i really don't understand, help?

Question

ok, we've all done it, i cheated on my wife for an extended period of time, she was an employee and hired her so i could keep her close to me while my wife was none the wiser.

The relationship started before she came to work for me, she knew i had a g/f, but i never told her we were married and have a child on the way.

later my wife found out, kicked me out of the house, of course i go begging back, luckily she does take me back, but why does she still have outburst aimed solely towards me???

this relationship ended a little more than a year ago, and i did ask the other woman to marry me and raise my child.

even tho i admittedly screwed up the life of my wife, with my lies and deciets she still hounds me, is there anyway of regaining her trust? is there any way to gain her forgiveness? I mean really it's been a while and she treats me like i'm the scum of the earth. she doesn't even allow me to attach to my daughter.

i really need help here.

ok ok ok....

i do love her and i want to be with my wife, it's not that she doesn't want counselling, she's the one who brought it up and i'm the one that really doesn't want to go. And yes i am allowed to see my child and spend time with her, but i'm not allowed to take her out of the town we are in unless we all go out together.

i just don't know what i need to do now.

just a few days ago i did mention counselling, but now i fear she is beyond counselling, she doesn't want to talk about or even consider it any longer. is this my doing by denying her?

and yes she does know that i went back to her because the girlfriend rejected me and ended the relationship. i do still think of her and how our life would have been together, and thinking about it makes me realize the mistake i made with the girlfriend, all i want is my wife back, to where we were before all this mess started.

but according to all the replies it is a lost cause. I am just not willing to stick it out and keep taking what she has to dish out, maybe i do deserve it but maybe i don't.

so I did have a lot more than just a physical attraction to the girlfriend, and just being with my wife has made me realize all that i could have lost, and all that i have lost.

and yes my wife does know the girlfriend as we are all in the same small town, they never got along and i brought my girlfriend home and begged my wife to be with friends with her, i don't think this was a mistake at all. the mistake was not listening to my own wife when she told me not to hire her or have any communication with her at all.

so what if she is the town "easy" girl, but i did and in my heart still love and care for her, not the same as i care for my wife, but she will always be in my heart.

Answer 1

Sorry you really messed up, and in the end, you'll get what God believes you deserve!

Answer 2

Maybe your wife knows that you are not really committed to her. You obviously had deep feelings for this other woman if you asked her to marry you and raise your child, so it wasnt just a physical affair, it went a lot deeper than that. Your girl obviously turned you down and probably the reason you went begging back to your wife. Do you really love your wife, or are you there because the other girl didnt want you? Decide if you trully love your wife and if you do and want the marriage to survive you will need to cop all the abuse your wife puts on you. What you did destroyed her trust in you and it is going to take a long time until it comes back. Maybe the next time she starts abusing you, instead of becoming defensive, tell her that you deserve everything she is saying and you wont defend yourself and you will never defend yourself until she can get this out of her system. Maybe also suggest that if this marriage is going to have any chance of success, then both of you need to get into counselling. She needs help to learn to trust you again. If you think that she will never let up and she refuses to go to counselling with you, you have 2 choices......stay and put up with the abuse for the rest of your life, or leave and try to start again......but do it right next time.....cheating tears a hole so wide in your self esteem that it is very hard to close and I believe without counselling, your relationship with your wife doesnt stand a chance.

