Where?
I walked in the room and saw the casket displayed,
I went and I stood where the body was laid,
A shell in the coffin was all that was there,
The person it belonged to was gone, but to where?
A spiritual place only one can rest in the end,
Believing it’s real and true and not just pretend,
Looking inside yourself to see doubt and fear,
Knowing you have to go on with life year after year,
As time goes by you learn to live with the pain,
My grief will not control me because there is nothing to gain,
2007-08-18 09:31:38 · 12 answers · asked by Lynnemarie 6 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
You have a nice poem...but there's a good poem inside of it...in fact, the first four lines are a poem all by themselves.
I walked in the room and saw the casket displayed,
I went and I stood where the body was laid,
A shell in the coffin was all that was there,
The person it belonged to was gone, but to where?
The insight, simplicity and maturity of those four lines not only outweigh the rest of the poem, they make them unnecessary and the remainder of the poem only diminishes the message these four lines contain.
How do I "know" this? Look at your remaining lines...do any of them amplify the truth encapsulated in these beginning lines? No...in fact, the rest of the poem goes someplace else. Leaving the poem open without giving a clue as to where the person has gone creates a poetic question that is actually unanswerable...the height of poetic achievement. It is the "asking" of the question that exemplifies the human condition, any further explanation only collapses all possible answers into just the one possessed by the author...and thereby diminishes the poem.
Keep the first four lines, cut the rest.
keep writing
2007-08-19 09:41:16 · answer #1 · answered by Kevin S 7 · 2⤊ 1⤋
You know i love it.... when i lost my mother, i was told by a good friend who had also lost her own mother..."You never get over the loss, you just learn to live with it" And i have found this to be very true!
You have a gift of putting feelings on paper Illyaria, you should try to put a book together!
Blessings!
Ariel
2007-08-18 23:22:20 · answer #2 · answered by *~Ariel Brigalow Moondust~* 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Smashing sweetie.
2007-08-20 04:24:26 · answer #3 · answered by scorpion 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I like it. I just went to a funeral for my uncle and felt the same way looking at him lying there.
2007-08-18 16:41:01 · answer #4 · answered by Kmmv 5 · 3⤊ 1⤋
I really enjoyed it keep up the GOOD work
2007-08-19 14:12:37 · answer #5 · answered by lety1575 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
i like the peom alot it has a very good message to it
2007-08-19 00:24:53 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think it is great but I feel like the poem did not end. It is like a cliffhanger. I think it needs more because it left me hanging.
2007-08-18 16:57:39 · answer #7 · answered by gamerchix 2 · 0⤊ 3⤋
That's not the worst poem I've ever read, but it's pretty close.
2007-08-18 20:20:55 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋
Wow that is really good! You should get it published or something! Good job!
2007-08-18 16:39:58 · answer #9 · answered by Bex 2 · 3⤊ 2⤋
I like it, too bad lex is a simpleton...
2007-08-18 20:46:59 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 2⤋