my husband has just come back from a sailing race he participated in on his boat. He loves this sport and was away for 6 days in total with another 6 guys. They had 2 days before the race started to go out drinking etc and although the crew ranged from 23yrs to 55 yrs I am really paranoid that they went out chatting up women etc. I know my husband probably didn't because he was back on the boat by 11.30pm and rang twice every day and said he missed me and he says he would never ever cheat on me, but I get so paranoid. I also hate the thought that they might have been talking about women in the way that guys sometimes do when they are together i.e have you seen such and such isn't she gorgeous etc etc. I wish I didn't feel like this but I hate the thought that my husband has eyes for anyone other than me. I know he was really pleased with himself over the race and I am pleased that he completed it ,but these other feelings marr my happiness for him. Advice please.
2007-08-18 09:18:47 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Look, I have decided to help you. What you feel is an insecurity about your husbands actions. First of all, let me ask you this, is there anything wrong for a person to hold a conversation with another, whether it be male or female? Is that basic human act a bad one? Next is it wrong for guys to talk about women? Would you prefer for your husband to talk about other men? Is it wrong for a group of men to acknoledge that a women has beauty? Its not that your husband has eyes for another, but there is nothing wrong with him and his friends acknoledging that someone is attractive.
You need to stop worrying about the cheating. What you need to do is enjoy your relationship. Do not get me wrong, it is natural to feel jeoulous because you love someone and are afraid of loosing him or her, but there is such a thing as unhealthy jealousy. What you will lfind alot of times is that when you start being to jealous what you find is that men start to keep things from you to avoid conflict. This can have very bad effects because he is not hiding bad things from you but whe you do find out it leads to more insecurities.
He went on a boating trip, that is great and he had a wonderful time and came home to you and is excited about his trip. you need to be excited that he is happy with his life and you are a part of his life and that makes him happy. Do not ruin that by being insecure. I know that you cannot controll your feelings but you must for there is no indication that he is cheating on you. Only your imagination leads to conclusions, not that he is cheating on you, but that he is simply talking to women or talking about them with his friends, which I guess is natural for males of any age.
So just remember, enjoy the relationship, he is with you because he wants to, and he loves you. Dont make him regret it. And if the reason for your insecurities is that you think he might leave you for another, than do something to make you feel good about yourself, start going to the gym, get active in boating, do things that will make your husband feel like, wow its cool to be with you. good luck.
2007-08-18 09:22:34 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hi
We have to accept the fact eyes will roam and people will talk - no matter how involved we may be in a relationship - it's natural human behavior. As long as he does not act upon it is what is most important.
"He rang twice every day and said he missed me and he says he would never ever cheat on me" - This statement has me concerned.
Why is he mentioning he would never cheat on you? Is he validating something? There are a million other things to talk about and I am curious as to why he would be so specific about the idea of cheating?
Did you ask him if he was cheating? Or did he mention this out of the blue?
Obviously there is some insecurity or something has happened to one of you to say things like this - "reassure"
If everything was okay - the mere word "cheating" would not even come into the discussion on the phone or in any other for that matter.
Only you can know why you feel this way.
Someone somewhere one or both of you have cheated or have been cheated on to have this type of insecurity.
My best advice is to sit him down when he returns and share your feelings and explain why you feel this way. You need to address the "triggers" which make you feel this way.
Once the triggers are exposed - then you can come up with a game plan to obliterate those triggers and move forward.
If you feel uncomfortable - go to a mrriage counselor and discuss them.
A marriage counselor can offer tools to help you erradicate these feelings. Actually helping both of you to combat these feelings.
Boiling it all down - when it comes to infidelity, I think people are more stunned and hurt by lies and deception more so than the "Act" of infidelity itself.
The lies and deception are truly a direct insult to our intelligence which truly hurts our pride.
But keep in mind - Lies are usually devrived from fear.
2007-08-18 09:56:02 · answer #2 · answered by Erik 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It just sounds as though you are insecure. It is not healthy to think that your hubby is out doing stuff when in fact you don't know at all. You need to show a little trust and faith in knowing that your husband is just out having fun with the guys. So what if he was talking about women...do you and your friends not talk about how certain guys are cute, etc..? C'mon these are little things that guys discuss and it's nothing more than that. It would be different if he in fact took action on those words and did something. You cannot and should not have ill feeling towards him because you feel that he is talking about certain thing or thinking about doing certain things. Show some trust.
2007-08-18 09:53:58 · answer #3 · answered by !~!~Edward~!~! 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Reality is that he is a guy and as such probably did look at some of the eye candy available to view. But providing he did not act then there is nothing wrong with this and very normal. Women are just as guilty of looking at attractive males behind their spouses backs. As far as chatting up the other women, only he'd be able to tell you for sure. But if I was a gambler I'd bet my next paycheque that he did make some comments on the women with his peers. It's just a part of the male lifestyle and one way that they communicate with each other. So please do not allow yourself to become paranoid over your man checking out other women. Another fact of life is that he choice you to be his mate for life and he did return from his successful boat race to share his adventures with you. Be grateful also that he was back on the boat early to call you, as many males would not want to do so in front of their peers so as not to look like they had to check in with their wifes.
2007-08-18 09:27:39 · answer #4 · answered by crazylegs 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
as long as he didn't do anything you can't really be mad or paranoid. So what if guys talk about women or even talk to women, if he comes home at the end of the day and has not cheated on you then don't worry about it. If he is your husband you should be able to trust him anyway. Women do the same thing and talk to and about other men....its just a thing
2007-08-18 09:28:31 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I hear you far away and I can feel your pain. Here is my advice,you need to trust your husband more because, he will have to be with you for a long long time. His Race was over and nothing you can do about it and you need to observe wheat her he was telling the truth or not , this will reveal in your future. You need to learn how to trust him 100% otherwise you will feel fear, lonely and unhappy. Remember, you have to look best because, there are women out there are looking to fine their loves and these people do not give any d... about marriage men. They have agenda to fullfill and you know the rest of my answer already.
2007-08-18 09:36:04 · answer #6 · answered by ryladie99 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He said wedding vows didn't he? He has to love you! Men need time with their buddies to blow off steam. Otherwise you'll have a very grouchy man. It's great that he comes home to you with his happiness. He might even be alittle tired from his trip. Every woman gets a little jealous sometimes, but so do men. It's completely normal. Just don't let it get to you. It seems like he has a hobby and so should you. Take a dance class- you deserve some time with friends, too.
2007-08-18 09:52:03 · answer #7 · answered by puss of an angel 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You sound slightly paranoid.
Men behave differently when they are with other women. Would you rather them talk about women, or about men?
He called you twice everyday, so that is a good sign. Most of the posts that I read usually complain the partners not calling when they are away. So you've got a winner in your hands. Cherish him!
2007-08-18 09:24:34 · answer #8 · answered by itchybubbles 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
The very thing you are afraid of is the very thing you are going to cause to happen if you do not stop this way of thinking. Why worry about something that you can not control any way. You are insecure and and paranoid. Enjoy life and learn to understand that worry about things you can't control is a waist of time.
2007-08-18 09:31:00 · answer #9 · answered by LuvinLos 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Yeah, lighten up! Being married doesn't mean he is dead. I am willing to bet you have checked out other men as well. If you deny this, you are a liar.
If you trust him not to cheat on you, then quit being paranoid. Men talk, women talk worse when alone with women.
2007-08-18 09:24:51 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