How do you deal with the husband, who sulks?

Question

I will tell you - I have reached the level of frustration that if I stay in this any longer I will go crazy and my self-esteeim will go down the loo. I decided to leave my husband. Finally, after realising that it aint' going nowhere - loveless, sexless, childless at 35. The only question I have is - why does he not do anything about our issues? It should be pretty simple, right? You tell your partner what bothers you, he listens, tells his point of view, you both figure out the solution that suits both. With him it's like this - I tell, he gets angry, does not admit it, reminds me of my faults, would not own any of his misdeads, gets cold, withdraws, sulks, ignores me. Like a baby. While I am still trying to be nice: offer him breakfast, etc. Why? Why? Why? He tells me he wants to fix it. Then this s..t all the time. I just think it's time to let go.

He has always been like that - giving me little bits of his truth, when cornered. I know he is as unhappy as I am, but he seems to want (and expect me) to pretend it's okay.

Answer 1

I don't know how you approach him, but it sounds like he feels everything that is wrong is his fault and you just keop thowing it in his face. Try a different approach. Use the "we" method of discussion. WE have a problem and you want to talk about OUR problem and what WE can do about it. Also say, "When you do XXX it makes me feel like XXX?" He can't dispute how you feel. He can only dispute whose fault it his. Tell him it isn't about blame, tell him it's about working out your issues togteher. Sounds like he has some self-esteem issues, and when you bring these things out, it just reminds him how worthless he feels and lashes out at you, or goes to sulk in a corner. Tell him that you need to work out the issues together or the marriage is over. Work through a therapist so you can get to the issues and avoid the blaming.

Answer 2

Ok first off, I find it very interesting how my email gets a number of questions from you and how your relationship totally parallels mine. Its a bit freaky even.
Anyway, I have also decided to leave mine, (We have a child which is making is even more difficult) We never got married thankgoodness, but we own a house together where I put up all the funds.

He tells me how everything was my fault, and that I am the cause of the relationship fallout. Even though he never trusted me, he smothered me, and was a violent drinker. Too emotional for his own good. Emotions he has no control over.

But hey, Ill just take all the credit for the break up.
There is no point in arguing.

I truly believe that if there is no resolution, because one or both wont take responsibility, then wont fix or change it, its a complete waste of time.

It takes 2, and if the other will never own up to its cause to the problem, there is no way to fix it.

Its time to move on. There is someone better out there for him, and there is someone out there for you.

It seems crazy to force a square pen through a round hole.
Now is the time to clean up financial matters, and get out so you can start over again while you are still young.

The hardest part of a breakup is that their emotions take away from their rational thought. For example agreeing on things instead of fighting over things in court, and paying attorneys to do something you could have done for free.

I hope that helps.

Answer 3

Don't worry about being childless at 35. I recently heard of a woman that just gave birth at the age of 60 years old, with her husband of the same age and they are incredibly happy with a beautiful new baby.

It sounds like you two are going around in circles. It must be so frustrating!
Put someone in the middle of it all, a therapist. If it doesn't work, at least you gave it your best.

Maybe this is not the man that's meant for you, and the right one is out there looking for you. Maybe it's time to close a chapter and start a new adventure.

But first do the therapy thing. Maybe you two don't know how to communicate.

Answer 4

A Leopard want change his spots, you can live with him for 75 years he will still sulk around, some people are just that way. The best you have no children get out of it are you will live a miserable life , because he'll never, never get any better if fact he'll just get worst.

You better get while the getting good before you accidentally have a child and sometimes that child will be a type just like him sulk around all the time. Your life will be a living hell.

Answer 5

Yes, it is. This is not going to get better, only worse for you. Go see a divorce lawyer on Monday and find out your rights in your state. Don't tell him either. Get the answers and then leave. He is trying to control you and I guess he has been able to do that until now. You deserve to have a good husband that doesn't punish you for your honesty. Get going. Mr. Right is waiting to find you. Let Mr. Sulky be some other woman's problem.

Answer 6

How do you deal with it? It's HARD! Mine doesn't like to talk, even after 20 yrs! So if I ask what can we do to improve, he'll go "What do you want ME to do about it, HONEY?" Ummm, talk to me? So I try to be silent like he is, but he doesn't care. I keep asking him why does he want to stay married when apparently he likes solitude? No answer. I'm guessing cuz I take care of him and his needs. He is a mommy's boy, too. I've stuck it out, because I know I can do worse and I'm not totally miserable. Just wish I could have someone to communicate with. That's why I am on here so much. :) But no, you don't have to live like that. If you're not happy and you've tried, and tried, it's time to at have a separation and see if that shakes him up enough to start contributing. I still have days I think of doing it. You're young enough to get out there and start enjoying life! Please don't let someone hold you back from life. Keep me posted, please? Good luck.

Answer 7

When you address an issue with him try to not use the word ''YOU'' but ''I''.......I do not feel loved, instead of, You don't love me!

When someone is unwilling to change or to pay attention to the problem at hand it's cause they're quite content with where they're at....he probably thinks you're complaining for nothing and he will act offended when you leave him and he'll tell you, you didn't give him a chance...typical song.

Answer 8

You have done things correct. I bet he was somewhat like this before marriage, and you thought marriage would make it better. It is a choice to be your best. It is his choice to continue to be this way. Yes I am sure it started in childhood. But what amazes me when people become adults they have a choice to be better, many do not though. Ask him this. We go get counseling or I want a divorce. Not next year, or next month, but in a week. Good luck!

Answer 9

how many times has he said he wants to fix things and then nothing changes?

how many more times does he have to do it to you before you realize nothing will change?

if you REALLY believe you both can save the marriage, then its obvious it is because you both work at it just the two of you--you need marital counseling to get someone to help you both set things straight.

but if you believe it is too late to get the love back, then don't keep waiting and waiting for nothing to happen, and you both get more and more miserable with each other.

Answer 10

Sounds like your husband and my soon to be ex could be brothers!!

Is it possible he's depressed?? Was he always like this or did it come on suddenly?

With mine he started out a sulker, always thought I could make him happy, which is why now I'm forced to walk away. If it's sudden or recent though, perhaps he is ill in some way and you should get him checked out.