shelter until you can get back on your feet. You need to press charges against your husband so he can be put in jail. He's not going to change without massive help, and maybe not even with that. Wishing that he'll say he's sorry isn't going to make it happen. Start caring for yourself and and your children.