Answer 3

No we have'nt all done it, I have never cheated on my spouse thank the Lord! And the reason I have'nt cheated or do not desire to cheat is because I respect him. I know I already have the best so why would I or any other happily married person settle for less? I don't know your reason for cheating, but I will tell you this. Your wife is hurt, we all deal with and process pain diffrently. As a woman I know that good women are very emtoinal beings. Your wife trusted you and you violated that trust.You betrayed her and you don't understand why she can't get over it.? Well maybe because she knows this wasn't by accident or by chance. You intentionally hired this woman in your own words to keep her close, your wife none the wiser. So see you planed this you knew excatly what is was you were doing.And the sad part is you never gave one thought to how this would make your wife or child fill. You are very selfish and very inmature. You stated that this woman will always be in your heart, how then can you honostly say you love your wife if another woman is already in your heart? You are confused you can't love your wife and try to make things work and still long for some other woman to. You hurt your wife, and you don't see that because you are to busy worring about the fact that this other woman dumped you. I don't know that going to seek professional help will work but it couldn't hurt. Why don't you try asking your wife what she would like to do where your relationship is concerned. Because from what I have heard you really do not deserve your wife, you aren't true to anyone not even your self. Get some help and get Jesus in your life, because when you truly love some one you put there needs above your own you think about them, and you don't intentionally do things to hurt them to satisty yourself. There will always be other people willing to have a relationship with you even tho they know you are in one. But that does not mean that you have to yeild to or be weak when tempted, because that's all it is, temptation. You, me, any one commited to someone eles has to stand for something, and I choose to stand for a commited relationship, and so should you! And remember what goes around comes around if you stay with your wife, and you don't really change, you will someday find yourself hurting much worst than your wife is hurting now. Goodluck Godbless!

Answer 4

You know you did wrong, you don't need me to tell you that.
But you do have to realize that it has only been 1 year. That really is not a long time. It may take her 5 or 10 years. Or she may never get over it.

We all have to look within ourselves, in order to find that forgiveness. The problem is she's probably not able to get it off of her mind.
"Time does NOT heal all wounds, It's what you "do" in that time.

She may never be able to trust you again.
Once that trust is betrayed, no matter how bad we "want" to trust you again, we may never get it back.
And you have to decide if you're willing to put up with this forever.
Right now you are paying the consequences for your actions. You can't take back what you did, and are you willing to continue paying for it for however long it takes her?

You made this mess, now either you can live with it or not.
I hope you've learned from your mistake, and that it won't ever happen again.
Because it destroys alot more than just trust.
It has destroyed your wife's self-esteem, happiness, respect, confidence, and dream of a happily ever after.

I know you're sorry.....but are you sorry that you did it or are you sorry that you got caught?
If you're sorry that you did it, then you'll find the strength to put up with it for however long it takes to get your wife back.
If you're sorry that you got caught, then ask yourself where your heart is....is it with your wife or your girlfriend?
And that's where you should be ;)

Answer 5

It's funny that you say "we've all done it" (cheated). I went away to Las Vegas recently and found that most of my colleuges cheated on their wives without even trying to restrain themselves... I thought it was outrageous. Truthfully, I never cheat...it's just my way, but I guess that the kind of man i am is turning into a thing of the past. You screwed up big time.... and frankly, I don't think that you would be going after your wife if your girlfriend didn't know what kind of an idiot you were and dumped you like a bad habit.... but lets work with what we have for the sake of your daughter. I would read all you can about Will Smith's divorce... he was interviewed and talked about how to get along with your expartner for your child. In the end... they created a loving family for his son.... In your case, maybe you can weasle your way back..... though I doubt it!

Answer 6

First lets be honest, you have feelings for your wife and for the girlfriend wife. your feelings for the first wife is a lot of guilt. Had you really felt remorse and tremendous love for her you never would have married the girlfriend. You would have gone to the ends of all means to remedy your marriage. And do you relly think women are made of steel that their emotions can be turned on and off like a faucet. How self centered of you to expect your wife to be friend your girlfriend. You have broken the greastest bond of all the trust and respect for each other and your wife is struggling to deal with all of these emotions. She obviously has strong feelings for you to still communicate and hound and scream etc. etc etc. You are confusing yourself and her. Take care of your self first. Find your true inner belief, and you will find an answer. And when you find the answer for yourself your wife will also know what to do. Good Luck you messed up but its not the end of the world.

Answer 7

Wow, you did screw up and you just didn't know when to stop, did you?
You have to realize that you're not some soppy sap who owes everyone lots of good lovin' and loyalty. Not this girl - who cheated on a married man when she thought she was cheating on a guy who already had a girlfriend - she still knew she was cheating with him on somebody - and not this wife who now knows you are a spineless good-time lovin' jackass. Yeah, you do deserve that!
When you brought your cheating girlfriend home to meet the wifey, did you really expect all of you to sit around the living room holding hands and singing kumbaya? What *** would think that wifey would understand even better what a good-hearted lovin' guy you are since you have so much damned good lovin' that you just can't resist spreading it around at work?
I'm surprised you had the nerve to try it. You did, though.
All you can do it take it like the mangey cur who would do stupid things like that.
AWWW. The girlfriend was easy and a cheater too but had a heart of gold?
As I said before, all you can do is take it like the mangey cur who would do stupid things like that! I wouldn't trust you to go anywhere with the child alone either. Likely, you'd try to meet up with the cheating girlfriend with the heart of gold and have her go into her 'Oh, I'm so maternal; let me play with the baby!' mode, designed to make her come off like Mother Teresa.
As I said before, all you can do is take it like the mangey cur who would do stupid things like that!
You had the friggin nerve to offer that your cheating girlfriend could raise your wife's precious little bundle of joy? Yes, she has a right to be so pee-ohed at you for something as half-assed as that - why the hell would anyone trust you?
And the cheating girlfriend? Still call her up and complain that you're misunderstood? Get a clue.

Answer 8

God help you!

You claim you love your wife but you express more feelings for your "ex- g/f". The way it sounds you want another free pass. I got to say to late and your wife is the stupid one for taking you back.

Why don't you understand? Come on you take her home to try and make her your wifes best friend your stupid. If your wife ever falls for that your still going to end up looking like the dog that you are.

Then they will have something in common to talk bad about you.

Do yourself a favor leave your wife and about custody for your child you will never ever get her to agree to take her out of town without her supervision. She couldn't trust you with her life after what you did.

I'm sorry but there is no Sympathy for a foolish man like you.

Answer 9

Wow, you just kept adding insult to injury didnt you. Well first off besides your wifes trust, you lost her respect. I wouldnt be able to look at you if I were her. Did she say why she took you back? If its because she still has some kind of feeling for you then there is a chance. But if its because of the kids or financially or whatever, then no, you two dont stand a chance. Its just too bad...but what I dont understand is how can you say you still have love in your heart for the other woman? What kind of fool cries about his wifes attitude after he cheats on her and then turns around and says he has love in his heart for the homewrecker?!
Come on now!!!

Answer 10

Haha, man you really don't know women well do you? I read your whole schpeel and was laughing and shaking my head the whole time. You're SCREWED. Too bad you picked the town's "easy" girl to cheat with, and then asked her to marry you, and then asked your wife to be her friend, and then went back to your wife as your last resort. Sweetie pie, you did that all wrong, there isn't a marriage counseler around who can fix the mess you made, heck not even DR. Phil would tell her to stay. truthfully- you DON"T DESERVE your wife, who sounds like a SAINT to take your cheatin booty back. You have to expect a wagonload of animosity and hate and distrust and pain from her, and if you can't deal- leave her. SHE DESERVES BETTER. Better yet- tell her to leave you, and you can find the next "easy" girl to try to marry, YA SLEAZEBALL. Oh and by the way- no we haven't all "done it" (cheated that is), you cheaters just think with the wrong head, thats all. Good luck with your miserable existance, and here's to the hope that your wife finds a real man someday. Cheers!

Answer 11

To regain her trust you must become an open book for her...allowing her to know where you are at ALL times and NEVER allow gaps of time where she has right to doubt. To begin, start calling her TOO many times a day to the point of harassment or stalking. When the calling becomes an issue, start telling ALL ABOUT your day especially & exactly to who you even talked to. Bring her unexpected gifts that are for no special occasion other than to say, "I love you". This WON'T be easy but YOU CAN DO IT if you truly want back what you had. It is good to remember what you did to get her is what you will need to do to keep her. I wish for you forgiveness & happiness